The column that ties its own shoelaces together, then tries to run away.
READER: You should be ashamed.
MYSELF: About what?
READER: Picking on Nigel Farage again.
MYSELF: You mean because of the fact that he is a ghastly little frog-faced shit? Or because of his shameless lobbying for the tobacco industry? Or because a dirty little propaganda organisation like GB News is even allowed to exist as a platform for his racist mysoginist Nazi-tinged imagination?
READER: I can see you’re not a fan, but other things aside, what’s wrong with pointing out that fags are not as harmful as people think? My dear old gran for instance, smoked 150 untipped Gauloise a day, and lived to be 97.
MYSELF: Just think how much longer she would have lived had she not smoked.
READER: That is a spurious argument. Statistics suggest that you are far more likely to be killed by a speeding car than a cigarette.
MYSELF: That would very much depend on how fast the cigarette was travelling.
FAKE BURGERS CONTAINED FAKE HORSE
Government hygiene inspectors raided a recently opened branch of the restaurant chain RIPE earlier this month. Our reporter arrived at the franchise’s premises in Upper Dicker, Kent, to find the area sealed off and guarded by police officers. Scene of crime tape surrounded the building, as catering specialists in white decontamination suits went to and fro carrying racks of scientific equipment. Although all refused to comment, we have since received information from a reliable source that the restaurant, which boasts of providing meals solely manufactured from asbestos, is suspected of serving asbestos burgers containing fibreglass horse to unsuspecting customers. This was initially denied by manager Norman Rude (52), but when presented with the evidence, he confessed: “OK, there was one incident with a burger and yes, it did contain traces of fibreglass horse. Since we opened as the UK’s only restaurateurs catering exclusively to the food-intolerant community, we have been more or less fully booked every night. Although these circumstances were completely beyond our control, our customers were, rightly, unamused. Rumours that this incident, or anyone involved in the management of RIPE, was in any way connected with the recent kidnapping of fibreglass thoroughbred racehorse Gulzar’s Folly from its Hastings stables, are entirely unfounded. I would stress that according to experts, fibreglass horse is no more harmful than fibreglass beef when consumed in moderation”.
Ron Gravy, former head of the uber-right wing British Gravytrain Party (BGP), has decided to throw his hat in the ring with the new conservatives.
“Since the demise of the BGT, which has quite frankly descended into an ill-disciplined rabble since I left, the one thing I have missed is interfering in things which I really couldn’t care less about and inciting hatred and intolerance. The latest ‘happening’ place for this sort of thing is now up north, behind the red wall, where the electorate are even stupider than the ones in the south and will swallow any old garbage as long as it’s delivered by algorithm, or by The Mail or The Telegraph. This is my chance to finally make a big splash, and hopefully take a fair selection of society with me when I finally go down in a blaze of glory, like a plucky young Spitfire pilot battling the Hun over the sun-dappled English Channel”.
HICCUPS & SORCERY
Are you still standing on your head and singing Land Of Hope And Glory whilst drinking warm pig’s blood under a pregnant horse? By coming up with what he claims to be the “definitive cure for hiccups”, Hastings’ favourite inventor, Professor Gordon Thinktank, hopes that he can finally consign these old wives’ tales to the dustbin. He is confident that his remedy will be approved by the General Medical Council in time for the seasonal food ‘n drink orgy of Christmas.
“Hiccups,” the inventor told us, “is a greatly underestimated drain on society. The great tenor Caruso, for example, after a weekend vodka binge in a Turin cocktail bar, suffered an attack which lasted over three years. Constant hiccupping rendered him totally incapable of performing live, and every recording from that period contains thousands of hiccups which had to be edited out by skilful audio engineers before it could be released”.
The professor, when pressed, refused to reveal details of the cure on the grounds of confidentiality, adding only that the CO2-based tablets, once approved, would be available online without prescription at www.thinktanksolutions/hic.org and at all branches of Wetherspoons.
The Huge Orange Dressing-Gown Festival has announced the latest exciting additions to the line-up for their annual bash in Beyondenden, Kent. Top comedy duo Smoulders & Burns will provide an alternative to comedy in the Alternative Comedy Wigwam. Sunderland’s Gene Poole & The Eugenics will top the bill in the Indie Yurt, ably supported by Sussex Woof Garage legends Meat Raffle, featuring original guitarist Tit Bingo and featuring the debut appearance of acronymous teen sensations Wheelophobic Arsonist Ninja Kleptomaniacs.
By the time you read this, the human version of the Grand National The Great Northern Run will be over and the surviving contestants, their faces redder than the bottoms of red-bottomed baboons, having successfully avoided cardiac arrest, will be able to dine out on the fact that they have competed with some of the most boring narcissists on earth.
This year’s budget restraints and the inevitable Covid restrictions have meant, sadly, that the proposed introduction of seven-foot fences and water-filled ditches has had to be postponed. Also, since the St. John’s Ambulance Brigade pulled out, anyone who falls over (with the exception of people dressed as nursery rhyme characters, who have been exempted to avoid alarming children), will be shot.
THE ONLY WAY IS ETHICS
The organisers were at pains to point out that the official sponsors of The Great Northern Run, Pets in a Pickle, are a reputable company which provides health insurance for domestic animals, and should not be confused with Pets in Pickle, a condiments manufacturer which supplies the catering trade with chutney made from hamsters, goldfish, tortoises, bunny rabbits, puppies and kittens.
COMING SOON- WATCH THIS SPACE
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