SAUSAGE LIFE 245

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which sucks eggs against the better advice of its grandmother

MYSELF: What’s all this?
READER: I’m wearing a monkey pox mask
MYSELF: I can’t hear you. Scaring a what?
READER: (removing mask): Is that better?
MYSELF: (making sign of the cross): Stand back! 2 metres please!
READER: Really, that’s hardly necessary in my case is it?
MYSELF: Even fictional characters can be infectious. Just remember to wash your hands and always tread lightly!
READER: Always tread lightly? What on earth’s that supposed to mean?
MYSELF: It’s the new government slogan. I’ve no idea what it means and neither do they, but you have to admit, it’s very snappy.
READER: (replacing mask): I’ll say it is! Always Tread Lightly! Brilliant!
MYSELF: Sorry, you’ve gone again.

RAMSAY’S COUNCIL NIGHTMARES
Gordon Ramsay, the TV chef, has agreed a deal with Channel 5 to front a new show in which he will go into UK borough and district councils to try to improve their efficiency and get them back on the right track. Ever since Chef-Swear, his chain of upmarket kitchen utensil stores reported a profit warning following the Covid 19 lockdown, Ramsay has been looking for a way back into TV. “This is going to lift the f•••ing lid on the appalling state of councils in the UK.” he told us, “You wouldn’t believe the terrible state of some of the council chambers I’ve been in. One, which I won’t name, had underfunded plans years past their sell-by date, covered in mould and stored next to plastic trays containing pre-cooked processed policies ready to be zapped in a f•••ing microwave and served up to unsuspecting customers as fresh.”
A spokesman for the unnamed council said “We welcome Gordon’s intervention. This could be just the breath of fresh air we have been looking for. If he can turn around a corrupt, run-down inefficient organisation like ours and at the same time get us massive TV coverage, it’s got to be worth being utterly humiliated and called f•••ing useless w•••kers or unqualified f•••wits who couldn’t organise a f•••ing sh•t in a f•••ing bucket, surely?”

POETRY NOW
This week’s poem is from Gertrude Walloone, and coincidentally features Gordon Ramsay in the first stanza. It’s from her 2005 collection Wind Over Gateshead.

GET YOUR FUCK IN FIRST
Gertrude Walloone
Oh spare me from the TV chef
who’s every word begins with F
His fridge is Wang
his oven’s Neff
(his poor mama pretends she’s deaf)
so mind your backs he’s comin’ thru
he’s got some dog shit on his shoe
I’m sure he’ll soon be blaming you
so get your fuck in first

The taxidermist Damien Hurst
is rather cross
you fear the worst
He’s pointing to a shark that’s died
and floating in formaldehyde
He’ll hold you down ‘til you’re immersed
Unless you want your bubble burst
it’s best to get your fuck in first

I’d really rather run a mile
than spend an hour with Jeremy Kyle
whose bottomless reserve of bile
devoid of substance wit or style
with lips too cruel to be unpursed
he’ll sneer and frown the more he’s cursed
so get your fucking fuck in first

TWO LOCKDOWNS OR A SUBMISSION
WWF wrestling to return to screens
Grapple fans will be delighted to learn that Nadene Doris, the interfering hatchet-faced Spaffer Johnson Groupie, who has been made Minister for Pretend Sports in order to keep her hyperactive gob shut, has announced the return of Professional Wrestling to our screens. “The sport has long been a favourite with the British public, which is why, as a self-resourcing public health information service, masks will be made compulsory during the bouts, to discourage the spread of immigrant-based monkey pox.” said Ms Doris, “which is why we have scheduled Kendo Nagasaki vs The Masked Avenger for our first TV encounter. Mr. Nagasaki and Mr. Avenger are both legendary face-concealing wrestling legends who will be able to show former barefaced wrestlers the face-covering “ropes” so to speak, (no pun intended hahaha! Or rather lol). The public will get entertainment value but more importantly, a valuable lesson in the efficacy of masking up.”
Asked whether Nagasaki (75) was still in good shape after several years of running a Suchi bar in Aya Napa, his Turkish manager Bob ‘Bobo’ Calamari said this: “Make no mistake about it, my boy is a one-man tag team. An intensive four-day yoga and diet regime combined with massive doses of anabolic steroids has ensured that Kendo will be tougher than vegetarian bacon. He’s like a bolt of forked lightning trapped in a cutlery drawer. Mentally, he’s a combination of Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud with a little bit of Russell Brand thrown in. His cape, mask and close-fitting golden satin trunks should be back from the dry cleaners Thursday, enabling Team Nagasaki to embark on a run of promotional appearances.”
We spoke to The Masked Avenger (69), real name Harry Smoot, at Money Launderama a small accountancy firm in Huddersfield which he runs with his wife Maureen, a former Miss Cleethorpes. “Kendo Nagasaki? He’s no Big Bad Wolf, he’s Little Red Riding Hood and I’m his grandma.” He fumed, “In his frilly mask, sequinned cape and golden trunks he looks more like Liberace, the cross-dressing piano thumper. In contrast, my studded leather mask is based on Edgar Allen Poe’s apocalyptic pandemic scenario Masque of the Red Death, and is so scary it will cure chronic constipation. As for fitness, thanks to myv Maureen’s nutritious steak & kidney pies and an intensive course of Nestlé’s Bulk Up The Volume Pec‘n Buttock Powders, I’m more or less back to my fighting weight of 200 kilos. When I get into the ring with Nagasaki I’m going to rip off his girly mask and reveal his true identity to the world before somersaulting off the ropes and pretending to crush him with my speciality piledriver move.”
Asked for a reaction, Mr. Nagasaki snorted: “Do I look bothered? Everyone knows I was wearing a mask years before him.” He then issued this firm pledge to all Kendo fans: If the so-called Masked Imposter tries to rip off my mask during the bout – which he is contractually obliged to do – I will unscrew his fat head and kick it around the ring like a football.”
“In a responsible, socially distanced way of course.” added his manager diplomatically.

Sausage Life!

Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris

SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.
Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!
CAUTIONMAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK INSINCERE