How to keep your man

 

(From the column of a woman’s magazine agony aunt, circa 1965)

 

Don’t confide in him too much, but always tell the truth.

Never mention marriage, having children, the future or his mother.

Don’t cry in front of him, lapse into self-pity or be emotional.

Learn not to expect anything from him.

Always be sure not to keep him awake at night, or wake

          him in the morning, unless instructed to.

Never let him see you drinking alcohol, except that

          given by him.

Learn to be an expert navigator and cook and be sure

          that any areas connected with food are exceptionally hygienic.

Be wary of arguments, he’ll never let you win one anyway,

          unless you can prove your point rationally and unemotionally.

Never phone him or owe him any money.

Ensure his privacy.

Always let him have his own way, unless you can

          (which is very rare) show an obvious or logical

          way why he should do otherwise.

Be willing at all times to do things in a practical

          and efficient manner.

Skilfully change the subject if he says “you’re

          beginning to irritate me”.

Learn to take the fact that he does tend to be

          reliable, during which he considers, extreme emergencies.

Make sure his work comes first.

Let him think you are completely under his control.

 

Don’t categorise the above, it is uncategorizable.

 

Don’t show him this, though I know you will!

 

 

Léonie Scott-Matthews

Pentameters Theatre

 

Art: Godfrey Old


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