Bird Guano’s
The column that is giving up religion for Lent

READER: Welcome back.
MYSELF: Thank you. You’re looking remarkably slim and healthy by the way, what’s the secret?
READER: The cheese diet.
MYSELF: Cheese? Diet? How does that work? Isn’t cheese supposed to make you put on weight?
READER: As you can see by my waistline, that is a fallacy put about by the enemies of dairy.
MYSELF: Indeed. So you just eat lots of cheese then?
READER: Its not as simple as that. For instance, here’s my typical daily menu.

BREAKFAST: Bowl of cheese flakes (no milk), small cup of weak tea with 1tsp granulated cheese
ELEVENSES:  One slice cheesecake
LUNCH: Cottage cheese
TEA: Welsh rarebit
DINNER: Cassoulet of Emmental sausage with cheese strips in a cheese sauce
SUPPER: Fake cheese, sml glass of cheese wine

MYSELF: I see. I suppose you have to be quite fond of cheese though.
READER: I would say that is more or less essential. 

Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank’s new superfood, Squink, is made from the eyeballs of tadpoles. “One tadpole eyeball can supply the Squink equivilent of 50 peanut butter sandwiches, a haunch of venison, or a 200Kg rocket salad”, the Hastings inventor told us. “Until I apply for a patent, all I can reveal about Squink is that the eyeball is blended with concentrated extract of horse and dissolved in tepid seawater at a ratio of 101,000 to 1″.
(Editor’s note: Tadpoles’ eyeballs are regenerative like Dr. Who. Ocular vetinary experts are required by law to administer pain-killing injections to the tadpoles before the eyeballs are humanely removed.)

Hugh Jarce, the controversial ex-Top Gear presenter, lashed out today at the ‘government food fascists’ who, in an uncharacteristic outburst in his Sun column Bollocks, he accuses of being “wishy-washy proponents of the nanny-state, which now seeks to dictate ordinary people’s dietary requirements.” Getting in to the swing of things he fumed on: “If our uber-woke Police State is allowed to get away with this Nazi-style propaganda about what we can and cannot eat, we will all end up nibbling lettuce leaves and munching on raw carrots and other organic rubbish (which incidentally is grown in shit!) until, literally, the cows come home. Personally I would like the cows to stay exactly where they are until they are summoned to the abattoir where they can be properly disposed of and fitted into a sesame bun with bacon, cheese and cholesterol.’
“Health, as any food processing company will tell you, is all in the mind,” he continued. “This government is complicit in a plot of Stalin-like proportions, designed to con the public into believing that eating so-called junk food makes you fat. What utter nonsense! I myself eat burgers, chips, ice cream, marzipan, chocolate and lard, as well as drinking like a fish (which, incidentally, I also eat, but only if it is covered in thick batter, fried in beef dripping, and served with a generous portion of salt n’ vinegar laced chips and a tub of microwaved mushy peas – lovely!) – and clearly, as the whole world can see, I am a svelte Davidian figure, who can still fit into the same pair of jeans I bought forty years ago!”

READER: Tut. Having a go at voice of the people Hugh Jarce will not sit well with the general public. You’re obviously a firm believer in the nanny state then?
MYSELF: Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but most of the people who object to the nanny state actually had nannies.

Due to budget restraints this column has been forced to accept advertisements. We’ll be right back after these messages:

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Speaking of professionals, Jedward, the result of an illicit relationship between Noel Edmunds and Edward Woodward, are to play the Kray Brothers in the new musical Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Murder (But Were Afraid To Axe) featuring the songs of Emphysema Ratatouille and lyrics by Mad Frankie Fraser, which will be reviewed in this column next week.

Kevin Doozy, the 10 year old boy missing from his Ashford home for three days, was found yesterday hiding under a pile of polystyrene containers in a branch of McDonald’s in Sandwich, Kent. He had survived by eating the food discarded by toy collectors.
Undercover police from Kent and Sussex had earlier infiltrated McDonald’s wearing party hats in an operation codenamed “Operation Party Hat”
WPC Doris Deiselle (30ish), wearing a pale blue party hat with a gold band, said that Kevin had suffered nothing more serious than minor obesity, tooth decay, and a life threatening chemical overdose. However, a spokesman for the multinational cow empire read out this statement:– “The food-style refreshment served at our outlets is entirely sugar and chemical free, apart from the chemicals and sugars essential for the reconstitution of meat slurry or potato, and the provision of cloying sweetness to all our soft drinks and shakes.”
As he tucked into a Big McSteak Happy Meal with Extra Caries, Kevin told police that he had run away from home because his parents had made him eat what they described as “proper food”. Sussex police chief Hydra Gorgon told us: “In all my years of policing I have not come across a case of child abuse quite as bad as this one. Kevin’s so-called “parents” forced him to chew his food thoroughly before swallowing it, which is bad enough for a growing lad, but tragically, the “food” seems to have consisted almost entirely of organic meat and vegetables, some of which is actually grown in excrement.”

Hydra Gorgon was wearing a De Luxe velour party hat in hot pink with a silver glitter finish (all branches of Debenham’s £12.99).




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