SAUSAGE Life 337

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which believes that love is like a Christmas cracker; a disappointing bang followed by a patronising motto, a paper hat and a small worthless novelty.

READER: You have the charming knack of being cynical and unromantic at the same time.

MYSELF: Thank you for pointing that out. It isn’t only women who can multitask. Only yesterday I managed to extinguish a chip pan fire whilst simultaneously unjamming a seagull from the kitchen chimney with a spatula.

READER: Don’t mention it. By the way, are you going to the premier of the new John Lewis Christmas ad at the Leicester Square Odeon?

MYSELF: No I am not, and furthermore, rather than scar my retinas with that sort of cynical money-grubbing tosh I would prefer instead to saw my own head off with a bread knife.

READER: Oh here we go, your so elitist. I mean, have you no seasonal sentiment in you at all?

MYSELF: Elitist? Moi? On the contrary, I am the very essence of the true Christian spirit as invented by Charles Dickens. I just have to see a turkey to go into a frenzied fantasy of throat-slitting, feather-plucking, sugar-bingeing and drinking until I am unconscious.

READER: Ha! You claim to be a vegetarian, but I know you eat fish.

MYSELF: Only if they have been clubbed to death by Eskimos. By the way, I’ve just been handed a leaked shooting script for The John Lewis ad, and despite being threatened with libel, I have decided to reproduce it here in full.

THE FIFTY SHADES OF CHRISTMAS
Directed by Medved Oligarki.
Music by Hasselblad Van der Voome and the Pink Triangle Orchestra conducted by Remy Vaselini

SCENE 1. EXTERIOR, NIGHT, SNOWING
We see a small child as she drags a stuffed badger along a snow covered street. She flips the finger at a policeman cycling past on his way to an armed robbery. As she stops to look into a John Lewis shop window, we see that inside there is a sinister clockwork mannequin dressed up as Father Christmas. The terrifying figure swivels its evil head, eyes glowing like hot coals beneath thick white brows.

POV: INSIDE THE SHOP WINDOW
We see the child gazing longingly in. We pan round to reveal that the object of her desire is an aquarium containing snapping baby alligators with rows of sharp pointed teeth.

READER: Woah! Stop! Spoiler alert! This is going to ruin everything for John Lewis Christmas Ad fans!

MYSELF: I don’t care. If you ask me they deserve it.
(cont’d)….

SCENE 2: INTERIOR. NIGHT. A WARM COSY LIVING ROOM WITH A HUGE BLAZING LOG FIRE AND A CHRISTMAS TREE LADEN WITH PRESENTS.

Enormous piles of glitter-wrapped luxury chocolates cover every surface. A small group of carol singers have been invited in and as they warm themselves by the fire, they are served with mince pies and brandies laced with Rohypnol by a couple wearing rubber corsets.
We hear Gloria in Excelsis as though played on a toy xylophone. It is the front doorbell. Over a swelling orchestral version of Slade’s Merry Xmas Everybody the man opens the door. It is their daughter, the little girl with the stuffed badger.
In a short flashback we see her smash the John Lewis shop window, steal a handful of baby alligators and cram them into her coat pocket. She flips the finger at the Santa Mannequin and scuttles off.
DIZZOLVE TO PRESENT
In the house, the atmosphere is thick with innuendo and as the party descends into a frenzied orgy, we see the child sneaking into the spa room, where she slips the baby alligators into the hot tub.

CLOSE UP:
The child turns and gives a Churchill salute to camera. The John Lewis logo appears as we cut to the living room filled with out-of-focus, squirming figures. Fade.

CHRISTMAS HANGOVER CURE
Mayonnaise. Yes, you heard it right. Not many people are aware that mayonnaise is extracted from the spleen of a Norwegian Wild Boar and is not made from raw egg and mustard as is commonly believed. The hard drinking Norwegians can’t get enough of it, as it is widely recognized in Norway as a sure-fire hangover cure. “First the Wild Boar must be lured into a cave with flattering songs.” a spokesperson from the Norwegian Embassy told us, “And once the mayonnaise has been extracted, it is vital that the boar must look surprised, otherwise the cure will be ineffective. If he appears nonchalant or displays an air of mild disapproval, the hangover will get worse. In these circumstances the only recourse is to climb into the lower branches of a tree and sip a glass of our famous national drink, Haakenhuurr, which is made from well-rotted fish scales and baby vomit.”

DICTIONARY CORNER
Lip Synch (n) small ceramic container for washing the lips.
Platitude (n) over-confidence induced by wearing pigtails.
Timbr (n) dating app for lumberjacks

CLARINET BLESSING
Anglican Archbishop Paul Clerihew will be blessing clarinets at Upper Dicker’s Church of the Dyslexic Martyr this Thursday from 2pm as part of the East Sussex Annual Festival of Clarinets. He will be joined by Russell Brand who will read passages from his latest bookywook I’m a Celebrity, Please Don’t Send me to Prison (Tossa & Windbag £15.99)

Advertising feature
In a Christmas drive to encourage concreting, World of Cement is currently offering three bags of their own-brand quick drying cement for the price of two. Head of sales at the Upper Dicker branch Matt Quicklime told us: “It is vital in these austere times, what with stratospheric property prices and the rising cost of divorce, to encourage concreting in all its myriad forms. Most people do not realise just how versatile cement can be. For example, three 20kg bags of cement is enough to conceal several dead relatives under a patio. When mixed 3:1 with lentils and porridge oats it can feed an average family for a month.” World of Cement is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so why not pop down to our Upper Dicker Retail Park outlet, where highly trained staff will be happy to assist with all your concreting queries.

TO THE MANOR PORN
Tit Bingo, former Fur Cough guitarist turned porn magnate has announced that his studio, 21^st Century Cocks, is in pre-production for their latest low budget feature, Lawrence Of A Labia. The film will star Hugh Jarce as archeologist and dogging enthusiast T.E.Lawrence, with rising starlet Thrush Bigly making her debut as the bellydancing double agent Tittan Carmen. The movie will be shot on location next Tuesday afternoon at a secluded layby near Cockmarlin.

POETRY NOW
This week’s opus is by Angus Malaprop, head trouser restorer at the Museum of Pants in Ashford. He is a keen cellist except on Thursdays, when he is an enthusiastic pigeon fancier.

THE HADDOCK
by Angus Malaprop
The Haddock’s head is
large and blunt
and situated at the front
A fin on top and on the tum
maintains the equilibrium

The Haddock’s life
is short and sweet
And terminated by the fleet
who scoop him out and sell him on
to give us indigestion

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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