There we were, on the bus to Heaven; it was April 20, 2004 7:38 AM. I had my packed lunch in my satchel. We’d been told by the bus company – it was in their brochure – that we should not believe in the Hell Is Only For Losers argument. I didn’t know anyone in my immediate circle who had ever thought that, or what point they were trying to make, but I figured it must have something to do with how things have their consequences, which is maybe how come I was there, on the bus to Heaven, but I didn’t really believe in it, whatever it was.
An image that stays in my head is of the line-up (queue) outside the Ancient Holy Kingdom shopping mall where I met Su. A few minutes later we were in the bus analysing what was happening. Su said that if you choose to believe in God, and if God exists, you will go to Heaven come what may. You are, as they say in those parts, “of the Bus”. Deep down I was dubious, but Su was a sweet delight and so I agreed with everything she said.
My questing and research had led me to believe that The Heavenly Bus Company didn’t always deliver on their promises. I figured that the managers and such were maybe taking on bona fide (gullible) passengers but not treating them fairly. My first impressions made me think I was maybe right. Then the passengers burst into song: One, three, five, seven, paid-up members go to Heaven. And all along the bus route, which was one of many (ways to get to Heaven: 2, 6, 17, 34, 35, 110, 120, 122, 610, 707, 721, 739 ……) there were beautifully designed trees. Carefully designed trees. Beautifully carefully designed trees alongside the bus routes.
As I was saying, there we were, on the bus that was supposed to be going to Heaven; it was April 20, 2004 7:38 AM. We’d been reassured that we should not believe in the Hell Is Where Your Family Is theory. And I think it was reasonable for me to be cynical because I had once fallen in with a group of some decidedly odd folk who said they would be like family to me, as it happens, and who insisted that when we arrived in Heaven we would be met by people from not-Earth. But the bus seats were pretty comfortable, and Pei Yi and Wen Hao (from Bradford, apparently) were handing out fresh fruit, saying it symbolized eternal goodness. I thought they spoke damn funny, and although I had my packed lunch I took an apple anyway.
I had waited at the bus stop until 7.34 AM, then the bus came. I thought I was homeward bound, listening to Simon & Garfunkel on my iPod. At my school we had a little song we sang on field trips, but now that’s just a memory, and what use are memories? Memory plays tricks, like a magician who somehow turns a rabbit into a glass pyramid but he doesn’t really. I didn’t understand anything that was happening, but sat back and admired the trees. They were beautiful and carefully designed, all along the route.
I really like Su, and she was sitting next to me on the bus, and all the time I was thinking, hoping, praying, that I wasn’t dreaming and just be happy that if I was really going to Heaven she was coming with me. I had my packed lunch in my satchel. Then the driver told us there were roadworks at several places up ahead, so there would inevitably be delays. That made sense. I knew that if we were actually heading for Heaven we would need a little patience.
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Conrad Titmuss
Picture Nick Victor
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