SAUSAGE Life 270

 

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which uses a periscope even when it isn’t underwater 

READER: Why the long face?
MYSELF:  I’m getting into character.
READER: Gosh, that sounds interesting, what for?
MYSELF:  I’m rehearsing for a part in the High Dudgeon Repertory Company’s production of Warhorse actually.
READER: Really? Are you playing one of the horses? I thought they were all done with puppets.
MYSELF:  No, I’m playing Nelson, the Giant Anteater who saves the life of Staff Sergeant Billy Wagstaff after he is captured by Germans. The “horses” will all perform behind huge screens, as the High Dudgeon Repertory Company’s budget will not stretch to puppets, or scenery.
READER: As an experienced actor of note, isn’t it a little demeaning playing an Anteater?
MYSELF: Not at all. I once portrayed a tortoise in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Compared to that, playing the part of an Anteater is like playing Othello. You should come to the opening night of Warhorse, it’s right up your street.
READER: I’d love to! But High Dudgeon? Where exactly is that?
MYSELF:  It’s just before you get to Beyondenden.

SPACE RACE LATEST
Discoverator II, the £40million Upper Dicker space probe is “doing very well” according to Captain Rob Dulle, chief spokesman for the East Sussex Community Space Exploration Forum (ESCSEF). The probe, which launched in February, is constructed entirely from stolen bicycle parts and is currently travelling at 500,000 miles per hour on a trajectory which, once it has achieved escape velocity , will result in a voyage of discovery unprecedented in modern-day community-based space exploration.
“We hope to establish an orbit around Seepsterboo,” said Dulle, “an earth-like planet on the outskirts of constellation K99-7H, a small parallel universe three light years from here”.
“We suspect that on this planet, Boris Johnson is a mild-mannered reporter with no discernible superpowers working for a great metropolitan newspaper. Wearing thick horn-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses and a blonde wig, he is constantly in amorous pursuit of Priti Patel, the glamourous newshound with a secret super-identity: Wombat Woman.”  
When pressed, Dulle admitted: “Obviously this theory is based on a great deal of speculation which, if proved to be true, could set the baffling world of non-existent particle physics on fire. Not literally of course.”
The probe is expected to reach K99-7H by 2252, by which time, according to Dulle, the global economy will be controlled by a Korean drug syndicate based in Sunderland. “Its influence will stretch far beyond the region” he continued, “and be powerful enough to have the cities of London and Paris relocated to China”.
“New York will be under a sheet of solid ice over three kilometres thick, and will eventually become the permanent venue for the Winter Olympics.”
Halting abruptly, Captain Dulle smiled, reached into his pocket and retrieved a pack of playing cards, from which we were invited to “Pick a card. Any card. Now put it back. Don’t show me.” At this point we were quietly approached by two white-coated men who very politely asked us to leave, so that trained ESCSEF nurses could administer the captain’s medication.

BOOM BANGA BANG
With the stupidest title in pop history, Dummy Dummy Dummy Dummy by the reformed Imaginary Chairleg, will be this year’s British entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. Thought to be a potential outright winner, the throbbing, massively loud anthem was described by Mojo as “Deafeningly pointless” and “A triumph of no style over no substance”.  After declaring that the band’s royalties would be donated to charity, it defied all odds by beating Uber-Pop gender neutral band Massive Haddock’s I Can’t Stand Up For Sitting Down during the qualifying rounds, Minus deductions for lunch, travel, fireworks, spangled pyjamas, corporate entertaining and class A drugs, all proceeds from Eurovision and subsequent sales of the Dummy Dummy Dummy Dummy single will go to Guard Dogs For The Rich.

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S CREAM
Dedicated science boffins working through the night with sometimes only mice or spiders to eat, have suggested that there may be a link between dressing up and excessive alcohol consumption. In response to this, Hastings’ inventor extraordinaire, Professor Gordon Thinktank, has patented Scurvy, an anti-pirate cream, which he claims will curb the obsessive urge to clap a patch over one eye, daub some eyeliner on the other, get drunk and shout at people. The unique formula, made from unpasteurised feta cheese, yams and a secret ingredient he calls Arr, will, when rubbed into the temples, produce a profound feeling of soporific tranquillity, allowing the user to experience an idyllic nirvana, far from the hedonistic temptations of antisocial dressing up.

ONE ARMED BANDIT
A new study by Cockmarlin-based radical right wing thinktank The New Institute for Going Forwarder proposes that Admiral of the Fleet Lord Horatio Nelson, having lost one eye in Corsica during the Napoleonic Wars, would have been unable to properly enjoy today’s 3D films even when wearing the provided glasses. It is also thought that due to his renowned parsimony – (he would often claim “Alas, regrettably I have left my duckets in my other breeches”) – the premium 3D admission price would have stuck in the great sailor’s craw as he watched what was, to him, just a regular 2D film. Following this, the study claims, his unpredictable temperament could very easily have led him to bombard the cinema with heavy cannon fire from a flotilla of warships anchored just offshore.
According to the institute however, his numerical arm deficiency might well have worked to his advantage today. Playing tennis would still be difficult of course, particularly when serving, but modern AI prophylactics could have provided Horatio with a distinct benefit when it came to playing games like billiards, where a steady cueing technique is crucial. Or darts, which only requires one arm.

 

Sausage Life!

 

 

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

 

 



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