How

to make love on a night tube
without causing too much offense.


How to fillet a butcher that sells rib-eye
that has not been hung and matured for 39 days.

How to ride a horse like Pat Eddery
and win the donkey derby on Camber Sands.

How to build an eco-coffin
on day release from palliative care.

How to eat Kendal Mint cake
whilst abseiling down The Shard.

How to drink absinthe like Oscar Wilde.
How to eat a Spoons mega-death breakfast at 8.am.

How to breast feed in Welsh.
How to pretend to be Welsh.

How to bring up a transgender Goth
on a council estate in Merthyr Tydfil.

How to build a website that disowns you.
How to make LinkedIn- lock you out.

How to, How to, just send me your money
via PayPal, Bitcoin, anything will do.

I thank you, I thank you.

 

 


David Crystal
Illustration Nick Victor

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