Now, me and N2 talked a lot for the first month over messages then I suggested we should go for a coffee in a Starbucks in Derry.
When she picked me up she told me she was shitting herself while getting ready and telling her friend this in the process.
I just smiled and told her she had nothing to worry about!
Eventually we would start seeing more of each other for another month but nothing happened.
I never tried to kiss her or make love to her.
She would be in town with her friends – I would be finished a gig and sitting at home eating and watching TV and she would land up and talk, but I knew she wanted more and… if I am to be totally honest: so did I!
After a couple of months of being good friends – I was sitting one late afternoon in that winter and I decided to text her and say this: I’m not looking for a relationship but, would you be interested in being friends with benefits?
I got no reply and I ended up sending 2 or 3 more messages apologising if I upset her by what I said!
A couple of hours later she replied and said: I love that idea and you didn’t upset me… my phone was dead lol!
Oh, fuck… this was happening!
She came down straight away from the Port to my home… and when she came through the door I just told her to say nothing and I took her by the hand and by God it was so fucking amazing to be mad about someone again while making love!
Now, she was just out of a long complicated relationship like myself and that’s why she was happy with the agreement like myself…
We had sex all the time and everywhere!
We fucked in the dark (midnight) beside a pond in between our local forest and a well-known hotel while I stood outside her car door and she was inside the car doing her from behind.
We did it in her mum’s house in her bedroom so silently you could hear the moonlight bouncing off the windowpane as I silently mouthed ‘fuck yeah!’
We would walk in my door and go into the living room and she would drop down on her knees, I would turn off the light as she unzipped!
She even gave me a quick blowjob in her friend’s bed…
(I would write and a poem about this called ‘Hashtag’ and put it out publicly and she wasn’t mad, but she would like for that to not happen again)
I even said I would give up writing that night and she told me: don’t to be silly you’re a great writer!
There was a changing point for me when we were getting Chinese food in the little town she lived in outside of mine for her, myself, her mother and her sister and her boyfriend!
We were picking it up when all of a sudden we bumped into an old school friend of mine and his girlfriend was an old friend of hers.
We were sitting like we were all a couple and shit got real!
I really liked N2 and I knew she liked me but, this was what we were trying to avoid!
We continued hanging out and having sex but I felt like feelings maybe getting in the way!
I’ll never forget the last night we were together and freaked out and text her it was over!
The last night we fucked I was forcing myself to cum, but I made sure I did because I knew it was going to be the very last.
Just before she left later on that night – I was starting to drift off (I did this a lot after my night time tablets) but she leant over me and kissed me gently and said: goodnight!
When I heard the door close I got up and wrote that message I was dreading to write!
I said: I can’t do this anymore and I’m sorry, love you!
She didn’t take it bad at all and replied: that’s fine, love you too!
Now, my mum was mad about N2 and thought I was a complete cock for finishing it with her!
Lo and behold – I would stay friends with her (even up till now) and I would tell her how stupid I was for ending it and tell her this truth: I was starting to fall for you and I totally freaked out!
But she would not reciprocate my love and just say: thank you!
So, never leave it too long to tell someone the truth and never leave anything unsaid, even if that means it is not paid back!
Cumming close to love
On the backs of her feet
I was close to love
I didn’t say a word