‘Dear Jackie ‘
“I just had to write
But I had to do it secretly
Because I didn’t want my mother
To see the letters
Outside on crutches the night
Is making its way across the bay
I just had to say Jackie
That I understand your loss
I really do
The canal becoming heavy
And black
Waiting for the ambulance
Blue light flashing
To come and sip from the water’s
Edge
Your photograph in the newspaper
As usual locked in your dark glasses
Transporting the shade of the grave
Around with you
The black room- my room
Wrapped in bandages, sweet
wrappers and electric coloured tinsel
Plastered with your photos
I stumble back from the pub
Carrying a suitcase full of tears
To sit in my room and think
As I do now knowing you are sad
While trees like plane wreckage
Fill the garden
And snag up like stockings
In the hedge
I just wanted to say I was lonely
That I wanted someone to share
This life with
Will I die in the bathroom?
Empty pill bottle by my side?
Or running from the wild pigs
In the garden?
Perhaps a baby with a stocking
Over its head?
Pressing a toy gun
Against my temple
While the model Spitfire is forced
To make an emergency landing
Behind the sofa
I awaken from a strange dream
Cold in nothing but my underpants
And cold sweat
Surveying the empty beer bottles
And full ashtrays
Some notes I made of our last
Meeting ( I wish)
Having carefully rewritten the dialogue
And rearranged the scene
Tidied it up
Struck out the stutter and weakness
Transferred it to another setting far
From the truth
Acted out our love in drunkenness and
Despair
Fussed over the laughter and timing
Tired and dazed by drink
Stumbled into bed
Pretended to be dead
To be a wounded soldier
Thinking every visit to my night bed could
Be the last
Like the closed curtains
I join in silent denial of tomorrow.
Trapping a moon outside
Waking from my dreams
I find myself on stage
The audience packed solid
Dotted with eyes looking up through
The dark- listening
Let the lights fade
All I can say is Jackie I miss you so much.”
.
Malcolm Paul
.