How to Use an Umbrella, Donald

This is the dome that protects the dome, Donald. Taupe fabric, it is good with the real and the fake, which some call a toupee. Symmetry, Donald. 300 Denier polyester fabric: this a manmade product too, like that which keeps the golden waves in situ. These are not, by the way, gentlemen’s umbrellas. These are big fuckers, for big fuckers.

Frame

We could talk about parasol frames, Donald, but that would be opening up the metaphor too far. Some people can only embrace the figurative in small snippets. Like rain. China manufactures many frames – just think about that, Donald. Search for nickel, brass, fibreglass or tempered spring steel. Russia is an important source of nickel – you may have good contacts there. If we had a nickel for every lie told…

Rivets

Nickel plated steel miniature micro mushroom head umbrella rivets – did you notice the tautology in that description, Donald? Whatever. You will have noticed the potential to strike a deal on ordering. The rivet, by the way, is used where the ribs connect and bend, like breathing and life and holding all that is precious together. If you discard an umbrella at the top of a flight of stairs, it will hold with good rivets. We are only as strong as what we hold on to together, Donald.

Shaft

Imagine the fun satirists could have with this word: as a verb – that is an action word, Donald. You will have had plenty of experience, they will joke acerbically, and there will be dirty, filthy, barbaric allusions and innuendos. People can be so mean sometimes. Some people all of the time. It is the nature of shafting. A good umbrella can drape and conceal much of the shaft, but it is always there.

Stick: Solid, Fit-up, Tube

The Solid is usually made of wood [beware the innuendo-mongers again, Donald] and this is traditional and can be elegant and may contribute to climate change so there are some competing realities in there for you to consider. The Fit-up makes one think of subterfuge and obfuscation and investigation and stitch-up, but this is just a two-part wooden stick and so do not let the wordsmiths twist things with their deep and seductive language- even if honest. They are poets, and when they open like an umbrella, so much about truth can be unleashed and protected by its honesty. The Tube is made of steel. Rust belt steel? It is easy to paint an illusion of purpose.

Mike Ferguson