Sausage life 299

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which agrees with WC Fields when he said “It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money”

READER: Let me finish…

MYSELF: Finish? You haven’t even started!

READER: That’s where you’re wrong! The starting pistol has been fired and once I get going, I’m like a scalded cat chasing an atomic powered mouse.

MYSELF: Hang on… wait a minute, that’s Farage isn’t it? What are you doing in my column?

READER (actually it is Farage): Yes it is, and in case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a general election going on and I’m winning.

MYSELF: No you’re not. People are throwing milkshakes at you.

FARAGE: Do I look bothered? They threw milkshakes at Leonardo da Vinci when he invented the helicopter and look what happened to him. He lost his mind and went on an opium-fuelled bender during which he broke into the Cistine Chapel and painted his infamous anti-semitic trope, The Haywain on the ceiling.

MYSELF: I think you’ll find…

FARAGE: Let me finish! They laughed at Caxton when he invented the Corbyn trouser press, but who’s laughing now? When I become Prime Minister, Leonardo da Vinci, illegal migrants and the rest of the bourgoise middle class avocado-eating wokerati will be on the first helicopter to Rwanda, which by the way, along with bringing back hanging drawing and quartering, is one of the few Tory Party policies I totally agree with…

FARAGE: Hello? Hello? Is there anybody there?

FARAGE: Hello? Ew! Who threw that?

FAKE NEWSFLASH
In a shock move even by his standards, Donald Trump has announced that after he wins the 2024 presidential election, he will appoint the schizophrenic shell-suited guru of gobshite David Icke as foreign secretary. After talks with Icke, Trump has declared that he wants to have lizard people added to his ever-growing list of those prohibited by the US immigration department.
“Let’s face it folks”, tweeted the podgy orange pussygrabber, “lizard people = bad people and who knows more about lizard people than David?…I love the guy, he’s even crazier than I am!”

DEAD COMEDIAN STANDS
‘Professor’ Stanley Unwin, who died in 2002, has confounded political pundits by announcing that he will be standing in the 2024 General Election representing The British Breakfast Party. The seat came up for grabs after the Conservative sitting MP ventriloquist Rodney Mulholland and his dummy Malcolm disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
Contacted via Ouija board by TV psychic duo Medium and Large, Mr. Unwin issued this brief statement by way of a manifesto:
“Politics ofty communicolada like a flapperly flypaper, all of a fluttermost in the sufflerlode of an early morny foodage. We in The Brekkermost Partly are like the wholesome fry of smouldery sausage, lovely proportional black puddle, toastymost marmalady, steamly hot tea-pottle and – unforgettabold – the crispymost rasher of the porky piglet. Last but not leastlymost – the speckled eggy-weg, laid all henpecker fresh and free rangerly and then fried over easily; in my deepermost humblode, the icicle on the cakehole, a truly truly tastymost!

This is the thrusty basical of The British Brekkermost Partly manifesterole, and I say this in mulitipole sincerelyosis: A vote for Stanley, is a vote for deep joy in the fundermold!”
http://www.stanleyunwin.com/audio.htm

POUNDALL TRAGEDY
Upper Dicker Riot Police described a scene of “utter devastation” after being called to an incident at Poundall’s Bargain Warehouse where all items are normally priced at £1. Within minutes of a 10% off everything sign going up in the window at 9am, a large, intimidating crowd had gathered and soon overpowered security and swarmed through the front door.
Predictably, the main surge was to aisle 12, which, besides a set of 100 plastic spoons in a plastic Victorian-style presentation spoon drawer, also displayed a combination nail file and fish knife set, assorted non-stick suction pads, a mobile phone accessory pack which included a tiny clip-on umbrella, and a battery-powered fridge, just big enough to hold a thimbleful of milk or a single sperm sample.
Police believe the main flashpoint occurred when two ladies battling for the one remaining novelty toolbox (Revolving-handled screwdriver, bouncy hammer, vanishing washers, finger-amputating pliers, comedy shelving and more!), tripped over a Taylor Swift sun lounger, causing the entire display of Elvis Presley-themed sanitary towel holders to collapse, resulting in a domino-style retail catastrophe. Hastings’ Chief Inspector Hydra Gorgon told us that initial suspicions that the sun lounger, had been deliberately left in the aisle by alien lizards had been discounted after a thorough investigation.

READER: Poundall’s! It’s simply not worth cutting corners just to save a few quid. I once bought a lava lamp there, which was still active. Luckily for me it erupted when I was out.
MYSELF: That’s nothing, when they first opened I bought my kids a bouncy castle, which turned out to be haunted.

CAFÉ’S ELECTION SPECIAL
The Attila Grill in Silverhill is offering a limited edition breakfast to encourage people to vote Tory. Known as The Full Conservative, it consists of coddled national service eggs, non-dom bacon, white-only pudding, bat’s blood, monkey glands and half a grilled tomato.

MYTHBUSTERS
The truth behind some popular misconceptions put about by the loony left.

MYTH: Money is the essential ingredient in a capitalist-based society.
FACT: Nonsense. I recently paid for a short bus journey with a kilo of purple sprouting broccoli.

MYTH: The pope does not need to wash his hands after shitting in the woods, because he is infallible.
FACT: The Pope defecates, not in the woods, but in a solid gold toilet in his private apartments in The Vatican and cleanses himself with toilet paper made from the Dead Sea Scrolls. Germs, which are the devil’s trolls, accumulate on the Pontiff’s hands and can only be removed by nuns using high-pressure hoses containing holy water.

COUNCIL DUMB BELLS
Herstmonceaux Town Council has withdrawn clapper licenses for all future Jack-in-the Green festivities after a record number of complaints from bell haters. A council spokesman admitted that the amount of bell-hate in the town has taken them by surprise. The Morrismen’s Union, IRRITAT, have vowed to silently picket the town hall until this decision is reversed.

POETRY NOW
featuring three poems by the inimitable Stephanie Milqueflote

CHRISTIANITY HO
If Constantine had used his loaf
and not been such a Roman oaf
we’d all be venerating gods
of this and that
and odds and sods
Instead of which our total failure
to stick with sin and saturnalia
and all the other worthwhile things
(like blokes who float on feet with wings)
has saddled us with Mono-God
who whacks us with His steely rod
and works in His mysterious ways
to make this mortal mayonnaise.

MOBILE HOMEOPATHY
“Yin Yang, Yin Yang”
The poor Covid victim sang
“Why give me pills
and doctor bills,
when mumbo jumbo
cures my ills?”

ON THE STUMP
I was having a chat with a neighbour
who was thinking of voting for labour.
He was reading The Sun
when Atilla the Hun
came and cut off his nuts
with a sabre.

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

https://vimeo.com/user129836501https://vimeo.com/user129836501

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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