Tories: We Have ‘Done More’ Out Of Tax Than Last Government

Ethan b

 

 

google 1Speaking in front of a packed House of Commons yesterday PM (pig molester) David Cameron claimed that the Tories had ‘done more’ out of tax than the last Labour government. His sweaty-faced, boggle-eyed assertions came after HMRC charged Google a measly £130 million for ten years unpaid tax, a figure known to be a tiny fraction of the international corporation’s actual bill. 

When HMRC officials, thought to be intimately linked with government officials because they keep suspiciously denying a link between the two groups of officials, were asked to explain how they came to calculating this minuscule number, one of them shouted from the declining electric window of his Lamborghini, “It’s all very complicated. Y’know? Figures and stuff. Haw haw! You probably wouldn’t understand. But I will try to explain. We simply multiplied the number of letters in the company’s logo by two then added one for luck and times-ed it by a hundred million. Haw haw! Exactly the same equation we use when working out our expense accounts. My father’s a judge y’know. Good day!”

When Tory officials, thought to be intimately linked to HMRC officials because of the constant and categorical rebuffing of claims of any links between the two groups of utterly disparate officials were asked to clarify how HMRC officials had come up with the figure a very similar looking official to the first official shouted from the same window of his Lamborghini, “Oh it ‘s you again. Haw haw! I can’t really remember what I said before but here goes…Yes, well you see it’s all very complicated and hush hush y’know. Er… let me see. The way we came to this figure, which I would like to add is very fair indeed, especially for our friends at Google, Haw haw! Is that we took the number of houses that I own in Surrey then left it as it was and times-ed it by a hundred million. Yes. That’s right! Haw haw! Good day!”

David Cameron known to own a huge amount of shares in mega-rich, tax-dodging Google as well as other mega-rich, tax-dodging companies such as Starbucks, Facebook and Amazon attempted to clarify HMRC’s position of the world’s most popular search engine’s tax bill and said, “The UK public must stop being suspicious about mega-rich, tax-dodging companies and do their own tax returns, remembering at all times it is important to get them in on time. It is simply wrong to believe that no one in the UK benefits from these mega-rich, tax-dodging multi nationals and I would personally like to reassure everyone that, as I said yesterday in front of a packed House of Commons, the Tories have ‘done more’ a ‘lot more’ out of tax than the last government. Oh yes. Believe me. A lot, lot more. Don’t you worry about that.”

When Google were Googled they were not available for comment but kept repeating ‘Error 404’ until members of the press went away. 

 
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