Bird Guano’s
The column which is rated PG and may contain scenes of brief strong sex

READER: I can’t wait to see Matt Hancock on “I’m a Celebrity”, can you?
MYSELF: Me? Yes, I can wait. All my life if necessary.
READER: Don’t be so hard on him! He’s only doing this to raise people’s awareness
about dyslexia.
MYSELF: Of course he is, he’s a genius. And can there be a better way of raising dyslexia
wareness than sticking your head in a bag of angry scorpions or munching on a pair of raw
oat testicles?
READER: Goat testicles aren’t nearly as bad as some people make out. They are versatile and like mushrooms, very absorbent. They can take on the flavour of whatever they are cooked with.
MYSELF: I know, that’s why they are so good at languages.

Staff at Upper Dicker’s Pink Triangle Gallery were left reeling today after a valuable piece of work was stolen from an exhibition when no-one was looking.
The famous gallery was targeted by what police believe to be an international art theft syndicate run by a sinister mastermind with a fluffy white cat. They stole what gallery curator Alistair Milqueflote described as “an irreplaceable masterpiece”.
The piece was part of a mixed exhibition, and featured a photograph of a straw hat with the words “kiss me quick” written around the rim, on a pale green background.
Mr. Milqueflote sobbed as he told us “The 12x24cm picture is the work of local conceptual artist Bandy Sponk, famous for his miniature depictions of candy floss, and is estimated to be worth between £200 and £24,000,000. I’m gutted”

The thieves are thought to have gained access by entering through the front door of the gallery during opening time. Detectives believe that the gang then removed the picture from the wall, left the building, and made their getaway either on foot or in a vehicle, possibly a municipal bus. As Sussex police appealed for witnesses, a devastated Mr.Milqueflote described the theft as “a tragedy which could set art back 2,500 years, to a time when people had to use brushes and paint and be able to draw”
Officers at Upper Dicker police station remain baffled by what they describe as a “sophisticated and well planned robbery”. Police Chief Hydra Gorgon gave us this statement:-
“I would like to speak directly to the heartless mob who stole this sculpture, some of whom may be reading this paper. Bring it back at once and take your punishment like men, or women. We are appealing for witnesses.” She added that although she knows quite a lot about art, she doesn’t know what she likes.
©2010 Guano Associated Press


Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Rising sign of Jupiter will meet falling Sun in Teahouse of August Moon. Cancel travel on 12th and check roof tiles. In case of exterior, hard hat must be worn. Or head-cage if not raining.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) The moon in conjunction with Aries will reverse fondly, bringing cheese. Love battles have no appetite for worms.

Pisces (20 February-20 March) Insecurity of stock market may precipitate funds. News of razor-fish will arrive like speedy cruiser-boat on 23rd. Beautiful snake withers by October month however.

Aries (21 March-20 April) Mid-month, Gemini and Mars will bump heads in a cusping, which may abbreviate to unfortunate news of Venus awake but not getting out of bed. Sacrifice pig for best holiday bargain.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)  Saggitarious is your escalator, stalked by angry Pluto, so this month’s atomic plan could be medicinal to dried grape money illnesses. August will fetch happy seawater of a lengthy misplaced relative

 Gemini (22 May-21 June) The Tiger Penis brings health for doctor advising. A houseboat means good fortune, although water danger. Big job with company perhaps? Or unexpected falling wind.

Cancer (22June 23 July)  Strong advice heeding will be good news for electronic keyboard. Press flashing light button at all times to enjoy varied musical tones.

Leo (24 July-23 August) For Leos, may is dread month of the squirrel. Fill watering cans with red dye and sprinkle nuts. Spread glue and wait for squirrels. Fence in squirrels when firmly stuck. Rinse and repeat.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) With feng shui and Mercury absconding, very important for Virgo to rearrange furniture on the 28th. Chairs must face wall. All fish to be suspended. A wren’s egg under floorboards will repel malodorous relatives.

Libra (24 September-23 October) Difficult month for those born under weighing machine sign. On one side is monkey, on the other, goat. To eliminate goat, press A and C buttons with togetherness, and illuminate screen motivation map. Next, scroll with map signature until pop-up will show yearning to be instructed. Select Yes and No under Why? button, and screen will give hospitality for entry and vanquishing of goat.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Good news for Scorpio! Beautiful girlfriend will appear like big surprise unless you are not boy. For ladies, shining beads for ear hanging. or perhaps silk gown in the shape of a ball.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) An ill-planned surprise returns fire. 15th and 16th best for love hotel or karaoke party. Product may contain nuts.



Douglas Pancake has been resident principle boy at the Cascara Playhouse Shepton Mallett since 1957. His hobbies include breeding fancy goldfish, stamp collecting and dogging. He is 63, and unmarried.



By Douglas Pancake
from his poetry compendium Streamy Windows

An infinite number of monkeys and
an infinite number of typewriters?
That’s a lot.

The noise will be deafening

think of the neighbours!

What are all those monkeys going to eat?
An infinite number of bananas?

I don’t even like Shakespeare.


Sausage Life!

Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris

When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.
Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!


“Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn’t do anything”



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One Response to SAUSAGE 249

    1. Brilliant Col ! You and Private Eye 👁 are keeping me insane!! Peas and love
      M S

      Comment by michael storey on 10 November, 2022 at 11:27 am

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