Automatic Detention Generator

Words: Mark Goodwin & ‘The Head of Behaviour’ of a certain English comprehensive school.
Vocals: Ivona Text-to-Speech Gynoid, Amy
Production: Mark Goodwin
Image: Mark Goodwin



Dear Mr & Mrs Citizen,

I regret to inform you that your son Amos has contravened protocol.

Contravening protocol causes a detention to be automatically generated.

Please be aware:

This is a Clause 5 Scenario. A Clause 5 Scenario results in the giving of a Serious Consequence. 

WARNING: This can escalate to LEVEL 6.

To be clear: A Serious Consequence results in a Clause 5, a Clause 5 results in a Serious Consequence, which results in a Clause 5 which results in a Serious Consequence … and so on, ad infinitum. This cycle, has been code-named Vicious Circle Vector 6; and as I’m sure you will appreciate, it needs nipping in the bud.

The following report was initiated automatically by Vendetta 10 (as part of normal LEVEL 5 procedures):

Due to your son’s failure to comply to replicant programming demands it is my painful duty to inform you that he will be ‘marked’ for the rest of his biological life.

At precisely 1416 hours and twelve seconds last Friday (13th June 2013), your son’s ‘failure-behaviour’, amplified by his continued steady gaze into the eyes of his punisher, automatically triggered The School’s global detention tractor. Your son’s injuries are minor, and besides they were only caused by his struggling against the tractor beam, rather than relaxing in the way he was trained in PE.

Please also find enclosed a bill for damages: As Amos was dragged down H9 corridor to Detention Zone he pulled off four door frames. You will also be billed for the repair carried out on Amos’s fingernails and phalanges, and also for some very minor work to his left orbit.

I would like to take this opportunity to respectfully remind you that Cloneshinton School is equipped with My-Crow-Soft ‘Flock’, the safest and most humane automatic detention system in the world … Amos has only himself (and perhaps his parents … ?) to blame for his injuries.

If you would like to discuss this matter further then please do not hesitate to contact me. I have attained Level 4 of my ‘All Ears’ training programme.


Yours sincerely, Ms Nitrate (Head of Conditioning).



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