Bird Guano’s
The column which swears at the radio, even when it’s not on.

READER: Great news for horses eh?

MYSELF: Have their faces been shortened?

READER: Very funny. If you had any respect for animals you would know that I am referring to the decision by The Jockey Club to limit the number of horses competing in the Grand National next year.

MYSELF: They horses will be delighted. The scions of the Gambling-Sports Complex must be congratulated for redefining themselves as exemplars of compassionate animal concern. Like Francis of Assisi, they overflow with empathy for our four-legged friends, as long as they remain four-legged. How much room have they made for them?

READER: They’ve reduced the number of horses by six.

MYSELF: Luxury! That’s twice the number that were destroyed last year for falling over. I imagine the horses are delighted.   

READER: They love a good National do the horses.

MYSELF: That sounds so true when you say it with an Oirish accent so it does. According to most horsemeat traders the noble beasts like nothing better than having their arses whipped by squeaky-voiced little Napoleons who left school when they were eight, until they agree to try and jump over a fence four times bigger than they are.

READER: I’ve a hot tip from a stable lad in the 3-30 at Newmarket if you fancy a flutter. Steak Chevaux to win at 15/2

MYSELF: I’m one step ahead of you. I’ve already got a pony each way on Pedigree Chum at 13/1 in the Marmite Classic at Aintree. 

At Herstmonceaux Crown Court, a decree nisi has been awarded in the case of Mrs Onya Byche of Lilliputtenden, a sufferer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, who accuses her husband of mental cruelty. Eric Smorgasbor QC of Smorgasbord Poppicoque & Woggle the solicitor acting for Mrs. Byche, told the jury that “on several occasions when his wife had been called away in her capacity as septic tank night-supervisor at the Upper Dicker sewage reclamation farm, she would return to find that Mr. Byche had, with malice and aforethought, superglued all the furniture to the ceiling, but in slightly different relative positions. As a result Mrs. Byche suffered severe anxiety attacks, causing her to act irrationally. After one such incident, when her husband had also glued the couple’s miniature Pomeranian poodle Ecoli, to the ceiling-mounted recliner from which he was forbidden, she called the fire brigade, who, from an extended turntable ladder, managed to drown the dog and accidentally flood the two upper floors and basement of the entire building.” The case continues

Armed police were called to a house in Lower Hammock last week after a terrified couple reported being shot at by their pet cat Ozwald. Officers of the Lower Hammock Special Patrol Unit which sped to the scene on electric bicycles discovered Mr and Mrs Cuthbert Stipinsky cowering behind a bush in their front garden. The ginger suspect eventually surrendered after Sgt Phil Nagasaki, a trained hostage negotiater spent two hours talking through a rolled-up piece of cardboard.
“We arrived home after our usual Thursday evening’s dogging at about 9-30 and as we walked up the drive, that’s when the first shot whistled over our heads” a sobbing Mrs Stipinsky, told our reporter; “so we instinctively dived under the wisteria. We are both baffled. Ozwald has always been as good as gold, but has recently taken to staying out until all hours.”
“We had no idea he even had a gun” said Mr. Stipinsky, a retired glove manufacturer, “or opposable thumbs for that matter. This has all come as a terrible shock”
East Sussex Police Chief Hydra Gorgon declined to comment but issued this statement; “Ozwald, a red-haired male Caucasian feline, has been remanded in custody and will appear before Upper Dicker magistrates on Monday. I can confirm that two shots were discharged from a sawn-off 12 bore firearm believed to be the illegally held property of the cat. This is a classic case of a family pet of previously good character being groomed by ruthless cat gangs, and frankly, going off the rails. Unfortunately this sort of antisocial behaviour is on the increase and I lay the blame squarely on CTV, a a cat-based pop channel which has become more and more violent in recent years, with its increasing reliance on clip-clop and mouser rap. When we add the unspeakable evil of the highy addictive designer drug Whiskas, to the mix, it becomes clear that we have a serious social crisis on our hands.”

I have received a very nice unsolicited email from The Cockmarlin Bugle, an advertising magazine pretending to be a local paper. Its message was simple:- Are you ready for Christmas?
I replied thus; Thank you for your sincere enquiry. Yes, I am ready for Christmas. I have tied balloons to everything and hired a life-size mechanical plastic Santa which waves menacingly at children. I have climbed into the loft and retrieved my boxed CD set Terrfying Christmas Songs which I will play very loudly day and night, with the windows open, and also in my car. Through a tempting offer in the Bugle, I have booked Christmas dinner for 25 at Woket-Wokey, a Star Wars-themed pop-up restaurant run by bearded men. I have bought everyone expensive, unwanted gifts, and placed several small ads in the paper, (all of which end mysteriously without completing their descriptions), in order to offload last year’s Christmas tat.
I promise to remain in this perilous intellectual prison, wearing a rictus grin and a reindeer pullover which is slightly too small, until the perpetual motion machine that is Christmas enters its short hibernation period, (between January and February) when our thoughts turn to chocolate eggs, crucifixion, death and resurrection)


Dear Wendy,
My husband refuses to buy a dishwasher on the grounds that they cause shingles. Since I cannot persuade him otherwise, what are the best alternatives? And should I use rubber gloves?
Anna Pollock

Dear Anna,
As a receptacle for the thorough cleansing of dirty dishes, I always recommend the hollowed-out foot of an African elephant – but always remember to take out the umbrellas first. Marigolds are fine as far as rubber gloves go,  but for washing up in style, you can’t beat a good pair of waterproofed boxing gloves. (Fashion tip: Baseball mits may impress some people, but catching efficiency aside, they are way too flamboyant for the modern kitchen).

Dear Wendy,
I collect tea bags from all over the world and when the BBC broadcasts a documentary about tea, or if there is any tea-based news, they always call me. I have some swaps if anyone has similar interests.
Incidentally, just as the word inflammable is unlikely to burst into flames, the word onomatopoeia isn’t onomatopoeic.
Laurel N. Hardy (Mrs)
Institute of Pedantry

Sausage Life!


Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!





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