SAUSAGE Life 339

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which likes to listen to the radio with the sound off

READER: I see according to the Mail, The Telegraph, The Sun, The Express and BeeGee News that Britain’s economy is booming, despite the fact that Johnny Foreigner is taking all our jobs and warm clothes whilst buying plasma TVs and taking Fentanyl in their luxury hotel suites.

MYSELF: Yes. And if you close your eyes and hold your nose you can fart through your ears. I should point out that in the same issue, the Daily Mail also planted a story claiming that the late singer Roy Orbison wore a wig and dark glasses because he only had one leg and didn’t want anyone to know about it:

READER: Is that true?

MYSELF: About Roy Orbison?

READER: No, about closing your eyes, holding your nose and farting through your ears.

MYSELF: Of course.

FA CUP SHOCK
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC 0 – Chiddingly Pharaohs 8
The Warriors have suffered another embarrassing FA cup exit, this time inflicted by lowly Chiddingly Pharaohs, 200 places below them in the Bob’s Corner Shop ‘n Nail Bar League (south). Warriors’ Irish manager Alabaster Tipperary was visibly upset as he spoke to us, post-match, in the back room of The Tortured Soul, the S&M bar owned by the club’s Russian-born proprietor, Oliver Garky.
“We was robbed,” he told us, “and we have put in an official objection to the FA. Apart from the fact that all 8 goals were offside, the lads were inhibited by The Pharaohs’ garish pink away strip with black lace edging, which was enough to prevent fearsome central defender Nobby Balaclava from putting in his legendary vicious but fair two-footed sliding tackle. On top of that we had groin-kick specialist Ruud Van Smoot sidelined with a broken jockstrap, and we are still waiting for the medical team’s verdict on Bert ‘Pinocchio’ Lampwick whose girlfriend’s father’s attempt to castrate him the night before the game was fortunately thwarted in the nick of time.”

TRUMP-THE VERDICT FROM THE STREET
By our aubern-haired political gangsta correspondent Shaka Lakkaboom
Yo! Wh’appen wid dis loonytune Trumpety-Trump dude? Me an I no can’ respec’ dis goose steppin ice-boy geeza, gnome sane? Dat fat orange sack be worse dan da Tories or some shit lak dat innit? Or dem policemens who is still stoppin an searchin gnome sane? I is well stressed man, which is why I speak lak dis, even doh I is a middle-clarse white ginger boy born an bred in Shepton Mallet, wit tree A levels an two parents, gnome sane?
Respect! Shakalakaboom!

PASTA POSER
I am delighted to be able to answer this musical query from Mrs Iona Feshzupper of Beyondenden, Kent:
Guiseppe’s Aureola is a type of portable hurdygurdy which gained popularity in the late Victorian era. Manufactured in Italy by legendary Florentine instrument makers Mangiare Strumento, it produces musical notes by striking ribbons of tagliatelle of varying lengths which have been stretched between two pieces of Parma ham, with a corista sculacciato, a long handled wooden spatula carved by the monks of the ancient Sicilian order of Fratelli Pederasti, founded by Pope Gingangooly VII.

PURGATORY! EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW!
Sausage Life has been given exclusive access to the official trailer for BBC3’s new star-studded 5-part drama-documentary from the prolific pen of Dr Who writer Russell “Tea” Davies.
Set in the Roman Catholic Church’s post-mortem waiting room, episode one opens on a black screen filled with swirling smoke. As droning cellos grind out a grim dirge we fade up on a dimly-lit wide shot of a flat, bleak, featureless concrete expanse…

VOICE OVER (Tom Baker):
Often described as the church’s own Guantanamo Bay, Purgatory – neither heaven nor hell – hovers midway between the two, like a menacing tightrope-walking circus clown suspended over a bubbling volcano. Although granted exclusive interviews with some of the inmates of purgatory, the BBC has been expressly forbidden by the Vatican’s Ecumenical Council to reveal their identities…..all voices have been electronically altered.

INTERVIEWER (Melvyn Bragg):
Why are you in purgatory?

MAN (David Walliams):
That’s what I keep asking myself. Just before committing suicide in order to avoid facing up to some wholly unsubstantiated allegations, I converted to Catholicism… if only I’d known!

INTERVIEWER:
How long do you expect to spend here?

MAN:
No idea. Nobody gives you any information down here, or is it up here? Every day is the same – its worse than being alive!

INTERVIEWER:
Like Groundhog Day?

MAN:
Yes! Except much longer, and without Bill Murray. We just lack the basic things. Human contact, empathy, beer.

A PALE WOMAN (Gwyneth Paltrow) DRIFTS BY, DRESSED IN ELIZABETHAN COSTUME. SHE PAYS THEM NO ATTENTION

MAN: See what I mean? They can’t hear you. You can’t hear them either, we’re all just wafting around like stoned hippies wondering where all the flowers have gone.

INTERVIEWER: Interesting. Have you read Kafka’s The Trial?

MAN: I would if I could, but they don’t give you books down here. No books, no magazines, no newspapers. Nothing.

INTERVIEWER: Some of these people look like they’ve been here for centuries

MAN: I know, It’s a worry. Especially since I don’t have a clue what I’m in for, or how long I got for it.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any idea why you were sent here?

MAN: Well it would have been something to do with sin, obviously. Only it couldn’t have been mortal sin, otherwise…..

INTERVIEWER: Otherwise you would have gone straight to Hell.

MAN: Exactly, ouch. So it must have been original sin.

INTERVIEWER: Original sin? So what did you do?

MAN: Do? You don’t have to do anything, you’re born with it.

INTERVIEWER: Hang on a minute…You’re born with it?

MAN: Yes, if you’re Roman Catholic, you’re just born with it. It’s like a silver spoon in reverse.

INTERVIEWER: That’s harsh. Are there any other religions in here?

MAN: No, just Catholics

INTERVIEWER: So how do you manage to survive day to day?

MAN: With increasing difficulty since my death to be honest.

INTERVIEWER: In what way?

MAN: Look, the thing people don’t realise about Purgatory is that everything stays more or less the same as when you were last alive. Hunger for example – I would advise every Catholic to have a good meal before dying. The same goes for thirst, going to the toilet and sexual desire – so don’t say I didn’t warn you… Look out!

HE PUSHES THE INTERVIEWER OUT OF THE WAY AS FIFTY ACTORS DRESSED AS CATS BURST INTO SHOT STRIKING ODD POSES AND PERFORMING WILD UNINHIBITED ACROBATICS. FADE TO BLACK

MUSIC (Swells over PURGATORY! Logo): Purgatory Suite For Unprepared Piano by Andrew Lloyd Webber

VOICEOVER 2 (The bloke who used to say “probably the best lager in the world”): PUR-GA-TORY…..BBC3… Thursdays…..the long wait begins…

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
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CAUTION
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