May Shapeshifts Into Lizard To Woo Tory Vote

Theresa May has shape-shifted into a six foot lizard from Niburu during a live speech on the BBC’s News Channel in an effort to appeal to core Tory voters before the upcoming elections. Conservative mandarins are known to be delighted with the new multidimensional move as they had already wanted the public to get to know the ‘real personalities of their prospective leader’ and early opinion polls suggest that the PM’s appearance as an emotionless alien reptile from space went down well with typical Tories voters including: homeowners, chief executives, stockholders, BBC viewers, anyone working in the financial sector, estate agents, Waitrose customers and the Royal family. After her speech Mrs May (or IT as it demands to be known) went to see the Queen at Buckingham Palace to ask permission for the declaration of a general election and to share an enormous jar of flies.

Peter Prostate (52) a used car dealer from Peterborough preambled, “As long as you don’t print my name, my age, where I live, or what job I do then OK, I reckon England needs a strong leader to get us a good Brexit deal so a talking lizard with the morals of an insect will be good for the country. Y’know? Why not? We’ve tried everything else. And if that Jean Claude Bonkers bloke tries to give her any lip she can just slap him with her tail. …Can’t she?”

David Icke was beside himself with joy and crowed like a particularly cocky crow who had just won an enormously unlikely accumulator at the bookies, “I’ve got two words for everyone who thought I was an idiot: Multidimensional lizard creatures are everywhere and control this country’s entire press. Even, probably, the words you’re reading right now.”

Jeremy Corbyn was less pleased at the news as his own ratings took another beating in the polls but the shadow leader was typically philosophical about May’s science fiction-like stunt and commented, “I’m frankly not surprised in the slightest: either in what she has done or the country’s response. Don’t you think I’ve been paying ANY attention over the past two years? The English people, and specifically the political class, are as mad as a particularly mad box of Amazonian frogs that has experimented extensively with shamanic hallucinogenic drugs. At the moment I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if half of them suddenly turned around and turned into packets of assorted biscuits.”

Theresa May dismissed rumours that a horrific multidimensional alien creature determined to enslave the world’s population becoming leader of the country could be bad for anyone as ‘fake news’ before terrifyingly scuttling up the wall of No 10 Downing Street and into Horse Guards Parade where she caught an unsuspecting Japanese tourist with her 15ft long tongue, then swallowed him whole and jumped into a dark car to be taken back to MI5 HQ and recharged under a sunlamp.