There are words to use.
There are words to lose.
I need to tell you about my world.
I need to choose how to use
The ways to speak that find a way
To say the things I need to say.
When I try, fear rises like a curtain.
Exposed and brittle, I’m almost certain
I will break if you see me, or me, or me.
But I need you to know me as I am, alone,
Hunting for the words to say what I need to say.
What words avoid fear? What words avoid pain?
Why is who I am so concealed, hiding from what?
Why is my inside so ashamed, afraid to be blamed?
While my outside, so bold, cannot be told
The truth, or revealed as a sham, just a shield.
I have a hall of mirrors I wear like a cloak
Reflecting whatever pleases you most.
If I were to try and show you inside,
That’s all there is, I’d have nothing left,
No more control, no more variations,
No more defenses, no more tricks.
The naked matrix of a fragile soul
Assembled by chaos and less than whole.
How can you not judge what you find?
Despite the entreaties everyone does.
These years of protection have ensured survival
But I fear at the cost of resilience lost.
So I’m fine, I love you and I’m sorry I’m quiet,
I’m a man of few words on an emotional diet.
Written by Francis de Aguilar©2014
Drawing Nick Victor