They talk about tigers living in jungles
but tigers don’t live in jungles. They
live on housing estates in poor areas
and take their terror to the masses.
Gordon was a goalhanger. The tiger
pulled his shorts down and changed
his nappy in the penalty area. I didn’t
know centre-forwards wore nappies.
Then the tiger placed his open jaws right
over Gordon’s head. Swallowed his skull.
They looked like conjoins at the shoulders.
Gordon’s team wore tiger skin shirts to
enhance the illusion.
Gordon decided he didn’t want to be a
goalhanger no more. Tried being a postman
but the tiger ate him for breakfast.
He thought about politics or going swimming
with sharks. Perhaps they were the same thing?
So he tried taxi driving instead. There the tiger
would try to paw him from the back seat and
tell him not to even dream of driving the long
way round. As if Gordon would! Once the tiger
even pulled his jumper down and exposed a breast
where Gordon could see it in his rear view mirror.
Gordon zoned out. In the end, the tiger was
reduced to telling Gordon to turn left at the next
intersection and not giving him the change out
of twenty as a tip.
Gordon decided maybe this was the best life
he could wish for.
.
Gary Boswell
.