1 Thou shalt have no gods at all. Thou shalt worship the new secular humanism. Thou shalt follow the paths of militant atheism, postmodern nihilism, neo-Darwinist empiricism. All ye who cling to the major religions and to the pagan gods shall be laughed at and presumed daft or mad. All ye who claim to have mystical visions shall be swiftly sectioned. Oh yes, and thou shalt have no goddess whatsoever. Not Isis, not Shakti, not Brid. Thou mayest looketh at Gaia Theory but thou shouldst not get carried away.
2 Thou shalt worship matinee idols, popstars, footballers, politicians, gossip columnists, celebrity chefs, T.V. historians, media moguls, supermodels and anyone who employs the services of an image consultant. Thou shalt spend ridiculous amounts of money on bits of Damien Hirst tat for thy boardrooms. Thou shalt look upto Dr. Dawkins as a clean-shaven patriarch and hear his snide, sneaky voice as prophetically thunderous. Thou shalt not take serious art or serious philosophy seriously.
3 Thou shalt not use the word ‘God’ in any public discourse except OMG in text messages and online chats.
4 Remember there is no Sabbath anymore and that thou must worketh thine arse off 24/7 just to maketh ends meet. Remember that the world took millions of years to evolve and that we are therefore extending the age of retirement and reducing thy pensions. Remember thou, when thou clocketh out of thine workplace (if thou hast one), to put in long hours of overtime in thy local mall buying rubbish designer goods, and thou must spend thy weekends in the mall also.
5 Honour thy father and thy mother, especially if they live in country mansions in the South-East, or in penthouses in London. Thou hast full permission to dishonour thy feckless, alcoholic, runaway father and thy shiftless, stay-at-home, single mother. Thou shouldst not overly respecteth parents who live in council housing, even if they are still together. If thou suspecteth thy father or mother of benefit fraud thou shouldst call us on our ‘Rat on a Rat’ hotline.
6 Thou shalt do no one in (unless thou art a policeman, a professional hitman, a freemason, an arms trader, a military commander, a soldier, an MI5 agent, a CIA agent, or an unhappily married prince. Russians must not assassinateth their own subjects on foreign soil).
7 Thou shalt have no bits on the side unless thou art officially ‘polyamorous’, or otherwise in an open relationship, or canst affordeth to pay a sex worker. If thou art a celeb and thou hast a bit on the side thou shalt be fully exposed in the scandal sheets. Even if thou aren’t a celeb but are affluent middle-class, watcheth out, thy current squeeze might hireth a private dick.
8 Thou shalt not loot, shoplift, catburgle, mug, pickpocket, bankrob, or falsely claim sickness and housing benefits, but thou mayest tax-evade, rogue-trade, loan-shark, embezzle, taketh candy from babies, and raise VAT willynilly. (N.B. Thou mayest only tax-evade if thou art a Tory donor.) Thou shalt not commit identity theft – unless thou art Tony Blair and wisheth to steal Mrs Thatcher’s identity, or thou art David Cameron and wisheth to steal Tony Blair’s identity. Thou gettest the drift.
9 Thou shalt not spin, manipulate, spreadeth disinformation, engageth in smear campaigns or negative briefing, nor shalt thou telleth whoppers/tall tales/pork pies, nor shalt thou wilfully mislead, nor shalt thou bear false witness, nor shalt thou psychopathically fantasise and self-justify, nor shalt thou compileth dodgy dossiers and/or whitewash reports, nor shouldst thou seek to prohibit Wikileaks or to frameth Assange. Thou mayest, of course, lieth through thine implants ‘for the public good’.
10 Thou shouldst covet anything we fucking advertise, but remember thou as thou readst Hello!, the only gated properties you’re likely to end up in are Her Majesty’s Prisons.
Photos: Max Reeves