|Kirsty Walk: ‘Who needs Gaggle? Is that right… hang on, I’ll just Strudel it’|
It has come to light that BBC presenters, staff and management alike all use a sub-standard version of the internet known as the ‘Interpleb.’ Interpleb users have alternative versions of search engines commonly known to the man in the street, such as; ‘Strudel’ as opposed to ‘Google’; ‘Ting’ instead of ‘Bing’ and instead of ‘YouTube’ ‘YouBoob.’ The revelations have finally solved the mystery surrounding the BBC’s woeful ignorance on all subjects from sport, music, history, religion, politics, international affairs to counter-intelligence, geopolitics and the economy.
Newsnight’s Kirsty Walk was quick to jump to the defense of the Interpleb and argued, ‘The WWP, or World Wide Pleb, as we call it, has never let us down once. Not even a half of a once. For example, when we want to find out about the US central bank known as the Federal Reserve we just Strudel it. Although, for some inexplicable reason, when we ask who owns it, or if they have ever been audited, or taxed, or how much money they have secretly created, the screen always says error 666. But, on the other hand, Ting is great and a brilliant research tool. For instance, when my team of crack journalists investigate the mysteries surrounding Doctor Kelly, or WMD’s or 9/11 or Westminster pedophilia or even JFK’s assassination, trusty Ting always tells us that it was Jeremy Corbyn’s fault. So we know it’s right. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Who needs Gaggle? Is that right… hang on, I’ll just Strudel it.’
Peter Portcullis a prepubescent paperboy from Preston said, ‘I always wondered why BBC presenters were as thick as fifty short planks of very thick wood nailed together with stupid screws. Now I understand. I just thought they were from a different planet where computers hadn’t been invented.’
David Dummore a Dustbin man from Durham grumbled, ‘That explains why BBC historian, Dan Snow, said that Lee Harvey Oswald was a ‘good shot’ when even a two year old brain donor can see that JFK was shot from the front. Prick!’
Lord Timothy Touchachild, who developed the Interpleb on behalf of the Royal Institute of International Affairs, slowly rubbed his nose and muttered under his breath, ‘There is nothing wrong with the Interpleb. This is why all BBC staff will carry on using it or be sacked. We, by which I mean MI5, felt that it was necessary, for undisclosed political reasons, that BBC staff use a groomed version of the net which was in line with the RIIA’s long-term objectives. As all Old Auntie employees live on the same street in Surrey and, as such, never meet any normal people, or go to a normal pub, or a normal shopping centre, or a normal newsagents, or anywhere at all that normal people ever go whatsoever, we, by which I now mean MI6, feel that there is no chance of them finding out what we call the nasty truth about things. Now, I think it best that anyone who wants to know anything else on this topic should just use ‘YouBoob’ or simply tune in to the tried and trusted BBC.’
22 Oct 2015 – Russia’s President Putin found himself having to ask BBC journalist John … frustrated by the frankly ignorant questions that Simpson poses.