SAUSAGE LIFE 263

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which swears at the radio, even when it’s not on.

MYSELF: Knock knock
READER: Come in.
MYSELF: it’s a joke, stupid. Just say “who’s there”?
READER: Oh. Right. Go on then, who’s there?
MYSELF: Thérèse
READER: Thérèse who?
MYSELF: Thérèse drinks, Thérèse cakes, Thérèse Cuban cigars….
READER: God, you just can’t resist having a go, can you?
MYSELF: I’m a creature of habit, as the mother superior said to the heroin dealer.

TELEPATHETIC
The Clairvoyent duo Medium and Large return triumphantly to Upper Dicker Empire this month, having completed their sellout world tour of West Hartlepool and Darlington lap dancing clubs. The pair have asked me to inform fans that their recent merchandising sensation, The Road Congestion Tarot App is, predictably, sold out. However a voucher for a free psychic interaction with ‘Blobby’ their unique tea-leaf reading satnav is still valid until June 30th. Simply send a stamped self-addressed envelope, enclosing your car’s registration, your destination and a complete cup of tea (not just the leaves) to Medium & Large Ltd, PO box 666, Luxembourg, and remain in the car.

MAY DIVORCE BE WITH YOU
At Hastings Crown Court, a decree nisi has been awarded in the case of Mrs Onya Byche of Upper Dicker, who accuses her husband of mental cruelty. Eric Smorgasbord the solicitor acting for Mrs. Byche, a sufferer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, told the jury that “on several occasions when his wife had been called away in her capacity as septic tank night-supervisor at the Upper Dicker sewage reclamation farm, she would return to find that Mr. Byche had, with malice and aforethought, superglued all the furniture to the ceiling, but in slightly different relative positions. As a result Mrs. Byche suffered severe anxiety attacks, causing her to act irrationally. After one such incident, when her husband had also glued the couple’s miniature Pomeranian poodle Ecoli, to a ceiling-mounted sofa from which he was forbidden, she called the fire brigade, who, from an extended turntable ladder, managed to drown the dog and accidentally flood the two upper floors and basement of the entire building.” The case continues

NEITHER A BORROWER…
Herstmonceux library, unlike libraries all over the country which are being closed, is actually to be renovated at great expense by celebrated architects Allfore Doone of Glasgow. One controversial change to the original plans, is to house all the talking books in a separate purpose-built soundproof section so as not to disturb the other books.
Also promised is a full excavation of the library’s Victorian catacombs, where non-payers of overdue book fines were once sent and chained to the wall to await a flogging from Andrew Pendulum, the notorious head librarian.

…OR A LENDER BE
The recent story of Dylan Amlwg-Hiliol the Welsh taxi driver who borrowed a lawn mower from a neighbour and modified the engine to power a drone which he then used to smuggle wet wipes into Wormwood Scrubs, has reminded me of a regrettable personal experience. I once lent my sewing machine to an acquaintance for “a quick trouser alteration job”. Unscrupulously, before returning machine they used it to insulate the loft, completely rewire their house, and drain a septic tank. It was never the same after that.

HANGOVER BREAKTHROUGH
In the search for a pain-free morning after, is mayonnaise the new Alo Vera? Professor Gordon Thinktank, local inventor and wine buff, may be on the verge of a breakthrough. During a fact-finding trip to the Norwegian city of Fosnavåg he observed that people who had consumed the pungent local mayonnaise Håakenhurr (made with enzymes extracted from the testicles of Icelandic Herring which have been buried in volcanic mud for two years), before embarking on an ill-considered Scandinavian bender, were totally headache and nausea-free the next morning. “Traditionally,” Thinktank told us, “the citizens of Fosnavåg celebrate the long dark evenings between Tuesday and Sunday by drinking enormous quantities of illegally brewed fish-based vodka until they lose consciousness, yet unlike their Swedish cousins, the consumers of Håakenhurr, are rarely seen green-faced and vomiting into a hedge on the way to work in the morning.”

STUFFED
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC were beaten 8-0 last Wednesday by Gaelic League champions AC Bangor Beehives, ending their Lil-Lets Cup run of one game. Relaxing after the game in Bangor’s famous karaoke n’ wine bar the Shinto & Shellaille, big-hearted Beehives’ manager Darragh Bigheart said, “Football is a game of two halves, or in Pat Hennessy’s case, eleven pints. Let’s face it we gave the Warriors the old one-two, followed up rapidly by the old three-four, a system I have been developing with the lads since yesterday afternoon. After a detailed video analysis we saw that what the Warriors lacked was midfield strength in their back four. We exploited their lack of depth at the front by staying deep, whereas they pursued a dead ball strategy with Craig Cattermole acting as a fake number nine. In a long ball game, the ball is played long, as opposed to a short ball game, where a shorter ball is used. We exploited this by playing all our short balls long, and increasing the length of our shorter balls. Their only quality player was Dutch defender Ruud van Smoot, but groin-kick specialist Liam Finnigan neutralised him by removing the top layer of skin on his shins. Football is a man’s game. Lets face it, some of these skirt-wearing foreign types are not averse to supping stout out of the wrong side of the glass.”
The big-hearted gealic supremo was later strechered off after a fan accidentally trod on his hand.

Sausage Life!

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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