‘Christmas cutbacks due to privatisation’
In a surprise government press release a Tory consortium representing a secretive pair of international bankers, known only as banker A and banker B, have announced that the privatisation of Christmas has ‘already happened.’ Unfortunately
due to ‘unforeseen problems’ with the flotation of Christmas on world markets, caused by a heavy reliance on profits generated from Cyber Monday to buoy the stock, cutbacks in the public holiday will have to be made including; the number of days being cut from twelve to five, four of Santa’s reindeer sold for medical experiments, and the laying off of 20 000 elves with the rest of the workforce moved to China.
Tory Lord Kilcrist, overseeing the consortium’s steering commission, laughed, ‘Sadly the privatisation of Christmas has been inevitable for a long time now. Approximately the length of time the Tory party have been in power and by a strange coincidence, much like the inefficient Post Office, market forces and huge dividends for my friends in power, myself and, more importantly banker A and banker B, have forced our hand.’
Reflecting the slashing of festive session from twelve to five days the popular carol ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ will be rewritten by Gary Barlow and produced by Simon Cowell and speak of the UK’s plucky spirit at not complaining about being sent back to work after only five days with the line ‘five gold rings,’ being changed to ‘five chins up.’ Rudloph fans around the world were devastated to hear he would be one of the reindeer who, along with Donner Prancer and Dancer, Lord Kilcrist rather ironically commented, ‘Did not make the cut and will have to be axed.’ The Tory Lord went on to defend this move claiming, ‘Rudolph’s spare parts were by far the most valuable on the open markets so, whilst being hard moral decision, it was a very easy financial one and he had to go.’ The lifelong pier and ex-banker went on to add, ‘Obviously our thoughts are with his fans and family at this difficult moment, but perhaps more naturally, on the things we are going to buy with the money we have made overseeing the deal.’
It is thought the money lost by the disastrous flotation of Christmas will be recouped by a tax on mince pies, ‘Only Fools and Horses’ and a new levy on baubles, mistletoe and crackers.
A special refugee camp is to be set up for unemployed elves left at the North Pole though funding for this relief operation is rumoured to only be scheduled as long as media coverage continues. Chinese work permits have been issued to all remaining workforce elves though their families have been informed they will not be allowed to accompany their loved ones and must remain in the short-term North Pole camp with the others.
When Lord Kilcrist was asked what a consortium actually was he chuckled, ‘Y’know, old boy, I don’t actually know. I think it’s a kind of con … sort … I … um … Tell you what I’ll Google it.’ But before he could elaborate further he shuffled off with banker A and banker B who are thought to be very ‘pleased’ about the deal.
Ethan Harrison is the republisher of Illuminati Hunter and has his own blog The Stuffing-it-to-’em Post @Blogspot.com