I thought of you the other night.
Really? Why?
Well I was watching the Prog Rock Proms on the TV.
The what?
You know. The Proms. Orchestras at the Albert Hall. Flags waved by hooray Henrys and Henriettas. Stiff upper lips and polite applause, except for permissible bad behaviour on the last night.
Yes, I know what the Proms are, but what’s that got to do with prog rock? I mean, I know Soft Machine played there once, a long time ago, in a doomed attempt to get some contemporary music in to the programme.
Well maybe they are trying again. This was a whole evening of your favourite music in ‘Dazzling new classical arrangements’.
Ah, the old posh-it-up-and-legitimise-it-with-an-orchestra exercise. A vague nod towards popular culture.
You’re such a cynic. They claimed it was ‘the ultimate rock-classical crossover’.
Well they would. I’ve never liked all those albums of orchestral rock instrumentals.
Well, there were guest singers there too, as well as Stuart Maconie introducing the whole thing. And they really made an effort: I reckon they told the orchestra wear something sparkly as well as black, and it looked like they’d borrowed some of Hawkwind’s lazers. And I guess they put in wheelchair ramps for all the prog rock fans like you.
Ha ha ha. It all sounds ghastly.
Most of it was to be honest. But I felt obliged to watch it if I was going to take the piss out of you in an informed manner.
You could have just phoned or texted me to tell me it was on.
Where’s the fun in that?
Well, come on then, give me all the horrid details.
Okay. They started with some ancient drummer pounding away behind perspex screens, murdering some actual classical piece. ELP I think.
I hate ELP.
I think I do too, after hearing that. Then there was something that featured a flute and something they said was Soft Machine, but it all sounded the same to me. At least the drummer didn’t stay around.
I share your pain.
Then that bloke from Elbow arrived and he and Stuart Maconie did…
Don’t tell me, a Genesis track. Guy Garvey loves Genesis. He always goes on about it.
I’m sure you’re right. It started with Maconie wittering over a drone, and then crashed into some other nonsense, some kind of rhyming doggerel nonsense. Maconie slunk off after his bit.
I Know What I Like.
I’m sure you do. Me too. And it’s not prog rock.
No, that’s the name of the track. I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe) is a song, written in response to the painting on the album sleeve of Selling England by the Pound.
Why do you have to geek out at the slightest excuse?
I was just saying. Did Garvey stay on and sing everything else then?
No, he popped up every so often but lots of it was instrumental. There was a female singer too on some songs, and Garvey did another Genesis track as a duet with some scruffy Welsh guy in a woolly hat.
Narrow it down a bit!
He had a weird name. Griff something.
Oh. Gruff Rhys. He wasn’t singing in Welsh was he? He’s prone to that.
I have no idea. It was more of a mumble.
Definitely sounds like him.
Garvey came back on to wreck that heavy metal song you like too. 20th Century something. He sang it through a megaphone.
King Crimson? 21st Century Schizoid Man?
Probably. It went on a bit anyway, and then there was another quiet piece with a flute.
That could have been anything!
I meant by King Crimson too. Never mind.
Was there anything good? Did you recognise anything else?
Well, they did that Moody Blues song where someone mopes about dreaming of his love.
Was that good?
No.
Great.
Oh, I’ll tell you what was weird. Some old bloke in a creased baggy shirt and trousers limped on and did a song. It started off a bit rough but he really got into it by the end. It was pretty passionate and – I hate to admit it – quite moving. The orchestra really went for it too, quite jagged in places. ‘Refugees’ it was called, I think.
Bloody hell. Peter Hammill. Van der Graaf Generator. Doesn’t do a lot of gigs these days as he’s old and has had several heart attacks. I might actually have to find that one on Youtube. Anything else?
Well, I’m saving your favourite until last.
Yes. Go on then.
Got it in one.
What?
Yes. In fact a much sexier version of Yes, with two young ladies singing instead of that long haired hippy castrato they normally have. Black dresses and silver boots.
I think you underestimate Jon Anderson’s astonishing vocal range.
I think you misunderstand my level of interest. I reckon they should get the girls in to the band, they’d get loads more fans.
Maybe. Since, I presume, the Albert Hall was sold out maybe they already have plenty of fans?
Perhaps, or the audience could be so old and infirm they were left behind from the night before… They probably couldn’t hear anything either, I expect they thought they were listening to Beethoven or something.
Have you quite finished? Was that it?
Well, the orchestra did go straight into a short version of that weird music where the instruments get introduced. You know: ‘one acoustic banjo’, ‘three plucked ferrets’, ‘the guitarist sneezing’ and all that.
Ah. Mike Oldfield. Tubular Bells. Bong did dee dee dee dee deeee…
Yes that’s the one. Stop now. People are looking.
So why did you watch it?
I thought it might give me the upper hand in one of our discussions. You know, I could take the lead role instead of simply being the foil to your useless arcane prog rock knowledge.
Does that mean I am now supposed to be the one to invite you down the pub?
That would work. Let’s go. You walked into that one…
Johnny ‘Thick as a Brick’ Brainstorm
