‘Sir’ (citation needed) Philip Green has joined the race to become the UK’s most hated man and bookies are predicting that he ‘could go all the way.’ The greasy faced tax-dodging billionaire upped the ante in his national hatred bid yesterday by announcing that he had burgled the pensions of 12,500 hard-working BHS employees in order to buy himself his third superyacht, the largest in maritime history, stylishly named ‘Lionheart.’ Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt and Sun editor Kelvin McKenzie, past favourites in the running for the national hatred No.1 slot, were said to be shaken by Green’s new disgusting behaviour and have promised to ‘take out all the stops’ in their own campaigns.
Smooth-talking businessman Mr Green shouted with lumps of caviar spraying over his polyester T-shirt, ‘I can do what I fucking like. If you don’t believe me ask the Tory party who fully support my thieving because I give them kick backs out of the cash that I rob from the poor. Oh yes. They don’t call me Mr fucking Green for nothing. Look at my fucking wad you fuckers. It’s mine! All mine! Now fuck off!‘
The international super villain’s glamorous tax-exile wife Tina came to the defense of her husband: talking from the couples’ tasteful five-story golden castle in Monaco she noted, ‘My Phil can do what he fucking likes you fucks! If you don’t believe me ask the Tory party who we give kick backs from the money what we stole from the poor. You’re just jealous of fucking rich people you fuckers. Fuck off!’
Lionel Sicarius, one of the thousands of BHS staff who has been burgled by the Greens, sighed, ‘Apparently he is going to have to appear in front of a government select committee to explain how many new hilarious T-shirts he’s bought with my money. But everyone knows that those things (select committees) are as much use as a chocolate teapot so I’m not hopeful about getting it back. Someone said that he (Mr Green) was the unacceptable face of capitalism but that’s like saying Jimmy Savile was the unacceptable face of BBC light-entertainment. I reckon if Jeremy Hunt (citation needed) shut his mouth for two minutes, Phil could easily become the UK’s most hated man. Kelvin McKenzie’s an evil tosspot, sure, but Mr Green’s a thieving greedy, psychopathic, tasteless piece of shite who hangs around with Simon Cowell and you wouldn’t trust with a bag full of cigarette butts and used prophylactics let alone your pension. He really could go all the way.’
Philip Green: days of anger, shouting, abuse and threats
The Guardian’s inquiries into Philip Green’s business dealings were met with anger, shouting, abuse and threats of litigation.