Bird Guano’s
The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for in spiteful malice  

MYSELF:  Why the short face? 
READER: I’m so excited I can hardly wait! I’ve just taken out a subscription to Sky TV’s dedicated F1 channel which broadcasts motor racing all day long.
MYSELF: Ah, bliss, what could be sweeter than the sound of a million terrified bees flying around in circles in an underground cave.
READER: You’re just a motor-racist. As a fully paid up petrol-head I will be able to watch every single race in the F1 season! And then on top of that there will be expert studio pundits conducting in-depth interviews with all the drivers!
MYSELF:  Towering intellects every one of them.
READER: I give up. Frankly you just don’t know what you’re missing.
MYSELF:  Frankfully, I do not. I’m amazed though, that you can afford to fork out so much money when you clearly have such a lot of time on your hands.
READER: I work from home.


Cornelius Swettshop, CEO of Swetshop Garments Ltd who is also chairman of The Institute for The Institution of the Ethical Institute of Business Research Group (UK), attended the official opening of Upper Dicker’s latest retail outlet, Bashful Narcissus earlier this month. Its brightly coloured stock originates from Swettshop’s factory in Bangladesh where abandoned orphans are employed to manufacture fast fashion garments from Polymorphyloid Asbestolene, a highly inflammable petroleum derivative which glows in the dark. A spokesperson for Bashful Narcissus explained: “All of Swettshop’s fast fashion line is completely disposable and must be discarded immediately after wearing, as exposure to soapy water tends to make them dangerously toxic and liable to cause hallucinations.”
Eileen Dodds, an unemployed waitress of Lower Pillhook spent the night in a sleeping bag outside Bashful Narcissus, ready to pounce on an opening day bargain as soon as Hastings’ Lord Mayor the Right Worshipful Derek Windfarm cut the ribbon at 9am.
“It was well worth the overnight stay on a freezing cold pavement smelling of urine in order to be first in the queue.” she declared, “It’s practically impossible to buy proper disposable clothes where I live, it’s all wool and cotton, which is so last year. I have been forced to wash clothes for the last twelve months,” she complained, “instead of being able to dump them in a lay-bye late at night, next to a recycling point”.
Eileen proudly showed me the huge lead-lined designer bag (£20) containing dresses, tops and accessories she had purchased from Bashful Narcissus that morning, adding: “I have spent well over £12 on cheap, garish items of clothing today, all of which I fully intend to throw away the minute they are unwrapped.”

Unqualified medical advice for the devil-may-care

Dear Dr Guano,
My teenage son has taken to wearing a revolting brand of cologne, in what I take to be a desperate bid for sophistication and peer acceptance. Odour du Mal, by Revenge, has a particularly rank smell, reminiscent of cat-tray mixed with rancid goat’s cheese, producing an acrid stench which has a particularly stimulating effect on the projectile vomit reflex. As is the nature of adolescent rebellion, the more I go on about it, the less inclined he is to stop applying it to his body. What am I to do?
Ivy Poisson,

Dear Ivy,
What you describe is a typical adolescent desire to smell terrible, which he will grow out of for a few of his adult years before reverting to type. Until then, you can temporarily stem the odorous tide using this method: In a large barrel, combine two kilos of horse manure with five litres of ammonia. Add four drops of concentrated methane hydrochloride and stir. When the mixture has stopped bubbling, with the help your husband, remove the boy from his bed, and without waking him, dip him head first into the barrel. The offending smell should disappear within 4 to 5 days, along with his hair and eyelids. Regretfully, I am not an NHS doctor, so that will be £150.
Dr Guano 

Fake magician plans to scupper new Irish/EU deal using telepathy 

Uri Geller, the spoon bending charlatan and fake psychic is appealing to the British public to help him influence what he considers to be the Prime Minister’s watering down of Brexit, by sending telepathic messages directly to Rishi Sunak’s brain. In a letter to the PM, reportedly written using an ordinary non-psychic pen, he has warned that he intends to employ his special powers to prevent the UK from “collaborating with the EU”. His plan is to harness and transmit psychic energy into Sunak’s brain twice a day from a secret location (42a, Nostradamus Crescent, Chipping Norton) at 11.11am and 11.11pm (“a very mystical time” according to Geller). The tableware-menacing windbag will visualise the PM signing a document revoking the Good Friday agreement.  He may also project a mental image of Mr Sunak wearing a diaphanous pink negligée and thigh length kitten-heel boots – but this, he says, is his “second choice”.
 “What a lot of people are unaware of”, continued the grinning guru of gullibility, “is that if we allow Northern Ireland to continue trading with the EU, we will be forced under WTO rules to import cheap, unbendable cutlery from Romania, which, let’s face it, is half my act ruined”.
He claims that he had already successfully penetrated Mr. Sunak (psychically speaking) after visiting his palatial home when he was merely Chancellor of the Exchequer. “Once inside, I simply projected positive thoughts, wrote out an invoice and bingo! “ he bragged, “Within months he became Prime Minister. Although he was very grateful, he later sent me a bill for ruining his Vera Wang silverware”.


Sausage Life!

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!



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