The column that teaches it’s grammar to suck eggs
READER: Nobody will get that joke.
MYSELF: I think that fact alone confirms my point
READER: Whatever. Anyway I’m excited. It’s spring and the handkerchief-waving season has started, the Morrismen are practising their dance moves and soon everyone will be blacking up and celebrating the Jack in the Green festival.
MYSELF: You country folk are fascinating, which I suppose accounts for the baffling longevity of the Archers.
READER: Not to mention the enduring popularity of the accordion.
MYSELF: There are mysteries which dwell beyond our comprehension. However, as an aficionado of Olde England’s ancient fertility rites, you may be interested in the following snippet from our arts section:
Poet, performance artist, steel girder erector and Wild West enthusiast Alistair Milqueflote gave a rare reading last Thursday at Hastings’ new performing arts venue The Cat’s Pyjama. After delighting his fans with a tour de force of his best loved poems, (including No No Nanook! and Waiter – There’s Some Soup on my Fly), the slightly unsteady Mr. Twee grabbed his trademark metal tea-tray, gave himself a righteous blow to the head and launched into a performance of arguably his most famous work, the epic Morrismen, to a thunderstorm of expectant applause:
by Alistair Milqueflote
Bells on their fingers and
bells on their toes
the Clackity Morrismen
get up my nose
Its not just the trousers
with ludicrous braces,
the vacant expressions
that litter their faces
or the fatuous music that
plinks plonks and jangles
as cadence and meter
are put through the mangle
At this point, Alistair was seen to hit himself over the head a little too hard with the metal tea-tray which has become such an indispensible part of his performances. The resultant loss of equilibriumvcaused him to fall into the orchestra pit where he landed on top of a sleeping trombonist. A spokesman for the St John’s Ambulance service informed disappointed fans that owing to concussion, Alistair was unable to continue with the poem. As the stampede for refunds began, I made my excuses and left.
MILK STOLEN – POLICE BAFFLED
Public urged to keep vigilant
Six armed response units attending to a gazelle with its antlers jammed in the metal gates of a glue factory near Jersey’s Douglas airport were diverted to the reported robbery late on Friday, but by the time they arrived the thieves had fled. Police believe over 35 bottles of Full Cream Channel Islands Gold-Top Supreme and several cartons of plain yoghurt were taken. British residents were advised by the foreign office to declare their income tax to the best of their recollection and make arrangements to leave immediately. The ambassador has been recalled.
ITEMS FOR SALE
Arab Spring. Keeps springing back and nearly putting your eye out hence £5 Unitricycle, with stabilizer wheels, suit beginner. No saddle hence £35 ono. No time wasters.
ASK THE VET
Confidential pet advice from Dr. Sven Vondervondervonder
Every time I open a can of Whiskas I nearly throw up, but Mortimer, my cat, will not entertain any other type of cat food. Is there any truth in the rumour that it is heavily laced with cat heroin? Could my little Morty (God forbid) be hopelessly hooked? On another point, my drains have been badly blocked ever since I dissolved my late husband’s body in the bath with hydrochloric acid. Can you recommend anything?
Worried of Beyondenden (Mrs)
Dear Mrs Worried,
Shining a torch into Mortimer’s eyes and observing pupil dilation will soon determine whether or not you have a feline junky on your hands. Should your test prove positive you must nip things in the bud asap before Morty starts dipping into your bank account or using your car for drive-by shootings. Pet rehab and detox centres can be a costly expense, but luckily most cats prefer Cold Turkey.
On your other point, it very much depends on which type of drain is blocked. For kitchens, something like Aaaaargh! by Monsanto will be more than adequate, but when it comes to bathrooms you should be looking at something stronger, like Pearson’s Corpsegon!, or the more astringent Dr Crippen’s Final Solution.
Hastings International Triangle Competition
Now in its fourth year, the 3 day competition, hosted at the Hastings Kipperdrome is sponsored by Pearson’s & Co, manufacturers of fine triangles since 1888. At first considered a niche attraction, it now attracts triangle enthusiasts from all corners of the globe. The early heats were a thrilling example of what this competition means to its devotees, as two collosi of the genre clashed in what people are calling the battle of the ping. Hastings’ own Mimsie Borogrove wowed the audience with a controversial arrangement of Eric Saté’s Fanfare for a hat run over by a steamroller the climax of which involved 3 cannons, a dairy cow and a 40 gallon drum contaning industrial bleach. Not to be outdone, North Korea’s child triangle prodigy Wan Ting, countered with a complex and dense rendering of Calamari’s three-triangle opus tre lati sono meglio di uno, in which she demonstrated the difficult technique known as forte ma non penetrante The audience, temporarily stunned into silence, suddenly burst into wild applause as 500 members of the Korean secret police motorcycle formation team, all playing tiny soprano triangles, roared on to the Kipperdrome stage to reprise the earlier, deceptively plaintive D minor largo with a triumphant demonstration of dramatically percussive intensity.
Hastings’ resident boffin Gordon Thinktank has come up with an economical new method of cheating at crazy golf, using a simple motorized putter with a concealed laser-guided shaft made from tungsten barbecue forks. The Crazy Golf Association (CGA) declined to comment.
LINE OF DUTY-STYLE PLOT SWERVE
Speaking of economy, I am reminded of the famous telegram sent by Michael Caine’s agent Lou Mogulstein in 1963, in reply to a request by Donald Bumsfeld the northern theatrical impresario. Bumsfeld was putting on a stage version of the film Alfie at Morcambe Empire and to achieve any kind of success, he was rather depending on booking the bespectacled actor for the lead role. After cabling Mogulstein he was excited to hear the doorbell ring an hour later. Disappointingly, the telegram said simply:-
CAINE UNABLE – MORCAMBE UNWISE.
BY COLIN GIBSON