to make love on a night tube
without causing too much offense.
How to fillet a butcher that sells rib-eye
that has not been hung and matured for 39 days.
How to ride a horse like Pat Eddery
and win the donkey derby on Camber Sands.
How to build an eco-coffin
on day release from palliative care.
How to eat Kendal Mint cake
whilst abseiling down The Shard.
How to drink absinthe like Oscar Wilde.
How to eat a Spoons mega-death breakfast at 8.am.
How to breast feed in Welsh.
How to pretend to be Welsh.
How to bring up a transgender Goth
on a council estate in Merthyr Tydfil.
How to build a website that disowns you.
How to make LinkedIn- lock you out.
How to, How to, just send me your money
via PayPal, Bitcoin, anything will do.
I thank you, I thank you.
Illustration Nick Victor