SAUSAGE Life 335

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which believes that JR Oppenheimer and McDonalds should be equally ashamed of themselves

READER: I see Trump is threatening to sue the BBC for telling lies

MYSELF: Yes, rather like Hitler suing Belgium for being invaded.

READER: Let’s face it, he’s been waiting for an opportunity like this since January 6th 2021. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

MYSELF: Be that as it may, but many people forget about warm revenge. If you’re having a barbecue in November, or if you’ve just been rescued after falling through thin ice on a frozen lake, a bowl of warm revenge, perhaps with a glass of mulled Schadenfreude and an inedible Scottish biscuit, is just the ticket for restoring the circulation and bringing a warm glow to the cheeks.

READER: Of course, thank you for reminding us.

RIVAL PIER PROPOSAL CAUSES STIR
Medved Oligarki, a billionaire businessman with “no connection to the Russian Mafia”, has submitted plans for the construction of a brand new second pier in Hastings which, he says, will “knock the other one into a cocked hat”. Over 14 kilometres in length and 1,000 metres wide, the ambitious structure will house, according to Oligarki’s blueprint, a helicopter pad, a runway for private jets, 500 luxury log cabins featuring sauna facilities, hairdressers, nail bars, vape shops, nouvelle cuisine junk food, responsible gambling facilities for all the family and a self-service coin-operated money laundrette. “This is going to be the mother of all piers,” he told us, “and I wouldn’t be surprised if it won an award”.
However a council spokesperson warned “A pier of this length is highly likely to interfere with shipping in the English Channel. Mr. Oligarki may be a respected member of the domiciled kleptocracy, but this does not exempt him from UK planning regulations.” adding, “We accept that proposals for a cyber-zoo containing 2,000 life-sized radio-controlled animals, including crocodiles, pterodactyls and herd of elephants programmed to stampede on the hour, will be a huge visitor attraction, but would point out that it may raise a significant number of health and safety issues”.

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SOCCER SETBACK: THE CAMELS ARE NOT COMING
The popular new owner of Hastings & St. Leonards Warriors FC, who claimed to be Abdullah Muhammad Shah Habibullah, an obscenely wealthy member of the Saudi Royal family, has been revealed as a fraud. It turns out he is not an oil-rich Arab sheik, but Podraig Ballycuddy, an Irish chef, whose previous job was flipping burgers at the Upper Dicker branch of Calories R Us.
Warrior’s captain and midfield enforcer Nobby Balaclava told us, “This is a bitter disappointment, particularly in view of our relegation to the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South) last season. The lads are inconsolable, particularly as we had all ordered 4-wheel drive SUVs and got measured up for Armani suits in anticipation of £250,000 a week salaries and boot sponsorships.”
“It now looks as though the promised Olympic-sized stadium along with the luxury yacht marina, jumbo jet runway and the new away strip is not going to materialise,” he added.” As we went to press, Mr. Ballycuddy’s telephone number appeared to be unavailable. His caravan, parked in a layby on the outskirts of Herstmonceaux, was deserted when our reporter called. The FA have cancelled the purchase and given the club 30 days to find a new owner.

POLICEFUL DEMONSTRATION
Upper Dicker’s latest dressing up and getting drunk event took place last week. Like Pirate Day, Constable Day now in its third year, has captured the Sussex resort’s imagination. This year’s event was a resounding success, and saw the town shatter the UK record for the total number of people assembled in one place dressed as PCs WPCs, or non-binary police officers. On a blistering August morning, the town quickly filled up with ‘officers of the law’, and by noon, the previous record-holders’ total of 8,710 (Taunton, 2023), was easily overtaken. Even after the judges disqualified 54 ineligible plain-clothes detectives and a confused couple from Suffolk who arrived wearing artists’ smocks and carrying easels and paint brushes, Constable Day 2025’s turnout easily outshone that of their west country rivals. Upper Dicker’s Lord Mayor Derek Windfarm praised the effort, saying: “The townspeople, as always, got into the spirit of things 110 %, which is coincidentally also the figure chief of police Hydra Gorgon has given me for the regrettable spike in petty crime which occurred that day as hundreds of intoxicated ‘policemen’ emptied the shelves of clothing stores and off-licences, leaving a trail of confused shopkeepers across the town.”

DICTIONARY CORNER
PCWorld (n) Parallel universe featured in the graphic novels of Ruud van Smoot where no-one understands how computers work.

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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