Bird Guano’s
The column which occasionally cheats at solitaire

READER: Anws! Ceilliau! Hunan-gam-drin! Y fagina! Gorau glas!
MYSELF: What’s wrong now?
READER: I’m upset about Wales’s exit from the World Cup.
MYSELF: I didn’t know you even liked football, but Wales? You’re as English as I am. Why are there three sheep on your shirt? How come you’re not lying in a gutter somewhere wrapped in a vomit-stained St. George’s flag singing the Qatari-themed World Cup anthem “Football’s Becoming Homo?”
READER: I adore soccer, and I’d rather you didn’t include me in your lazy stereotyping if you don’t mind. I’ll have you know I’m now self-identifying as a multi-faceted non-binary world citizen. Also my great grandmother is from Aberystwyth.
MYSELF: How do you know who to support then?
READER: You really are behind the times. It’s not the result that counts, it’s the sport. Play up and play the game I say and may the best man or woman or other category win.
MYSELF: So who do you think will end up with the blood-spattered fraudulent money-laundering FIFA trophy? Not Wales, obviously.
READER: Naturally Wales would have been my choice, but now they’re toast, so my money’s on the plucky little Falklands.
MYSELF: Baaaaa!

A sponsored message from HM
Having recently laid one set of fibre broadband cables and ground your town to a virtual standstill, it’s time to dig up the hole in the pavement that was just filled in and install another set so you can have the freedom to choose which internet provider you hate most. As you sit in a traffic jam waiting for the temporary lights to turn green so you can destroy your suspension on a pothole big enough to house a family of hippos, think about how fast your broadband is going to be when you eventually get home! Imagine receiving a reply before you’ve even sent the email! Imagine downloading Cats in three seconds!
And here’s the clincher: right after we’ve installed even more SuperDuperTM ultra fast fibre broadband and filled in the ditch and put up the fences that force you off the pavement into the path of of angry motorists, we’ll be back before you can say TikTok  to dig it up again. That’s because, we, as a conservative government which puts YOU in the driving seat, want you to have the maximum choice of internet providers, even if most of them are registered in The Cayman Islands and go out of business in the first six months after a bit of money laundering.

Have you ever been patronised by some wanky actor who hasn’t had a job since Casualty folded? Have you fallen for Harry Redknapp’s thick henpecked husband shtick and popped over to BetVictor and “dropped a few quid on them slots”? Have you been hoodwinked by a commercial radio ad just like this one which pretends it can get you money for some perceived wrongdoing that you’ve never actually heard of? Just send your bank details, your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet, a non-refundable deposit of £50 and your passport and birth certificate to:  Truthfell, Onest & St Sneer, Box 334, The Central Republic of Hartlepool

I was lucky enough to attend the private view of controversial artist Bandy Sponk’s latest installation at the Pink Triangle Gallery in Upper Dicker Last Thursday. The assembled guests, including influential collectors Derek and Irene FlimFlam gasped as they entered the foyer to be confronted by Sponk’s latest outrage, a 50ft tall block of cement with the words Say No To Nature emblazoned across it in purple crayon. “Bandy has totally surpassed himself with this stunning piece”, curator Polly Bollinger told us, “the inscription alone required 25 interns utilising 200 packs of Crayola crayons with all the colours except purple removed, on huge ladders kindly provided by the Upper Dicker Fire Brigade.” Inside, in the main auditorium, Sponk had installed 200 transistor radios which played the theme tune from The Archers, which crucially cut off before its denoument. The artist spoke to us as he signed copies of the Say No To Nature catalogue: “My work explores the relationship between the body and midlife subcultures. With influences as diverse as Derrida and Frida Kahlo, new synergies are manufactured from both opaque and transparent layers. Ever since I was a teenager I have been fascinated by the theoretical limits of the moment, which is why the Archers theme tune ends exactly where it does, ie Dumdy dumdy dumdy dum,dumdy dumdy dum-dum, dumdy dumdy dumdy dum,dumdy diddly……”
For a brief moment, the void created by the sudden silence left one somehow bereft, stripped of the counterfeit sham of identity, as though the batteries of a thousand giggling Japanese tourists’ cameras had suddenly gone flat. Surely an epitaph for the darkness of our world?

This week’s guest astrologer is Hermione Gallstone the society channel swimmer and daughter of orchestra conductor Remy Vaselini whose cousin Sylvia Gluck was the first female submarine captain and married billionaire playboy Raphael Portamanto heir to the Portamanto safety pin fortune. 

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Your moon trousers are flaring this December due to an unexpected equinox. A strange dream appears to foretell the second coming of Christ as Buttons in Cinderella at the Hampton Wick Empire in January. Don’t be fooled.  

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

As a Piscean, you see no reason to collect football programs. A chance meeting with a Wolverhampton Wanderers supporter changes your life. A lunar swoop on the 5th causes your toaster to fail. Do not be tempted to plunge it into the bathwater until you have left the tub.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

A warm towel convinces you to start jogging. A stern etter from the police forces a change of clothing on the 11th.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
A powerful eclipse prompts you to have your bicycle seviced. The 25th delivers the new Moon in Scorpio and a misdirected parcel from Amazon containing counterfeit eggs and gardening gloves.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
This week sees retrograde Jupiter return to its ancient ruling sign of Pisces for Christmas, where it has a furious argument with its mother about the correct way to steam sprouts. 

Cancer  (22 June 23 July)
As Gemini and Mercury rule the internet you may want to order some Haggis to stockpile before the Burns Night rush. While you’re at it Neeps and Tatties may also be in short supply. Your knitting sign of Lupus is trending on Twitter, so take full advantage by buying a hat.

Leo  (24 July-23 August)
Jupiter’s benign juxtaposition with Mars on the 8th and 9th causes your neighbours to write to the council about the freshly dug earth in your back garden and the smell. The flat Earth society comes to your rescue on the 13th with an offer of half-price membership.

Virgo (24 August-23 September)
Many Virgos think they can can play the bagpipes. If you are asked, politely refuse.

Libra (24 September-23 October)
Do you know the width of your car? Find out before it’s too late or face the consequences. A suspicious stain turns out to be tamarind.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 23)
Mars is all about boundaries. Even though cricket has never been your strong point, it may be worth declaring before lunch, leaving Jupiter with an impossible run target and settling for a draw.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December)
Mars makes a rare retrograde lunge towards Gemini this week, so try to avoid Portugese food and complicated board games. A handsome sailor brings news of a tiny earthquake in Sunderland.

Capricorn  (22 December-20 January)
With your yodelling sign of Pisces on a rambling holiday in Greece, now is the time to get rid of those jockey photos. They are in a shoe box the attic, behind the mechanical talking monkey.


Sausage Life!




Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris

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