SAUSAGE 347

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that believes, like Russell Brand, that the blossoming hyper-reality of the current paradigm will lead inevitably to the free-flowing perception of God as an eternally dangling time-plum

READER: Doh…!
MYSELF: Why the long face?
READER: I’m not happy with Labour wanting to do a U-turn on Brexit.
MYSELF: But surely you’ve seen the light haven’t you? Massive delays at passport control? Queuing to have your fingerprints read?
READER: I’ve no idea what you mean. The reason I voted to leave the EU was to bring back proper British kippers like we used to have.
MYSELF: Kippers, yes of course.
READER: British kippers mind you, from Craster in Northumberland, not these sissy French ones with olive oil and garlic and God knows what else.
MYSELF: Exactly. Filthy foreign muck.
READER: And lest we forget, bendy euro-bananas with slippery skins hurled by sinister pursuing clowns.
MYSELF: Clowns?
READER: Yes clowns. Real clowns, not your effeminate chalk-faced French clowns with normal sized feet pretending to escape from glass cases. I’m talking about proper clowns with red eyes and scary teeth who drive cars that fall to bits and eat goldfish.
MYSELF: I stoop to concur.

YOU’RE FINE, HOW AM I?
Psychic Doris, Upper Dicker’s top mystic, has announced a steep price rise. From next Friday you can chat to her about the hereafter online live for £7.50 per minute, or dead for £11.75 per minute (+VAT).
“We apologise for the increase”, her agent Ron Hoax told us, “it’s all down to the reduced supply of ectoplasm following the closure of the Straits of Homuz, which let’s face it none of us saw coming”.

JACKSON’S NOSE THREATENS JAPS
Michael Jackson’s nose, which is thought to have been stolen during the the late entertainer’s autopsy, is reported to have mutated into a colossal Barry Manilow-style schnozz and is terrorising the north coast of Japan. Hovering at 3,000 feet, the surgically enhanced proboscis has completely destroyed Tokyo’s famous Rainbow Bridge with exploding missiles fired from its huge nostrils.
Dr. Roto Noto-Moto of the Japanese Institute of Monsters told us, “The monster nose is thought to have grown to unimaginably gigantic proportions after it was left near a hive containing radioactive bees, which stung the it repeatedly. The army, navy and air force have surrounded the area but have so far been confounded by the nose’s uncanny ability to travel backwards whilst appearing to move forwards”.

SWEAT CHARITY
I received a letter the other day from a friend who is up in the peak district, “training” for a sponsored mountain-climb. She is raising money for the laudable charity Guard Dogs for The Rich by climbing the north face of the Matterhorn. Fair enough, but really, must one go on about it? I mean come on dear; it’s only a huge mountain! When I was a lad (up north, naturally), we would conquer a difficult peak every morning before going to school for our daily thrashing (which never did us any harm by the way). Mountain-climbing preparations were very simple in those days, consisting of five basic things: – Thick, salty porridge, plenty of sausage sandwiches, a good thick vest, a jar of Vick’s Vapour Rub and a thorough grounding in mathematics. Mountaineers these days? They don’t know they’re born. It’s all Hoover and no attachments if you ask me. Not satisfied with crowing about the climb, she also tells me she has put her name forward for The Great British Bake-Off. I wanted to tell her it was a ridiculous idea what with her feet, but I fear that will only encourage her.

IN THE COURTS
The jury at Herstmonceaux Crown Court heard prosecuting counsel Sir Hugh Salamander-Burke KC accuse Terence Palindrome (39) of West Beyondenden of assaulting Police Constable Reginald Gornmad with an umbrella containing an improvised explosive device outside Boots the Chemist in Upper Dicker Town Centre in August 2025.
In his statement, Mr Palindrome told police “I was minding my own business trying the doors of parked cars, when I saw the constable approach me as if to make an arrest. As I waved the umbrella I was carrying in front of his face to discourage him, he produced a copy of The Ladybird Pocket Policeman’s Almanac and read out the following:
I must warn you that you have the right to remain silent but anything you do say will be taken down and rearranged as a plea of guilty to whatever we charge you with after you have accidentally fallen down the station steps. I took this to be an accusation of criminal intent, which I deny and which I swear I never done”
Mr Salamander-Burke went on to rebuff Mr Palindrome’s claim that the umbrella’s safety catch had been inadvertently left off after a recent shower and that “in the ensuing fracas, it went off, hurling PC Gornmad into a nearby hedge”, a claim which he described as “pure unadulterated bollocks, if M’Lord will pardon the colloquialism”.

Dame Phyllis Paparazzi, senior partner at Chilblayne Secateur & Paradiddle then spoke for the defendant:
“My client, a citizen of high repute and a loyal member of The West Beyondenden Lodge of The Sacred Order of Water Buffalos, refutes all charges. Mr Palindrome was under heavy medication at the time and had been celebrating Chinese New Year with a brother-in-law all day, consuming approximately 24 large whiskeys and eighteen pints of strong Belgian lager, as well as an assortment of bar canapés. Furthermore PC Gornmad was wearing Hush Puppies, which according to the Police Code of Conduct (section 9 paragraph iv) are an unauthorised form of constabulary footwear. Under these circumstances, in addition to a plea of not guilty, we will enter a claim for full powder costs with puisne in accordance with section five of the steam locomotives act of 1847”.
The jury, who were not swayed by Ms Paparazzi’s evidence, came out in favour of the prosecution. Palindrome, who despite being caught in flagrante with the exploding umbrella, then surprised his brief by changing his plea to involuntary manslaughter with aggravated aforethought. Judge Hyphen-Hyphen presiding ruled in favour of PC Gornmad, granting sub judice anno mortice plebium, and awarding wig boundaries on all torts, including tortfeasements, malfeasers with montecarlo ad hoc moribundum.
Dame Phyllis immediately launched an appeal, and lodged it with the clerk of the court’s assistant court clerk, to be heard next Thursday. The case continues.

MYSELF: Had I been in his shoes, the correct ones of course, I would have immediately applied plebium compass, with ad hoc prostate or nul tempus melmelmahay.
READER: Would that I posessed your all-encompassing wisdom.
MYSELF: Quelle Fromage.

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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