SAUSAGE 263

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which, when the light hits it in a certain way, looks a bit like Johnny Depp

READER: What did you make of the Boris Johnson grilling by the parliamentary special committee?
MYSELF: I’m not at liberty to say. I was in Lourdes at the time judging a miracle contest.
READER: I heard about that. Did the blind boy who can walk on water win in the end?
MYSELF: Yes, predictably. Personally I much preferred the woman who bled milk out of her eyelids and cured tonsillitis

PLEASE EAR MY PLEA
The race towards total imbecility is apparently unstoppable. Words which were once perfectly serviceable as nouns are now routinely mauled into verbs, (and vice versa) by people with no discernable grammatical sense whatever. You know who I’m talking about – actors, broadcasters, politicians, tragic wannabe reality stars and semi-vegetative talent-show judges, all role models for the unfortunate young. I pity our poor children, condemned to tread this linguistic minefield of gobshitery, who will grow up ‘birthing’, ‘transitioning’ and God forbid, ‘decisioning’, as their beautiful language crashes to the ground and bursts into flames. I have sent a copy of this poem to all secondary schools in the vain hope we can stem the tide before it’s too late.

To Be or Not To Be, That is the Ask

When I cut with my scalpel
I make an incision
When I make up my mind I’ll have made a decision
When I’m being precise
Then I speak with precision
So do me a favour and please don’t transition.

READER: Lol!
MYSELF: What are you laughtering at?
READER: I was just thoughting……
MYSELF: Well obstruction it.

BOOK REVIEWS
Potatoes of Bolivia 1900-1945, (Mauricio Fondo, Cabeza & Calabaza $15.99)
Holiday reading at its blockbusting best…….Fondo’s tight plotting and gritty characterization, combined with his signature surrealistic approach to geography have delivered a hard hitting neo-realistic sure-fire best-seller. The story revolves around two distant cousins, Tetera and Maceta, who, after a chance meeting with Marcello Stromboli the capo dei capo of the Andalucian Mafia in a La Paz karaoke bar, find themselves hopelessly entangled in the murky world of condemned meat. Set in a gated community of Norwegian trawlermen in Lake Titicaca, centre of Bolivia’s crime-infested potato industry, Calabaza’s often torrid prose has been favourably compared to the novels of Dame Barbara Cartland.

Boris Through the Looking Glass (Carroll Lewis, Drinkme Press, 10/6d)
In Lewis’s extraordinary new novel we are introduced to a topsy-turvy world peopled with imaginary creatures, where the voracity of facts is tested to its limits. Truth is elastic, and able to swerve in whichever direction the recipient prefers. Facts and figures waft around like confetti, and the inhabitants quibble constantly about whether things are truths, half-truths, or not true at all, based entirely on what they do or don’t know. Perfect for reading in the burns unit after you’ve overdone it on the sunbed.
WARNING: Unsuitable for children, or suitable for children, depending on who did or did not recommend it.

POETRY NOW
Patrick Carabine’s latest collection Alien Breeze is out now. Here’s a preview.

THE PC CONSPIRACY
By Patrick Carabine

In the lexical swamp of today
There are things which
we can’t do or say
Like “I feel a bit queer.”
have some fags with our beer
or cavort like a bachelor gay.

In this difficult literary era
we don’t know if we’re
Victor or Vera,
The N-word the C-word
the wedlock-free B word
are all in the ear of the hearer.

It’s the P word
The S word
The educated guess word
The vaguely more-or-less word
That gets you in a mess.

Alive words dead words
ignorantly said words
fatally unread words
all-too-quickly spread words.

Each ill-considered mutter’s
drawn directly, like the rain
through the gutter of confusion,
swallowed swiftly by the drain,
there to disappear like hieroglyphs
forever unexplained

Are we too afraid to utter,
hid behind sardonic shutters,
not your fake-phonemic margarine
but proper English Butter?

WARRIORS MANAGER CALLS IT UN GIORNO
Tributes pour in for Italian soccer supremo
Sergio ‘The Horse’ Peccadillo, footballing legend and manager of Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC for over twelve months, will announce his retirement after their final home game of the season against Cockmarlin Thunderbolts, which will, sadly, also mark the Warriors’ relegation to the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South) after only one season in the top flight.
After calls from some quarters for his removal following a litany of heavy defeats (including this season’s ignominious 8-0 exit from the first round of the Wendy’s Nail-Bar & Escort Agency Cup to arch-rivals Herstmonceaux Cannibals), the self-proclaimed Italian Stallion has finally decided to hang up his gold Rolex, Armani suit and Gucci loafers. Often mocked for his tenuous grasp of English, Sergio will nevertheless be remembered for his tactical genius. “I’ll never forget the boss’s first training session,” mused midfield enforcer Nobby Balaclava, “he gave us all a bowl of fettuccini and a glass of wine and took us out gambling. Afterwards, we all went to a pole dancing club in Cockmarlin where Welsh wizard Craig Cattermole famously got a three-match ban for simulation. True, we lost our first three games 8-0 under Sergio, but he soon settled in, and by mid-season our defeat average was down to respectable 4-0”.
As former Warriors’ goalkeeper Tim Smegma recalls: “Sergio was a breath of fresh air, particularly after the club’s previous disastrous appointments, like Spanish chorizo millionaire José Pypebahn, who’s sausage-based philosophy famously condemned the club to the lowly Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (south) for two seasons, or Gus Toylet (pronounced Toylay), who was sacked after only one game for match-fixing, money laundering and running an unlicensed escort agency.”
“Above all”, added Dutch groin-kick specialist Ruud van Smoot, “Mr. Peccadillo was a gentleman. I think this is perfectly illustrated by these inspirational words which he whispered into the ear of each and every one of the lads on match day as they filed out of the dressing room at kick-off time: “May I borrow your bicycle? My refrigerator is out of order”.

Sausage Life!

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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