• He could be relied upon to break any promise, deny any conviction, betray
any ally or nominal friend for the sake of a self advantage.
• Lewis Lapham
bart plantenga
1. RMN and his pre-presidential physique became increasingly volatile and insalubrious during the course of the Presidential Debate with his “adversarial pawn,” JFK, in late October, 1960. His inopportune overheating activated adverse sweat gland production, releasing a frightful flow of untelegenic perspiration[1] onto the already turbulent epidermis of RMN.[2]
2. The primary but not unlikely locale for much of the perspiration was located at the cleaved and sloped septum above the upper lip of RMN. This cephalic labial conundrum retained the sour beads of perspiration the way a stolen hankie might hold the unruly slug pellets of an unspent 12-gauge shotgun shell.
a. By virtue of Network positioning of studio lights (“Conspiracy,” RMN would later rail.) much undue fascination and speculation was cast upon this patch of contested epidermis.
b. Post-debate dermatological analyses of RMN perspiration samples gathered from septum focal region by his Emergency Election Medical team revealed abnormal concentration of septum sweat glands at 10 times the national average for American males. Also noted were extremely high levels of nitro-glycerin, stress toxins, social abrasives and norepinephrine, a body narcotic that, rather than cool body surfaces and mind crags, instead, generates quasi-tangible delusions of grandeur. This prescient (and suppressed) report report would later serve as a harbinger for RMN’s lunge toward despotic concentrations of power.[3] Report also reveals almost total absence of sodium pentathol, dextrose, galactose and other complex sugars.
c. Galvanic skin response analysis revealed an already tangled web of multiple untruths so convoluted as to allow RMN a certain 3rd person dispensation of responsibility from their “spontaneous” manufacture.
d. Thus, despite the American Public’s delirious advocacy of gun ownership, allusions to ammunition in RMN’s (see popularization of term “sweating bullets.”) did not accord him the victory he thought he deserved in the Presidential Debate and subsequent Election of 1960. and we could all see very well the TV face of RMN collapsing around disillusionment.
e. His reported, but never fully verified, auto-erotic propensity to imagine himself in bed with renowned Leftist stars [the often-named include: ——— and ———–] while they dabbed his upper lip with soiled hankies and placed their erectic nipples between his toes to goad him to admit to very un-Quaker like fantasies involving the nasal inhalation of a fine mix of dried female ejaculation [a cocktail made up of urea, prostatic acid phosphatase, fructose and the mysterious among other substances].
3. 1966: RMN disappears to undergo radical septal sweat gland removal. The region was exposed to radical, and at the time, unapproved, laser beam and grit-blasting therapy in the Bethesda Maryland. Operation was deemed a success. Only adverse effect seemed to be subsequent loss of sideburns. (RMN was to later make light of this when Elvis Presley begged RMN to make him a Drug Enforcement Officer. One photo reveals RMN caressing “The Other King’s” exotically hirsute bootblack lambchop sideburns – location, by the way, Elvis suggested as possible place for hidden microphone implant!)
4. Strategy Recommendations For RMN Election Campaign:
To Win Women’s Lib Vote: RMN reaches out to J. Edgar Hoover by phone. Hoover recommends subtle re-emergence of “New Nixon.” Red theme: a red flared-leg pantsuit worn on the Jonathan Winters Show would cast him as softer, more likeable and gender conscious. (Subtle colorist allusions to Ho Chi Minh hinting at possible normalization of trade with China to take advantage of Communist naiveté.)
“Racier lingerie will serve us at a propitious moment,” Hoover predicts. In May of 1967, Hoover opens his bethesda maryland wardrobe of red gowns to RMN.
RMN asks Martha Mitchell, “If radical libbers and lesbos reject male penetration then how do we introduce the U.S. Army manufacture dildo as a Republican visual icon?”
RMN asks Banker and Business Associate, Bebe Rebozo, to supply complete manufacturers list of dildos and sexual aids.
RMN shows Hoover old Duke University college prank he pulled in 1937. RMN squeezes his excess abdominal flab together so that the 2 pinched fat flaps conjure up allusions to various renowned vaginas.
