Jeremy Clarkson (Jezza to his hoards of petrol-head fans around the world) has received over a million signatures on a petition to get him reinstated at the BBC after kneecapping the disciplinary board set up to investigate claims that he punched a producer of the hit show ‘Top Gear.’ Speaking from his speeding Maserati Jezza belched, ‘No one tells me what to do! Ever! If they try it on I’ll let my twelve-bore do the talking! Pow! Pow! Pow!’
Clarkson shot to fame in the talentless 80’s when even a duck could have got a job reviewing cars on TV. Since then witless licence paying TV heads have paid him millions to talk reactionary bollocks about cars whilst sounding like Winston Churchill’s illegitimate love child. Media analysts have claimed there is more than meets the eye to the rouge presenter’s latest madcap kneecapping prank and that this bloodletting incident was in fact merely a crafty stunt to boost ratings.
Steve Stercore, international PR guru, hissed, ‘Everyone’s doing it these days. Madonna threw herself off the stage at the Brits to sell tickets for her next tour. Harrison Ford crashed his plane into a golf course in L.A. to get the vibe going for Star Wars fifteen and now, being no slouch in the PR department himself, Jezza has shot the knees off the entire fat cat disciplinary board at the Beeb so he can demand a billion pounds to review the new Ford Focus. What a player. You’ve got to admit it, for a dinosaur this guy still has all the moves.’
If square-eyed TV experts are right then Clarkson shotgun stunt has been an incredible success. With over a million signatures on the rouge presenter’s reinstatement petition his media profile is at an all time high. Mr Stercore added, ‘Right now Jezza could insist the BBC make him king of England and no one could stop him. Not even the Queen. In the end all the plebs want from their megastars is that they are a bunch of accident prone, loud-mouthed, spoilt pricks. Let’s face it, Jezza’s got the lot.’