Countdown to the Nineteen-Hour Assasination of David Cameron



On the 19th hour…
David Cameron sells off what’s left of the BBC to a scrap-dealer in Oildrum Lane
who melts it down & recasts it into a million miniature commemorative figurines
of Margaret Thatcher with a Hitler moustache

On the 18th hour…
David Cameron dissolves Parliament &
compels all MP’s to re-stand through ‘X-Factor’

On the 17th hour…
David Cameron deletes the word ‘Socialism’ from Dictionaries and Wikipedia.
The Labour Party protest they already did this during their last period in government

On the 16th hour…
David Cameron censors books, TV & MP3’s by banning
the ‘F’-word (fairness) & the ‘C’-word (compassion)

On the 15th hour…
David Cameron combines the Conservative Party Conference with the Glastonbury Festival where 64 moderate MP’s are found dead on portaloos. Cameron claims there’s no conspiracy. Morrissey says 64 MP’s is not enough & nothing compared to the atrocity committed
in abattoirs every day. He becomes a national hero

On the 14th hour…
David Cameron bans burkas as an affront to women,
bans low-slung pants that show the arse-crack as an affront to decency,
bans tattoos and facial piercing as an affront to taste,
bans hoodies as an affront to law & order,
& bans JLS as an affront to music

On the 13th hour…
David Cameron rests,
looks at all he’s done & pronounces it good

On the 12th hour…
David Cameron introduces the public flogging of welfare scroungers
televised live during the Lottery-show,
& available for catch-up viewing on YouTube

On the 11th hour…
David Cameron legalises fox-hunting,
also the hunting with hounds of the undeserving poor,
single teenage Mums & asylum-seekers

On the 10th hour…
David Cameron withdraws Britain from the EU
& declares it the 53rd State of the USA

On the 9th hour…
David Cameron releases all schools from local & national government control,
while making it compulsory to teach ‘Intelligent Design’, ‘Creationism’,
the myth of Global Warming, & sexual abstinence before (during & after) marriage

On the 8th hour…
David Cameron appoints Simon Cowell Minister of Culture,
Spongebob Squarepants as First Sea Lord, Tony Blair as Archbishop of Canterbury,
Peter Sutcliffe as Minister for Population Control, Wayne Rooney as Education Minister
& puts Nick Griffin in charge of social diversity and community cohesion

On the 7th hour…
David Cameron re-launches royalty as a pre-bookable option,
terms include a 20-minute coronation, trooping the colour,
changing of the guard, & waving from the balcony.
All major credit cards accepted.
The Windsors (nee Saxe-Coburgs) seek asylum in Saudi Arabia.
The first 18-years of monarchy are immediately block-booked
by Japanese, Russian, Iranian, Texan & Indian interests

On the 6th hour…
David Cameron replaces Pounds Sterling with KFC,
Macdonald & Starbucks tokens, then makes the Bank of England
a wholly-owned subsidiary of Disney Corp

On the 5th hour…
David Cameron declares he’s saved the NHS
by transferring all UK Passport-holder medical needs
to the voluntary sector so releasing hospitals to fee-paying foreign clients

On the 4th hour…
during Question Time, David Cameron rams his arm up Vince Cable’s ass,
raises him into the air, &, brandishing him like a grotesque trophy,
screams ‘it’s a puppet, it’s a puppet’

On the 3rd hour…
David Cameron legalises gay marriage
& marries Nick Clegg in a final desperate attempt
to hold the coalition together

On the 2nd hour…
David Cameron sells what’s left of Britain to foreign oligarchs
& conglomerates on a buy-one-get-one-free basis

On the final hour…
with no hope, & nothing left to lose


Andrew Darlington



By Andrew Darlington

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One Response to Countdown to the Nineteen-Hour Assasination of David Cameron

    1. Very good. I like that. A lot.

      Comment by Ethan Harrison on 5 December, 2014 at 2:04 pm

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