You think you have built up an armour
you think that now you are protected
you avoid
What you must avoid
& seek
What you must seek
but it ambushes you
from the most unlikely corner
like when
you’re looking up satay recipes
on the web
& you find a menu for a Chinese restaurant
In Robertsbridge
while on the TV
orcas
swim and blow
through a lagoon
pine forests behind them
snow capped peaks
& Robertsbridge
is down south somewhere
a place you’ve never been
&
it’s there,in you,
the hollowness
the longing
this strange & soaring yearning
& you take a shower
on the radio
a song says ‘gravity,you are my enemy’
& you cook pasta
& write in front of some banal programme
voices in your ear
so you don’t start weeping
so you don’t think of dying
so you don’t think of heartbreak
because
it never leaves
it waits for you
the black destroyer
the reeking thing
telling you of loss
& pain
& a dissatisfaction so deep
one with the owls you’ll never be
with the orcas you’ll never be
and this attendant thing
will be a shadow among the mourners
the veils & the suits
in the rain
at the grave
.
Niall Griffiths
Picture Nick Victor
.