Sausage 353

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that teaches it’s grammar to suck egg’s 

READER:  Nobody will get that joke.​

MYSELF:  That fact alone is very depressing. Anyway, listen to this:  
Superstitious? Unable to cope with the idea of random events or coincidence? If religion seems like an insurmountable crock of fairytail garbage, have you ever considered Astrology?

READER: Wait a minute. Is this an ad?

MYSELF: Yes, its for my new horoscope service, to be called The wonderful blandness of spiritual certainty without the messy unpredictable consequences of rational thought 

READER: That’s a bit long isn’t it?

MYSELF: Ok, how about  Gobshite for the Gullible? 

READER: That’s more like it.

COUNCIL CRACKS DOWN ON INCONVENIENCE STORES
Upper Dicker Council, now controlled be The British Gravytrain Party (BGT) under Mayor Ron Gravy have announce a major crackdown on the rash of so-called inconvenience stores rapidly spreading up all over town. One shop, constructed on top of a rickety extending step ladder was described by Mr Gravy as “an accident waiting for someone to happen to”. Pausing to tie a St George’s flag on a parking meter, he told our reporter “The BGT are determined to crack down on these shops, which are particularly dangerous for the elderly or those customers stocking up on the week’s shopping”. He added that one shop owner had already been arrested for obstruction after situating his vape shop n’ paper shop in the middle of the busy A21, claiming that he was only taking advantage of passing trade.

THE BRITISH ARMY KNIFE
Hastings boffin Professor Gordon Thinktank has come up with another exciting invention, The British Army Knife. It contains in its tiny body an attachment for getting protesters out of police horse’s hooves. an anal thermometer which also doubles as an egg timer and an umbrella.

QUID PRO QUO
An occasional column in which High Court Judge Lord Justice Hyphen-Hyphen QC (Disbarred). dispenses advice for the judicially impaired. This week, an appeal for legal clarification from Mrs. Cattlegrid-Kitsch, formally plain Mrs. Cattlegrid.

Dear Your Worship,
I am 56 years old, and recently lost my husband, Norman. He and I were browsing in a camping supplies shop on the Edgware Rd, during a visit to London. One minute we were both admiring some Belgian primus stoves, the next he had vanished and I was all alone.
A thorough search of the family-sized ridge tents (with awning and sewn-in groundsheet), proved fruitless, as did a quick survey of the two-man pup tents, which revealed nothing bar a few amorous couples and some homeless Austrians. With the shop about to close and no sign of my husband, I gave up and returned home. Imagine my surprise when 3 weeks later my husband was discovered living in a bivuac at the South Pole exhibit in the Frozen Tundra department of that very same camping supplies shop, with a woman explorer named Dierdre Privette-Hedges; apparently in the interim, having subsisted on tubes of concentrated chicken liver paté and slimline tonics.
Sadly, by this time, I had assumed my husband dead, and remarried (a wonderful gas fitter named Bert Kitsch). My question is this; what is my present legal position viz a viz my marital status?
Ivy Cattlegrid-Kitsch (Mrs), Herzmonceaux

Dear Mrs Cattlegrid-Kitsch,
First of all let me express my deepest sympathy at the loss of your dear husband Norman. This is certainly an unusual case, but not without precedent, as I discovered in my copy of Spoonbender’s Essential Precedents (every consultation saves a guinea), where I came upon the following case;
Zeighaller vs Schtoppfhaus & Zeighaller (Munich Crown Court 1947):
Housewife Frau Leni Zeighaller and her husband Klaus, of Schnappsberg, were visiting Munich for the famous Oktoberfest beer festival. During a drinking song competition, they became separated in the crowd. A distraught Frau Zeighaller searched the beer halls and Kellars for several hours, then, assuming her husband to be dead, caught the last tram back to Schnappsberg. Next day she married next door neighbour Hermann Schtoppfhaus, an unemployed orthopaedic surgeon. Incredibly, on the afternoon of the wedding, her missing husband Klaus turned up, exhausted but very much alive, on their doorstep. He explained that he had become intoxicated in the Beer Hall, and fallen unconcious into a vat of bratwurst, wherein he was discovered next morning by officials and escorted from the premises. Having also lost his wallet, he was forced to walk the 156 kilometres home.
At the subsequent hearing at Shnappsberg Assizes, notoriously fair presiding judge Justiche Baron von Oberschtummenkopf of Bavaria, after much legal deliberation, ruled that the Zeighallers were still married, but that Herr Schtopfhausen should assume custody of the Zeighaller’s pet goat, Himmel, allowing Frau Zeighaller access on alternative Thursdays. The Munich Beer Hall Company was awarded DM875 (approx. €180) to be paid from public funds, to cover the cost of the damaged sausages which, following the incident, were rendered partially unsuitable for consumption.
I sincerely hope this has been of some assistance to you and wish you well in your present unfortunate circumstances.
Lord Justice Hyphe-Hyphen KC (disbarred)

CINEMA: PILATES OF THE CARRIBEAN
Released this weekend at all major theatres: Johnny Depp stars as Mrs Blackbeard, the swashbuckling, balloon-riding housewife who terrorises shipping heading for Cuba with supplies of food and petroleum.

OBSCENE FOOTBALL CHANTS WERE VENTRILOQUISTS SAY POLICE
A thorough investigation into the foul chanting at a recent pre-season match between Upper Dicker Macaroons and Peasemarsh Antelope FC has led to over 200 arrests. East Sussex police chief Hydra Gorgon has revealed that a gang of organised ventriloquists have infiltrated the Macaroons supporters club. One policeman, handcuffed to a suspect was heard saying “I am making this false arrest so that I can beat this man into unconsciousness back at the station, where I will trump up charges which could send him to prison, unless he gives me a lot of money.” He later denied that he had said anything of the sort but body cam footage clearly showed that the arrested man’s lips were not moving.

Sausage Life!