Bird Guano’s
The column which agrees with R.Crumb when he said “You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose” 

READER: Who is R.Crumb?
MYSELF: He’s a very funny man, that’s all you need to know.
READER: Funnier than Mrs. Brown’s Boys?
MYSELF:  Mrs. Brown’s Boys is about as funny as a dose of the clap.
READER: What? Mrs. Brown? Not funny? Are you kidding?
MYSELF:  No. And neither are they. here’s another couple of comic frauds you could mull over; James Corden, who is not quite as funny as a dose of clap, and The Big Bang Theory which is a comedy series without any laughs performed in front of an audience who wouldn’t know a joke from a poisonous snake.
READER: Now you’re being ridiculous. The Big Bang Theory happens to be the most successful comedy show on American TV!
MYSELF:  True, of course. Just remind me though, who did they vote for in the 2017 presidential election?
READER: I give up.
MYSELF: So do I………..

Have the councils of Kent and Sussex gone too far in banning unleashed dogs in public spaces? For those who can afford it, the solution is simple; just get one of those extending dog leads that unravel like a tape measure whenever Fido gets the scent of a badger or a badly neglected trouser. The only trouble is that these leads are tending to get longer and longer. Upper Dicker magistrates court recently had to deal with the case of Tyson, a Jack Russell, who was attached to one of these gadgets. As his owner, a Mr. Norman D. Landing of Folkestone stated: “I was standing on the corner talking to a friend, and must have inadvertently flipped the safety catch on Tyson’s leash. I never even noticed he was gone.” The court heard that Tyson, still on his “leash” had hopped on a bus to Dover, entered the Royal Mail sorting office, bitten three postman and savaged several parcels before being restrained by dog pound officials. They traced the lead back to Mr. Landing, who was still chatting away, unaware of the canine mayhem. He was jailed for 25 years, with no chance of parole, and Tyson was given a 6 month restraining order and fitted with rubber teeth.

There are many obstacles in life, but none quite so insurmountable as a failing mattress. Don’t despair. Once enrolled at The College of Bedroom Furniture’s new mattress department, funded by KFC and FIFA, your mattress will not only achieve top pass grades, but you (and your mattress) will be awarded beautiful certificates, handwritten with a spindly 16th century-style quill pen and printed on distressed parchment that looks like the Dead Sea scrolls, which you can frame and put in the bathroom or study.
Don’t let Preventable Mattress Failure scar your future, act now!

In 1995 José Tonto Guacamole, a tightrope walker from Paranoia, Texas, was sentenced to die in the electric chair for dropping a Mars Bar wrapper in the street. After 26 years on death row, the sentence has been reduced by the Supreme Court to death by solar-powered chair. He is to be executed on the first sunny day in July 2023, at 6-30am.

Reports are coming in about Hastings & St Leonards’ Warriors enigmatic Italian manager Sergio “The Horse” Peccadillo, having “completely lost the dressing room.” His refusal to use interpreters and only speak to the players via a 1958 English phrasebook is thought to be at the root of the problem.

A member the playing staff who wishes to remain anonymous told us: After a tough defeat in the last game of the season against Upper Dicker Macaroons, which confirmed our relegation to The Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South), the lads were all a bit depressed. We were all looking forward to relaxing in the big, soothing, post-match communal bath, but imagine our surprise when we discovered that the home dressing room had vanished! When we asked the manager where it was, he would only say, “Is the post office far? I am expecting a telegram”

By Patrick Carabine

An avid fan of Widdecombe
Had had tattooed upon his bum
A fetching pic of his desire
Which over time had lost its fire.
An expensive panacaea
claimed to make it disappear
But the pricey ointment simply
Made Anne’s visage
rather pimply.

Boffins from the Department of Misinformation think they may have discovered the source of so-called “chemtrails”, those mysterious airborne vapours which are thought to affect the intellectual processes of gullible idiots. Using the latest hi tech probes, the chemtrails were traced to the cooling tower outside the laboratory of Hastings’ inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank. Police have surrounded the concrete tower with yellow tape, until specially ordered tin foil-lined police helmets arrive from China. Professor Thinktank is though to have been conducting experiments on seagulls, to see if they can be taught to eat fish.

I overheard this conversation on the bus the other day:
Have you seen that “Modern Life Is Goldfish” on telly?
I think you’ll find it’s “Goodish”. “Modern Life Is Goodish”.
No, “Modern Life Is Goldfish”. Its on Sky TV’s Fish Channel.
I’ve not watched that. The Fish Channel? Is it just Fish?
Mainly, but you do see the occasional freshwater mollusc. The self-assembly wardrobe
hannel is good too.
I never miss that. I’m away this weekend, but my wife is taping it.

Sausage Life!

Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris

When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.
Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!

Vote For Countryside Alliance
by The Hunt Cult. Click for video






“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”



By Colin Gibson


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