SAUSAGE Life 336

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that is nasty, British and short

STOP PRESS:
KARDASHIANS NEVER EXISTED:
Entire family faked in Florida warehouse claims man in moon

READER: That is a ridiculous headline.

MYSELF: Why? Are you saying there is no man in the moon?

READER: All I’m saying is that The Kardashians definitely exist, I’ve seen pictures.

MYSELF: According to the Man in the Moon, you are wrong. He claims the entire Kardashian family is actually a cheap, hollow mirage inhabited by wispy phantoms projected on to our subconscious.

READER: Ludicrous! Projected on to our subconscious? How?

MYSELF: By invisible Russian X-ray drones. Operating in the dark web.

READER: Drones? I might have known. Maybe there is something in it after all.

CAT HAT IN SHOPS SOON
Issue 666 of Witch Magazine, the consumer publication dedicated to occult-based mumbo-jumbo, has a feature on Professor Gordon Thinktank, which recommends that all black cats be fitted with the Hastings inventor’s latest innovation, an anti-bad luck device dubbed The Cat-Nav. The satellite-linked helmet automatically detects when a pedestrian’s path is likely to be crossed by a black cat and sends an electronic image of a plump, delicious mouse or a wedge of Swiss cheese directly into the cat ‘s brain. This distracts the animal, allowing the superstitious stroller valuable seconds to take evasive action. The inventor is also, according to Witch, working on a ladder which automatically folds up when anyone attempts to walk under it.

BALLET MATINÉE – UPPER DICKER ROYAL COURT
It became evident during the first half of this ambitious Royal Court debut of Mascarponi’s latest opera Rubella featuring Dame Melba Turste as the enchanted donkey and Tarquin Codpeace as the disappointed swan, that all was not well. During the interval, raised voices could be heard coming from the orchestra pit, one of them being the unmistakable grating roar of the principal ballerina herself. The shocked audience could hear every syllable as Dame Melba vented her fury at orchestra conductor Remy Vaselini. The Grande Dame was insinuating that the tempo during the opening Le Petit Battement En Grenouille was played at a deliberately frantic Tortellini al Pesto instead of Allegro Ma Non Troppo as specified by the composer,. This, she claimed, caused her to trip during a tricky jambes pliées sous le menthol, and bang her head against a piece of scenery. An affronted Vaselini countered with the accusation that Dame Melba’s equilibrium had obviously been compromised by the previous night’s gin-binge, and that her feet were “like two canoes filled with cement’
Shortly after that, a reverberating crash rang around the auditorium, the source of which was traced to the solid brass Chinese gong with which Dame Melba had fractured Mr. Valentino’s skull. By the time the house lights went up to allow the conductor to be stretchered off, queues had already formed at the box office to buy tickets for the evening performance, many of which would soon be available from touts outside the theatre at five times their face value.

New series
QUID NUNTAM IN TROUTAE
All your legal questions addressed by His Worship
Lord Justice Hyphen-Hyphen (AA,RAC & Bar struck off)

Dear Your Worship
As a self-employed one-man pantomime swan, I implore you to help me settle this question once and for all. Are pantomime swans required to conform to the same Equity regulations as pantomime horses? I mean, does there have to be one small actor (long necked) in the front and another one in the back? I enclose a publicity photograph of myself in my one-man-operated swan costume, described by Stage magazine as “more swan-like than the real thing”. Unfortunately, thanks to intense union pressure, I now find myself effectively blacklisted in the pantomime swan community.
Jeremiah Tiara
Longwool in the Marsh

HYPHEN-HYPHEN’S VERDICT:
Sorry though I am to hear of your employment difficulties, the law does not take kindly to any contravention of the health and safety act. Indeed, Equity rule 2177114b is very specific on this matter, where Para 2 of section IV (Pantomime Swans) clearly states: During, before and after the performance of a pantomime, (including any intervals), there shall at all times be two small actors inside every pantomime swan, principally so that the one in the rear can act as a guard. (See Roland Quigley vs Doncaster Theatre Royal 1948),

Dear Your Honour,
I have been told by a friend that if one is bitten by a badger, or receives a severe scratch from its claws, one will eventually turn into a badger. If this happened to one, where would one stand, legally?
Kevin Brock, The Thickets, Kent

HYPHEN-HYPHEN’S VERDICT:
A most interesting question, which reminded one immediately of the infamous precedent of Schultz v Stott (Nottingham Magistrate’s Court 1973).
After being bitten by a badger shortly before retiring to bed, Gavin Schultz fell into a deep sleep. He woke up the following morning with the overwhelming notion that he was a badger. Eventually, with the aid of hair dyes and several nose operations, he was able to go and live in the woods where he could “live with his people”. During a court appearance, following his arrest for causing a nuisance in the garden of William Stott, a neighbor, his defence council claimed that since he now lived in the woods and foraged for insects and the occasional earthworm, and furthermore had on four occasions received cautions for urban bin raiding, he should now be classed as a badger. After one witness for the prosecution swore under oath that Mr. Schultz had given TB to one of his cows, the magistrate, former dairy farmer Wilhelmina Salamander slammed her gavel down and declared that the court would hear no more badger evidence. Later, in a closed session, she ruled that becoming like a badger was not the same as becoming a badger, and ordered that the defendant be culled.

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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