SAUSAGE Life 329

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which knows exactly what 9% apr representative means but refuses to tell you

READER: Are you ready for the women’s rugby?

MYSELF: Will there be a four-minute warning? Do we have time to get into a shelter?

READER: OMG! You’re utterly shameless! What’s wrong with women playing rugby?

MYSELF: Look, I don’t even like men’s rugby. All those puerile songs about lady’s parts make me want to vomit, rather like the players do after one of their overbearing binge-drinking competitions.

READER: That is a narrow, and if you don’t mind my mentioning it, misogynistic view of a very sophisticated game. There’s much more to rugby football than that.

MYSELF: No, I don’t mind you mentioning it, just stop calling it football

MERGER MOST FOUL
It was reported in the financial pages of The Fortean Times yesterday that The Knights Templars, The Illuminati, and The Sons of the Elders of Zion are to be the subjects of an aggressive takeover bid by Lizard Empires, the misinformation company run by the track-suited guru of gullibility David Icke. In a recent interview with Bonkers magazine, Mr Icke suggested that it was about time all the bat-crazy notions of the world’s leading proponents of horseshit were brought together in one big conspiracy theory.
“The wide availability of so many differing theories such as 9/11, 5G, pizzagate, chemtrails, and QAnon, is sowing the wrong sort of confusion in the minds of the general population.” he told us from Lizard Empire’s UK headquarters in East Grinstead “In my opinion, the public would be better served by one enormous all-encompassing nose-bag of Merde de Cheval.”
UNFAIR PLAY
A spokesman for The Monopolies Commission however, had this to say:
“Existing legislation is quite clear, The dissemination of horseshit should be treated with the same consideration for proper competition as any other business, no pun intended. It is our view that this merger would simply narrow the public’s choice when it comes to deciding which particular pot pourri of half-witted balderdash they wish to swallow.”
This morning a well-behaved gaggle of around twenty anti-vaxxers and 5G phone mast conspirators added their high-pitched voices to the debate by converging on Parliament Square and marching up and down with banners proclaiming: POLIO, MEASLES AND DIPTHERIA ARE A HOAX and WAKE UP SHEEPLES! THE DEVIL MASTS OF DOOM ARE COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN!

FOOTBALL LATEST
It’s official! Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s new sponsors will be online gambling behemoth Betmug. The 2025/26 season will see the front of the Warriors’ shirts displaying Betmug’s logo, a masked pickpocket in a hooped jersey stealing a wallet. Betmug’s managing director Viscount Doppleganger II of Herstmoneux has announced that henceforth, Warriors fans will be able to enjoy Betmug Bingo during half time. Plans are also in place to extend the interval by 40 minutes in order to accommodate exciting new entertainments such as Ladies Topless Darts and Professional Moose Wrestling.

TALKING BALLS
With the influx of overseas footballers into the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South), it’s becoming increasingly difficult for the media to communicate with them. Local inventor professor Gordon Thinktank has come up with a brilliant idea; an AI-powered headset which can be worn by players at post-match interviews which automatically replaces every embarrassed pause with key words or phrases such as obviously, hopefully, all day long, as I say, as the manager says, we done good, we set our stall out, it’s been a steep learning curve etc.
The inventor told us that he is also developing a helmet especially for foreign coaches like Hastings & St Leonards Warriors’ new Serbian manager Glaxo Zmiticov, which will utter gems such as:
Football is like algebra, where x is the ball, y is the ref, and the unknown quantity is the score
or: The players gave their hearts for me out there, and in some cases their livers. Even though we have been knocked out this round we could still win.and: Football’s a funny old game and I’m certainly going to miss it when I’m sacked.

MUSIC: UPPER DICKER INTERNATIONAL TRIANGLE COMPETITION
Now in its third year, the three-day event at the magnificent Upper Dicker Coliseum, hosted by Irish poet Finnigan Swake was once again sponsored by JT Pearson & Co, revered manufacturers of fine triangles since 1888. The event always attracts a huge audience of triangle fans as well as competitors from all corners of the globe and this year was no exception. The qualifying round was an exciting example of what this competition means to the town, as two giants of the triangle world clashed in what has been dubbed The Tinklathon. First up was Upper Dicker’s own Mimsie Borogrove, who wowed the audience with a controversial arrangement of Eric Saté’s Fanfare For A Hat Run Over By A Steamroller, the climax of which involved three naval cannons, a herd of dairy cows and a 400 gallon drum containing industrial bleach.
Not to be outdone, North Korea’s child triangle prodigy Wan Ping, countered with a complex and dense rendering of Calamari’s three-triangle opus Tre Lati Sono Meglio Di Uno, in which she demonstrated the difficult technique known as forte ma non penetrante. The audience, at first stunned into silence, burst into wild applause when 500 members of the Korean Secret Police Motorcycle Formation Team, all playing tiny soprano triangles, roared on to the Coliseum stage to reprise the deceptively plaintive D minor largo with a triumphant demonstration of dramatically percussive intensity.

COMING SOON
For three weeks from September 3^rd, the Upper Dicker Coliseum, will host Robinson Caruso, the new opera by Andrew Lloyd-Webber with lyrics by Russell Brand, starring Philip Schofield as Friday and reality TV’s Emphysema Ratatouille as Bimbo, the cannibal goddess of love. From October 4^th, West End illusionist Kevin Mesmer (a song, a dance, a little piece of wood with a hole in it) and his disappearing dog Fido will begin a three-month run up to the panto season.

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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