A Royal Ditty



O  let us be married says In-Bred the German
I’ve very good prospects says William to Kate
The doctor’s confirmed that you’re almost a virgin
And Grannie’s approved it so let’s fix a date
                        Hardly wait

O let’s drive to church in a coach made of silver
And fill up the Abbey with poshers and trees
It’s costing a fortune and thoroughly tasteless
But fuck it, we’re Royals, we’ll do as we please
                        What a breeze

O who are these people ten deep at the roadside
Subservient pebbles upon the sea shore?
Just wave to them, darling, says in-bred the German
And look like you mean it, they’ll love you much more

O who’ll bring the bacon says Duchess of Cambridge
And who’ll pay the school-fees says Middle-class Kate
It’s all taken care of In-Bred the German
The tab will be paid by the coffers of state
                        Ain’t it great?

But won’t they shout bollocks, says Duchess of Cambridge
And won’t they be sharp’nin’ the old guillotine?
No, no: this is England, they’re pretty well-trained
Just look at them queuing all night in the rain
Children and cattle all need to be led
And on fatuous pageants perpetually fed
And now they believe that it’s happy and healthy
To worship the unjustifiably wealthy
Climb in this big limousine
Be my queen!


Chris Larner

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