SAUSAGE Life 319

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that’s as welcome as a wasp in neurosurgery

READER: What are you listening to these days? I’m in audio heaven, I just bought a 20-CD boxed set of 80s & 90s classics.

MYSELF: 80s & 90s? Classics? Are you sure there’s no rubbish hidden in there?

READER: Are you suggesting that there is any self-respecting record company who would try to sell you a bundle of musical duds concealed inside a thin veneer of pure pop gold?

MYSELF: Perish the thought. I’m just happy for all those aforementioned musical duds, who will be delighted to learn that yesterday’s dross has acquired the heady, rose-tinted glow of nostalgia, albeit without attracting the dripping diamond-encrusted wealth of Elton John or Def Lepperd.

READER: Mark my words, in 20 years’ time window cleaners and taxi drivers will be going about their business whistling the tunes of Metallica.

MYSELF: Which, let’s face it, sound much the same as Cole Porter’s.

READER: Exactly. And with better lyrics.

SELFIE INFLICTED HARM
It has been widely reported recently that more people have been killed whilst taking selfies than having been attacked by sharks. A Sausage Life survey of over nine people has revealed numerous other activities which have been overtaken by selfies as a cause of death, yet were totally ignored by the deep state half-man/half-lizard mainstream media.
FACT: more people have popped their clogs due to auto-photographic narcissism than doing the following:
Shaking hands with a leper
2. Eating poisonous soup on a cruise ship
3. Being trampled by a pantomime horse
4. Toasting marshmallows over molten steel
5. Wearing tartan socks with brogues

TRANSFER NEWS
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC have shattered their transfer fee record by signing Italian-born prodigy Giorgio Asciugacapelli from league rivals Peasemarsh Antelope FC, for a reputed £350. The 17-year-old striker is said to have been offered an unprecedented six-month zero hours contract involving a salary “well in excess of the minimum wage”, a rumour that caretaker manager Nobby Balaclava, the club’s former midfield enforcer, was keen to quell. “Let’s just set the record straight,” he told our reporter, “Despite his 6’ 7” frame, his police record for unprovoked violence and his predilection for class ‘A’ drugs, Giorgio is still a vulnerable teenager. As his in loco parentis custodians, it is our duty to keep him on the straight and narrow, or at the very least the narrow. Showering young players with ridiculous amounts of money at such a tender age is not what this great football club is about. He will be required to turn up at the Warrior Gate training ground every Tuesday morning with the rest of the squad, and we have arranged for him to share a room at the club’s secure accommodation (Mrs McGurk’s Air B‘nB and Nail Bar), with Toto Yamamoto, one of the other foreign lads.”

YOUR STARS
Compiled by astrological spiritualist duo Medium & Large
Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Your sun sign of Mercury is deteriorating, due to the pressure being put on it by the overbearing house of Aquarius. Currently under the thumb of Mars, Aries, your rising sign, is sulking, and will do anything just to get attention.
Sagittarius (24 November-21 December) Sagittarians as a rule are stupid, and will believe anything. Let’s face it, if brains were legs, you wouldn’t have to bend over to tie your shoelaces.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Take that smirk off your face you smug twerp, your flies are undone.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February) They say an ill wind blows nobody any good, but with Pluto in the forecourt and Uranus suspended, don’t count on it. Remember, German is a difficult language and not to be trifled with.
Pisces (20 February-20 March) It’s all about footwear at this time of year, so take full advantage of Jupiter’s domineering shyness. Brogues, sandals and tennis shoes could play a significant role where romance is concerned, unless you are Scandinavian, or in the grocery business.
Aries (21 March-20 April) Aren’t you suspicious of sausages? What do you think goes into them? With Pisces is just around the corner, resist the urge to join the armed forces, particularly the navy. An aunt sends you a postal order, for £25 which you spend on sausages.
Taurus (21 April-21 May) Everybody loves a matador, but not in your case. Let’s face it; your wardrobe is a mess. Pink spandex tights and a fluffy purple cardigan are no match for a huge angry bull
Gemini (22 May-21 June) Bad news for Gems as June falls on a Friday. If you must dabble in the occult, remember to wash your hands afterwards. A tall Belgian monk laughs at your bicycle.
Cancer (22 June 23 July) The colour green turns out to be not what you expected. A so-called friend arrives unexpectedly with some snorkelling equipment. Take my advice and decline his invitation, as it has nothing to do with diving in the conventional sense.
Leo (24 July-23 August). The bad tempered nature of Leos is well documented, and will be exacerbated this month by the full moon’s unrelenting sarcasm. Stay calm, take a deep breath, count to ten and stop masturbating.
Virgo (24 August-23 September) Career matters seem less important as a recent court summons for income tax fraud rears its ugly head. A not guilty plea is inadvisable, as 475 exercise bicycles are clearly not for personal use.
Libra (24 September-23 October) Your formidable strength of character will be called upon this month, as a tempting offer from a Swiss bicycle lamp manufacturer appears to be the solution to all your problems.

POUNDALL ROCKET FAILS
Sir Timothy Oilspill, founder and chairman of Poundall’s Bargain £1 Warehouse who has declared that he will land a manned rocket on Jupiter, has had a setback. His Poundexrocket, stocked with melamine shelving and inflatable furniture was set to reach the solar system’s largest planet by 2075, where its highly trained crew were to set up a factory producing plastic coat hangers and sharkproof swimwear. His hopes were dashed however, when news of the planet’s gaseous composition reached him at his Norfolk mansion. “This has been an enormous setback” he told us, “Kim O’Sabby, who runs our building firm Wyatt & Earp has told me he is unable to guarantee the stability of warehouse foundations laid on a mixture of hydrogen and helium, and that furthermore Hoot Gibson, their head of construction will be aged 132 by the time they land, which despite the forgiving gravity may yet prove to be a huge stumbling block.”

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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CAUTION
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