The fragile fidelity of the UK elections have, once again, forced media giants the BBC and Facebook to team up against the rampant global forces of ‘fake news.’ Main outlets targeted for suspicion include usual suspects; the internet, people talking in pubs (especially those having a fag outside) and the truth. Fake news was first invented by US counter intelligent bosses when they alleged Russian Premier Vladimir Putin had caused Hillary Clinton’s shock election defeat by posting pictures of her eating pizzas garnished with babies on Snapchat. Though this story, in itself, was probably to hide the fact John Podesta, amongst others working for the Clinton team, were, at the very least, involved in grossly immoral, if not altogether illegal behaviour, it worked like a charm and since then pro-establishment types everywhere have been on the lookout for this new and most virulent threat to their cosy world order.
Lord Devlin Mendax Odium (66), Head of Truth Economics at the BBC, explained, “Basically, we know certain members of the pubic expose themselves to information antithetical to the, or more truthfully our, established worldview. Happy thinking as we at the Beeb like to call it. So, for the sake of impartiality in these important weeks before the general election, we are simply advising the British public to ignore things like: books, the internet, foreign TV, foreigners in general, scruffy people with cars over ten years old who don’t immediately throw on a North Face jacket every time it even looks like raining and, for the next month or so, only pay attention to newspapers from your local newsagent and programs advertised in the Radio Times. If everyone sticks to these few simple rules then everything will run smoothly and our friends at the Conservative Party will, once again, slip seamlessly into power. Rather like a masterful but insistent stallion mounting an unsuspecting filly in one of my paddocks. Ah yes. Excellent.”
Billionaire Mark Zuckerberg carey/sharey CEO of Facebook, sighed into his skinny double decaf latte and lamented, “The thought that someone would say something untrue on the internet breaks my heart. But the idea that someone would lie on Facebook makes my blood boil like an exploding Samsung I phone. That’s why we must work harder than Chinese people in an Apple tablet factory to stamp out this criticism of public freedom and globalist universal democracy wherever it is, once and for all.”
Conservative Party communications chief Timothy Turlington Trice (33) scoffed, “This fake news bollocks is genius. I thought the conspiracy theorist slur was brilliant but this is even better. I mean, even if someone prints what I’ve just said, or Boris Johnson gets caught with his pants round his ankles in an old folk’s home, or an orphanage, or even a cowshed for Christ’s sake, or if people actually found out Labour are more popular than us, then I can just say, ‘Oh that, old boy, it’s just fake news.’ Haw haw. Looks like I can spend the next four weeks with my feet on my desk. The English people must be a load of old cock wombles to believe this crap… Oh! Haw haw! Roll on the elections in June old boy! Roll on the elections in June!”
7 Apr 2017
Facebook’s director of policy for Europe says it’s up to people to educate themselves.