Bird Guano
The column that is nasty, British and short

READER: What on earth are we going to do about the hordes of invading foreigners paddling over the channel to steal our jobs, women and catalytic converters?

MYSELF: Can’t you be a little more empathetic? Did you hear about the poor asylum-seekers who drowned because their raft was full of proposals? Clearly no one had bothered to put forward a joined up agenda before they got on board, which to my mind demonstrates a complete lack of blue sky thinking.

READER: We need action now. Tough-guy Priti Patel will sort them out. She knows which side of the butter needs applying to the bread.

MYSELF: Whilst it’s true that Priti has taught us the true meaning of compassion, she also thinks Hitler, Stalin, and Pinochet were too far to the left, and that Bollywood is in Los Angeles. She is a walkin’ coma. Anyway enough of that, everyone is talking about the stylish incontinence pants you were wearing the other night at The Cat’s Pyjama Brexit Disco Party.

READER: Those were not incontinence pants as you know perfectly wellthey were NoMorGym Silhouette Improvement Trousers for Gentlemen.

MYSELF: I thought your silhouette was looking unusually svelte. On the other hand, after a couple of pints of that craft beer they were serving, maybe we could all use some incontinence pants…..what on earth do they put in it?

READER: Nobody knows but it’s so irredeemably awful that when you tell the landlord it tastes like chilled piss with a grapefruit top, he just says, “Thanks.” Also it never goes off.

MYSELF: What? No beer worth its salt has ever stayed in my house long enough to go off.



Dear Emilia Twollet of Herstmonceaux,
I believe you are referring to the giant holographic projection of Flora Robson in the climax to the film Carry On Carrie (1956), which also starred Lon Chaney as Prime Minister Antony Eden and Joan Crawford as Carrie, the psychotic sociopath mistress with a heart of gold.


Dear name & address withheld by request,
The Archers can happen to anyone, suddenly and without warning. As requested, here is the precise moment to switch off the radio when the ghastly country folk catch you unawares in the kitchen:

Dumdy dumdy dumdy dum

dumdy dumdy doo-dah

dumdy dumdy dumdy dum

dum de diddledy (OFF)

I hope this has cleared things up.


My spies tell me that Lizard-Men are operating in Hastings selling deadly chemtrails to kids coming out of school. These shape-shifting amphibians, many of them minor royals, are reportedly charging up to £25 for a single chemtrail-filled balloon! Some of these kids are hopelessly hooked and have resorted to shoplifting in order to support their chemtrail addiction.

READER: Lizard men? In Hastings?

MYSELF:  Yes, at The Alastair Crowley Memorial Garden Centre, over by the indoor plants, bold as brass.

READER: Disgusting! Hanging baskets are too good for them. Any of those lizard men approach my kids, I’ll swing for it.


advertising feature
The Attila Grill in Silverhill is offering a limited edition all-day breakfast to celebrate the success of the UK’s conscious uncoupling from the European Union. Known as The Full Conservative, it consists of free school eggs, non-dom bacon, white pudding, bat’s blood, monkey glands and half a grilled tomato.

Executives on the board of the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South) find themselves mired in controversy today as a result of the criminal prosecutions brought against Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC which were announced by East Sussex Chief Constable Hydra Gorgon. Evidence of serious allegations of fraud, match fixing and bribery involving “several pounds” has been sent to Sussex football’s ruling body, LOUFA.
This bombshell comes only a week after the club was purchased by Mexico’s Steenkin’ Badges, a criminal syndicate composed of several drug cartels, in a move which has delighted the club’s entertainment-starved fans.
In a dawn raid, detectives from the the top-secret money-laundering investigation (code-named Operation Money Laundry) arrested Sergio “The Horse” Peccadillo, the club’s controversial Italian manager, on suspicion of being the capo di capo of the alleged financial flim-flammery.
Released on £45.50 bail, the flamboyant Italian dismissed his interpreters on the court steps and to the delight of waiting Warriors’ fans, issued this firm denial, in perfect English, without notes:
Good morning. Please be kind enough to direct me to the museum, which I am told houses a comprehensive Egyptian Mummy exhibit, as I have an out-of-date map”.

Pressed by our reporter on whether any of the personal accusations of serious financial impropriety had any basis in truth, he declared confidently: 
“I have a note from my physician. May I be seated near the toilet facilities?” 

Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank has challenged universally accepted cheese theory in his shock paper, New Theories In Cheese, which has turned the world of cheese on its head. Until now, it was thought that the holes in Swiss cheese were caused by tiny burrowing mice. Thanks to the professor’s exhaustive research, it has been proved that tiny mice are not responsible for the holes, which, he claims, are caused by terrifying microscopic bacteria invisible to the naked eye, with huge lobster-like claws.

Sausage Life gets an exclusive peek at trailer from Channel 5’s Nazi Blind Date hosted by Priti ‘Vacant’ Patel

MUSIC: Overture from Wagner’s Ride of The Valkeries

PRITI: Good evenin’ and welcome to Nazi Blind Date. Let’s meet our first contestant, what’s your name honey?


PRITI: And what do you do Eva?

CONTESTENT: I’m a housewife.

PRITI: And who’s your first question for Eva?

CONTESTENT: Batchelor Hitler number one please….. Priti please, ha ha!

AUDIENCE: Gales of helpless laughter followed by applause.

PRITI (glaring): Very amusin’ Eva! Bachelor Hitler number one step up please…

CONTESTENT: Batchelor Hitler number one, if you took me on a romantic trip to Europe, would you attempt an invasion?……..

If you want to find out which Bachelor Hitler ended up occupying Eva’s heart tune in to Nazi Blind Date 9.45pm Channel Five Thursdays



Q: So what is this machine for?
A: This machine is for thicknessing wood. It’s for dimensioning the thickness of wood.

READER: What the…..?

I kid you not, I actually heard American people on a DIY show say those words to each other, just now, on TV.

READER: You’re so pedanticising.

MYSELF: With good reason. And whilst I’m at it, I object to the use of the word cooter, and also the word douche, which are both from America.

READER: Cooter, fair enough. but why douche?

MYSELF: Because, douche, there are plenty of perfectly good indigenous words with which to skirt around the subject of ladies’ personal hygiene. Proper, decent euphemistic words, all of whose British origins can be located in Oxford’s green and pleasant English Dictionary.

READER: Such as?

Please, this is a family newspaper. Suffice it to say that Wordsworth would never have used the word douche, preferring the word daffodil. Similarly, Shakespeare always avoided the word cooter, as it gave him headaches.

READER: Douché


 Sausage Life!


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