Sausage 354

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which thinks that French is analogue whereas German is digital.

READER: I think I may have italics

MYSELF: Italics! Stay well away from me! I can’t afford to have italics – I have a lot of work this week.

READER: Don’t worry, its well past the contagious stage.

MYSELF: I’ve heard that before. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not take any chances.

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THE MOON’S A BALLOON
The Flat Earth Society has rejected traditional gravitational theory and declared the moon to be man-made and hollow, like an easter egg. Tides are not governed, as previously thought, by the moon’s influence, but by heavy gravity rays generated from a secret underground bunker in the Pentagon. Hastings inventor Professer Gordon Thinktank has come up with a unique way of testing this new theory out. He has designed a spacecraft long enough to house a giant spirit level which will indicate whether the ship is perpendicular or not, and has trained two yoyo experts as astronauts, who will perform specially designed tricks whilst outside the earth’s atmosphere. “It’s really quite simple” the professor explained “If the yoyo maintains its normal earthly trajectory, the business end will always head downwards, a direction which we can check using the spirit level. If however, the yoyo appears to rise towards the ceiling, or indeed in waver any other direction, then it would strongly suggest the flat earth society’s claim is incorrect.”

DICTIONARY CORNER
hoarding (n) the bell that goes off in a brothel’s waiting room to let you know when one of the ladies is available.
skirmish (n) The language spoken by the indigenous people of Skirm, in the Outer Hebrides.

BUSKING BROUHAHA
Police were called after witnesses reported a “busk off” in Upper Dicker town centre. Roger Mildew, a guitarist who regularly entertains tourists, shoppers and passers by in the pedestrian underpass turned up to find Reuben Squidley, an accordionist from High Wynnet, occupying his regular spot. After a polite request that he move elsewhere was ignored, Mildew unpacked his guitar, stood directly in front of Mr Squidley, and began playing a spirited version of The Kinks’ hit Waterloo Sunset. Squidley immediately increased the thrust of his bellows and tried to drown out the guitarist by playing Streets of London in an unrelated key. Frightened passers-by, alarmed by the cacophony, telephoned the police. Five vans containing riot equipment and a water cannon were dispatched to the scene, by which time a large crowd had gathered. The situation deteriorated when fifteen Morrismen on a pub crawl entered the tunnel and began dancing.
East Sussex Chief Constable Hydra Gorgon told us; “The Morris dancers, fuelled by alcohol, deliberately ramped up the affray, whilst at the same time preventing my officers from going about their lawful duty. When asked via megaphone to leave the crime scene they became violent, and were soon encouraging the crowd to sing The Wild Rover using truncheons seized from police officers to punctuate the chorus. Being a waltz, this clashed wildly with the two other songs. Unfortunately, during the ensuing chaos, the two buskers escaped. Photofits have been posted on social media, and Chief Constable Gorgon has requested that members of the public remain vigilant, “But” she added, “on no account approach either of the men, particularly Mr. Squidley who is thought to be armed with a loaded Pigini Nòva 44 calibre piano accordion”.

WENDY WRITES
Our resident agony aunt with
wholly unqualified advice for the lost, lovelorn and lonely hearted

SUCKER SUCCOUR
Dear Wendy,
although I am neither lost, lovelorn or lonely hearted, I feel confident that you can offer me some solace. My dilemma is this: I recently bumped into a very nice chap in my local pub, The Crown and Anarchist, who told me he was an experienced investment broker and hedge fund manager. He tried to persuade me to put my entire life savings of £100,000 into something called cocoa futures. Naturally I agreed and signed a document giving him power of attorney, but was unfortunately too embarrassed to ask what cocoa futures actually were. If you could give me a brief rundown, in layman’s terms, I would be more than happy to cut you in on any profits.
Also, on another matter entirely: which loudspeakers would you recommend for my hi-fi system? I have a Qanon 404 triple tube vacuum-enclosed amplifier fronting a Barnes & Wallace hydroponic turntable with a Radcliffe 125-gram suspended helium cartridge coupled with a Poontang sustainably sourced gluten-free stylus. I enjoy Dixieland jazz and vintage recordings of iconic steam railway locomotives.
Cuthbert Antrobus, Battle.

Dear Cuthbert,
whilst not claiming to be a financial expert, I can confirm that cocoa futures are indeed a fool-proof way of making pots of money whilst barely lifting a finger. 
Let me explain:
Simply taking a bull-spread binary option whilst hedging anonymity on any stop-loss protection tranches may well attract bears, but is watertight as long as the stock proves to be a potential multi-bagger.
My advice is to buy up any offers on a margin, then purchase a four-call option to provide additional leverage on the unit trusts. Any long-term equity anticipation securities will expire immediately you apply, providing you short your put-options before the dividend date.
I hope that has cleared things up for you. 
Regarding your additional Hi-Fi question, I have no hesitation in pointing you towards a pair of Pooter & Wynne HF42s – concrete based state of the art monitors with diametrically opposed thumb tweeters, carbon-based mid-range hooters and diamond encrusted low frequency waterproof crossovers. At £31,950 each (+VAT, stands extra), they are a snip. Banjos, washboards and clarinets will spring vividly into focus and vintage steam railway engines will sound more iconic than you ever thought possible.

OCEAN MOTION
Dear Wendy,
My fiancée has invited me to accompany him on a Caribbean cruise but I suffer terribly from sea-sickness. Is there a sure-fire preventative measure I could take to avoid the agony and embarrassment of Mal de Mer?
(name and address withheld)

Dear (name and address withheld),  
In my experience, ocean cruises are often fraught with anxieties, such as fear of food-poisoning, constant exposure to low-grade entertainment or falling overboard. As for fiancées, mine ran off with the bongo player of a samba band during a stop-off in Havana, so perhaps seasickness may prove to be the least of your problems! As far as I am aware however, the best method of avoiding it is to sit under a tree.

Sausage Life!