After months of blatant electioneering that has not affected polls one iota UK party leaders have released their final insults in a effort to win the handful of all-important votes needed to clinch victory.
David Cameron was first up to the plate rolling up his sleeves, undoing his top button, throwing away his tie and bawling, ‘Ed Miliband eats babies. That is the truth. He wants to eat your babies. If you don’t have any babies then he will eat your parents. If you don’t have any parents then he will eat you. The Tory party are the only party that do not want to eat your babies. If you do not want your babies, your parents or yourself to be eaten then vote Tory. It’s the only way.’
Ed Miliband paid a hundred unemployed people to stand behind him waving bits of red cardboard around with meaningless slogans written on them before yelling, ‘David Cameron’s wife is a slag. Even my brother has been with her. But not cos she was fit but because she is well ugly and a slag. Everyone has been with her. Even Ian Dunken Smith and he is bald. If you don’t want David Cameron’s wife to be a slag with you and your family then vote Labour. It’s the only way.’
Nigel Farage downed fifteen pints of lager, ate twenty five packets of pork scratchings and two packets of honey roasted peanuts (after the bar ran out of pork scratchings) and slurred, ‘See all them? They’re all shite. See me? I’m fucking great. The problem with them is… (burp!) innigra… innigra… innigra… fuck it. There’s too many brown people everywhere. If you don’t want… them everywhere vote U (hic) KIP. It’s the only way.’
Nicola Sturgeon tripped on her unwieldy stilettos exiting her helicopter before picking herself up and mumbling under her breath. ‘English politicians are a load of southern poofs. Unless you vote SNP you will become a southern poof. Don’t want to be a southern poof? Then vote SNP. It’s the only way.’
Green party leader Natalie Bennet was unavailable for insult but Nick Clegg visited a primary school to play with some children who were unimpressed with him, and stumbled, ‘Not good at being nasty really. I just want everyone to be happy. Do you think that will do? When asked what he would say to accusations that the country’s political class were guilty of blatant electioneering he stuttered, ‘Vote… yellow… I mean Liberal… I mean Democrat … I mean me. It’s the only way.’