RMN goes shopping incognito with Cold War Warrior John Foster Dulles. They choose a durable pair of red breech panties emblazoned with a scatter-pattern of smilie-faced napalm bombs.
G. Gordon Liddy mysteriously produces 4 “Black Power” eel-action double-dong dildos with gloved-fist-glans-in-defiant-erection look. RMN jokes he will make them the legs of the official Republican Convention podium.
John Dean, in May 1968 presents study with fabricated figures that “proves” Republicans to be more progressive than the Yippies, Black Panthers and N.O.W. in how it addresses issues of women-as-victims. Conclusion: Future mothers are safer in the home. Proposed campaign slogan: NO MOTHERS IN THE COAL MINES!
RMN privately calls long-haired men AND women “traitorous incontinent slovenly peaceniks.
John Haldeman forms Slogan Rectification Committee to alter the current THE ENTITLEMENT OF THE FEW AT THE EXPENSE OF THE MANY campaign slogan. Rejected: FOLLOW THE MONEY and THOSE WHO MAKE CENTS MAKE SENSE!
5. RMN’s electoral victory leads to Power Consolidation efforts in 1970: RMN frames “lovely” photos of machine-gunned dorm windows at Jackson State University [site of two deaths and “heroic suppression of protest sentiments.”
RMN sends Bebe Rebozo to bid on Mussolini artifacts in Vatican Auction in May 1970. Rebozo returns with purchase; Mussolini’s coveted bullethole-riddled brown “death jacket” for 3.5 million lira (appropriated with donations from a secret Pharmaceutical Industry Slush Fund.)
RMN reportedly waxes multiple-gin-and-tonic poetic, wearing Mussolini jacket, declaring, “Peek-a-boo! We are now about to fucking embark on our policy of 1000 Holes of Light. Tell Laird to BOMB The fuckers to Hell! Bomb ‘em!” (See Bush allusion in to “Thousand Points of Light” in 1989 State of the Union address.)
RMN in 1972 (now stooped and paranoid – Time Quickens!) with more gin and tonics lined up on the banister, performs a “hilarious” finger puppet show, utilizing the ragged bulletholes in Mussolini’s “death jacket” as a prop, to a stunned audience of Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Liddy and son-in-law, David Eisenhower.
In October 1972, RMN, although a Quaker, with Quakers known throughout history for their rejection of war and their emphasis on peace, racial equality and prison reform, makes a machine gun rat-a-tat noise and shouts at the wall: “Take that, McGovern!” As he dismisses “with calculated contempt” Presidential candidate George McGovern’s charge that his administration is the “most corrupt and dishonest in history.”
And at that frozen instant, Eisenhower spotted the distressing, telltale, glistening bead of perspiration under RMN’s nose, hanging their like “a sad crystal clinging to a chandelier in the delinquent lobby of a theatre about to feel the first shadow and shiver of the wrecking ball.”
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1 Excessive sweating of the upper lip, also known as septum hyperhidrosis, may be effectively treated by dietary changes [no garlic, no salt], mattifying cosmetic primers, or liposuction. These remedies were ineffective in the case of RMN and so he was treated at the Mayo Clinic by Dr. Ted Morell, jr., who performed various excisions and curettages, in effect, the cutting out or scraping out of the sweat glands. The operation was deemed unsuccessful. As a result RMN had Dr. Morell terminated and vowed to make sure he never worked again.
2 RMN appeared waxen, sweaty, pale and underweight due to a recent hospitalization to handle complications involving a knee infection. He appeared sickly and haggard. The cameras show no compassion.
3 “But there was all this sweat on his upper lip. We knew he was lying. He knew we knew he was lying. But he was determined to tell the lie.” • Martin Short, comedian-actor, Presidential speechwriter
The Nixon anti-homage was written specifically for the occasion of the NYC writing group, The Unbearables reading called “The Impeachment Proceedings” on Feb. 19, 1992 in conjunction with Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings. It was also called “The Dead Presidents Reading” as each Unbearable chose their own favorite President to roast. The Nixon tribute has never been published before. The reading also included the usual Unbearable suspects inc: Alfred Vitale, Ron Kolm, Jim Feast, Carol Wierzbicki, Carl Watson, among others.
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