The column which believes that doing The Hokey-Cokey is just a cry for help
READER: Have you been watching The Tokyo Olympics? Team UK are doing brilliantly – I just heard Diana McCaroun of Team UK has won a bronze in the Tai Quando.
MYSELF: Team UK? Yuk. Why do they do this? I mean what’s wrong with calling it The British Team?
READER: When are you going to drag yourself into the 21st century?
MYSELF: As soon as they bring in the Under 4’s Syncronised Tricycling. Anyway, what’s Tai Quando?
READER: It’s a cross between Ju-Jitsu and The Samba
MYSELF: Fair play. Diana’s living her dream which I imagine is the culmination of her personal journey.
READER: You must have watched the marvellous opening ceremony though?
MYSELF: Thru the gaps in my fingers, yes. Who’s brilliant idea was it to precede an international celebration of athletic perfection with a selection of couch potato anthems?
READER: Final Fantasy! Dragon Quest! Absolute gamer classics! Did you know that video games have been chosen as an event for the 2024 Olympics?
MYSELF: Yes. Apparently they haven’t finalised the venue yet but Siberia has put in an irrisistably large bid. No doubt TeamUK will secure a bronze in the 200metres Call of Duty
READER: You may sneer, but have you ever actually played Call of Duty? It’s gruelling.
MYSELF: I failed the medical.
GOVERNMENT HEALTH SQUEEZE – ACCORDIONISTS UP IN ARMS
The decision by the Surgeon General to make the plain packaging of accordions compulsory is now expected to get a second reading in the commons, despite evidence from Australia that it has had little effect. I
In the Lords, Lady Celia Hohner (con) and Dame Annabelle Guiletti (lab) argued compellingly that there was little evidence to show that children were encouraged to take up the squeezebox by fancy filligri fretwork, or or delicate engravings of swallows. Indeed, neither would they be deterred by the health warnings and graphic pictures of accordion victims proposed by the bill.
Nevertheless, the proposition that – from December 2021, all accordions must be retailed in uniform plain white, with the message “playing the accordion can seriously damage the testicles” displayed graphically on the bellows, and must be kept by music shops in a securely locked accordion cabinet, with an armed guard present during opening hours – looks set to go ahead.
ASK DR. GUANO
Matters mindful, medical & matrimonial
I receive, as you would imagine, bulging sacks of mail soliciting expert advice of one sort or another. This week, one letter in particular managed to appeal to my innate sense of public service and I was happy to advise.
Dear Dr. Guano,
I was recently approached by a very attractive well-dressed man who claimed he was a relative of Ferdinand IV of Sweden. He said he could offer me security and a happy prosperous life in Scandinavia with my own herd of reindeer and an Ikea
Gold Card. Should I tell my husband, or just go?
Calamari Taliban (Ms), Beyondendon
Dear Ms Taliban,
Men as a rule, even elegant well-turned-out ones, are fiendishly jealous creatures. Your poor husband will undoubtedly misinterpret your present dilemma as some sort of threat to his fragile manhood and react accordingly. No. Be gentle with him. Tell him you are popping out for some chips, and don’t come back. It will be better this way.
Disclaimer: Following recent threats of serious litigation, I am advised to remind our readers that I am not a real doctor.
READER: That wasn’t a real letter
MYSELF: You’re not a real reader.
Being a huge Floyd fan (I personally own 53 mint copies of Dark Side of the Moon), I attended the 14th National Pink Floyd Tribute Band Convention at Beyondenden’s Arena of Dreams the other day. Say what you like about the tribute band phenomenon, but the attention to detail here was nothing short of impressive. By the evening, all the tribute Roger Waters were refusing to appear on the same stage as the tribute Dave Gilmours. The tribute Rogers would only associate with the other tribute Rogers, with whom they marched around in sinister packs singing Another Brick in the Wall. The tribute Dave Gilmours wore dark glasses, sulked and drank beer.
The whole thing rather reminded me of the Buddy Holly tribute band True Love Ways, who in 2008 tragically perished in a plane crash stunt that went wrong.
José Pypebahn, the feisty Spanish sausage millionaire and controversial new owner of Hastings & St Leonards’ Warriors FC, has been refused permission to change the name of the club to “Hastings Bangers” by the board of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South).
Pypebahn told our reporter he was ready to walk away from football after angry fans directed sausage-related abuse at him during last night’s pre-season Anne Summers Cup defeat, which saw the club ejected from the competition, beaten 8-0 by lowly Upper Dicker Macaroons.
“How dare they!” he shouted, “My delicious sausages are rightly famous the world over and furthermore they have never contained horse meat, except for that one time!”
Speaking of horse, I was up at Paddy Feeney’s stables the other day (to see a certain man about a certain thing), when I chanced to overhear this conversation between two mares standing in a meadow. The whole conversation was conducted in horse of course, which I speak fluently.
LADY MALARIA’S WHARF: I see Ophelia’s Friend was put in the stud paddock yesterday with Butcher’s Boy.
LOWLAND LASSIE: Butcher’s Boy? The drop-dead gorgeous Arab stallion? I mean, phoaoor*, lucky her! There’ll be a foal around here soon enough.
LADY MALARIA’S WHARF: Apparently not. I saw her this morning and she told me nothing happened.
LOWLAND LASSIE: Nothing happened? But Butcher’s Boy is a gorgeous hunk of horsehood, how on earth could she resist?
At this point I had to lean over the fence, as Lady Malaria closed in to whisper the damning words no stallion ever wants to hear into Lowland Lass’s pricked up lug:
LADY MALARIA’S WHARF: “Hung like a human, according to Ophelia”
I picked up my attaché case full of steroids and illegal stimulants and left.
*phoaoor is exactly the same in horse as it is in English