from WHAT MATTERS


Matter No. 29 : People have taken to sitting alone, like the Sun. It is alright to sit alone like the Sun, but not all the time.

Matter No. 35 : That which cannot be perceived through the thickest of veils shall be deemed not to exist.

Matter No. 48 : It has come to our attention that on occasion a songstress has outdone the fiddle, and piped a note so thin that even a bird’s throat has been incapable of uttering it. The songstress is being sought.

Matter No. 138 : Debate as to whether the soul should contain iron or stone is ongoing. The current position is that iron is better than stone, but stone is acceptable.

Matter No. 144 : Some people still rise with the Sun and set with the rising of the Moon, and others do otherwise. The review continues as papers flutter from desk to floor at the slightest nudge of a through draught.

Matter No. 188 : It remains unfortunate to be a grey-haired man sense no longer visits.

Matter No. 189 : It remains fortunate to be a grey-haired woman desirability long since abandoned but whose housekeeping skills remain undimmed.

Matter No. 192 : Maternity/Paternity vouchers are no longer redeemable, and as the eagle soars beyond the mountains so shall The Fates draw their blueprint for our future upon the ocean floor.

Matter No. 201 : The hunting of imaginary bears is permitted only between March and May, and people should hunt in pairs. No further advices on this matter will be given.

Matter No. 240 : Car parking is not permitted anywhere. Keep moving; consider returning to the horse. That’s what the signs say. Read the signs.

Matter No. 274 : Someone carried off the stopper of the ink bottle in the Main Office. Do not carry off the stopper of the ink bottle in the Main Office.

Matter No. 286 : Scholars have established that in its youth the ocean used to wander between slabs of land and is now gradually being sucked up into the sky by science to become rain. School textbooks will be amended accordingly.

Matter No. 287 : It follows that rivers represent the childhood of the ocean. School textbooks will be amended accordingly.

Matter No. 300 : The recurring matter of the absence of Common Sense will no longer be considered owing to time constraints. All enquiries should be made to the Administrative Office.

Matter No. 301 : The Administrative Office is no longer located where it used to be, and its email account has been deleted.

Matter No. 302 : As part of the “Back to Nature” initiative, Information Technology matters will in future be dealt with by the farmyard animals.

Matter No. 303 : [struck from record]

Matter No. 444 : Challenges to the belief that Duty is sacred and one may not be dumb in the presence of the Law have been acknowledged and dismissed.

Matter No. 527 : The following items are forthwith subject to a 0.5% Pleasure Tax: handcuffs, pipe-cleaners, silk kerchiefs, playing cards, raisins, whips, herrings, instruments for polishing dull things, books about the planets, and gymslips.

Matter No. 531 : There is always a beautiful day guaranteed if one cares for a pet.

Matter No. 532 : All pets must be registered with the Pet Authority. (Registration fees apply.)

Matter No. 572 : Societal stasis is confirmed as “subject to appropriate adjustments.”

Matter No. 599: The intricate mechanisms of government are already sufficiently complicated, yet it may become necessary they be rendered more so.

Matter No. 617: The matter of the treatment of women will be dealt with separately as stipulated in Article 396 (12/1897) of our Terms and Conditions.
© Martin Stannard, 2017
Illustration Nick Victor


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One Response to from WHAT MATTERS

  1. Mark says:

    My favorites are # 188 (but not #189),
    #302, #48, and #35.
    But who cares about my favorites? I do!
    The ghost of Kenneth says: Give us more of these Matters and make them more painful AND funny.

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