SAUSAGE Life 296

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE ELECTION SPECIAL
The column which would like to remind you that every time you repeat fake news, a fake fairy pretends to die.

READER: I’m so depressed about the election results
MYSELF: Yes it was so unpredictable. I heard that Tory canvassers had to pretend to be Jehovah’s Witnesses so they had more chance of someone coming to the door.
READER: Like a JW’s knock, your sarcasm falls on deaf ears.
MYSELF: SO WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR?
READER: Although it is none of your business, as always, I voted for my ward candidate Ron Gravy of The British Gravytrain Party.
MYSELF: Ron beer drinking fag smoking I’m just a normal bloke who likes fondling women Gravy?? The man’s a cad and an absolute shower, a laughing stock!
READER: Be that as it may, but remember, a laughing stock is only the prelude to laughing gravy.

GRAVY ABANDONS BOAT
After the British Gravytrain Party’s poor results in the recent Upper Dicker by-election, Ron Gravy has declared that he is breaking away from the BGP and is currently in talks with Russell Brand, author of My Cocky-Wock and The Leather Trousered Philanthropist with a view to forming a new party before the next general election.
“The Don’t Vote Party (DVP) will have a robust but flexible manifesto and will put forward no candidates.” he told us from his campaign caravan, “We are confident of the public’s support. Calculated on the basis of the most number of votes not cast, our algorithmic analysis predicts we will win by a landslide.”
During a barnstorming speech outside the polling station at the Upper Dicker Atomic Astrodome, Gravy climbed on top of an abandoned car and, through a megaphone improvised from a pizza box, declared; ” I pledge on behalf of the DVP party that if elected, I will make it compulsory not to vote, and resign immediately!” a pledge which drew a standing ovation from the dozen or so remaining staff, although, to be fair, they were already standing.

WENDY WRITES
A pot-pourri of problems solved by our resident agony arbiter Wendy Reitz

I received this nostalgic yet hearwarming letter from Mrs H.Geurnica of Beyondenden:

Dear Wendy,
am I alone in thinking that the gentlemen’s barber is no longer the great institution it used to be? My late husband Frank lost all his hair at the age of 23, but thankfully his strict father managed to instill some old fashioned discipline in him, and he always went for a haircut every fortnight, whether he needed it or not. Afterwards he would return home with a highly polished, sweet smelling bald head, some new blades for his razor, and a pocketful of rubber johnnies, all this for only 7/6d (£235.47 in today’s money)!
I ask you, where can you get value like that these days? Hopefully, now that we have left the common market and are going to get our old money back, things will begin to return to normal.

I replied,
Well said Mrs. G!
Those certainly were the days! Luigi Casserolli, my dear father’s barber not only cut hair and shaved men’s chins – he also sold exotic tea towels printed with the Turin Shroud, conjurer’s rabbits, delicious pies, souvenir nail-scissors, counterfeit West End theatre tickets and hand guns.

GHOSTLY SPOKES
Top inventor professor Gordon Thinktank is trying to persuade local councils to introduce a local scheme similar to Boris’s Bikes in London, using his patent autonomous bicycles. Hastings Mayor Derek Windfarm was said to be so impressed with early demonstrations of the invention, dubbed the autonobike; that, according to some sources, he has privately registered the domain name DereksBikes.com.
Ever since their first appearance, riderless bicycles have attracted much controversy, (in one Commons debate, Liz Truss asked; “Supposing one of these things crashes, who will fall off?”)
However, professor Thinktank maintains that his radically improved version incorporates new, vastly superior safety features.
“The autonobike requires no human intervention whatsoever,” he told us, “which will be a huge boon to those cyclists who for one reason or another are no longer able to get out of the house. The other big advantage is the built-in anti-theft system. My standard production models will be fitted with front and rear lamps containing sophisticated facial recognition software which, when activated, securely clamps the wrists of the would-be thief to the handlebars and the autonobike pedals him to the nearest police station.”

FOOT BAWL
Players are furious at the bombastic methods of Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s new owner, flamboyant Texas theatre imresario Travers J Pumpper Jr after he installed a 3,000 watt public address system in the Warrior’s tiny dressing room through which he shouts at the players at half time. During the interval at the recent 8-0 home drubbing by Cockmarlin Thunderbolts in the Lillettes Cup, he allegedly burst in, grabbed the microphone and pointing at cowering Dutch striker Ruud Gouda, paraphrased the 16th century philosopher Samuel Ruskin-Sprinkler:

“SPECTACLE MAY BE THE LAST REFUGE OF A MORIBUND ART, BUT FOR PETE’S SAKE A LITTLE BIT WOULDN’T GO AMISS!”

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door’s garden.

Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

Click image to connect. Alice’s Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

https://vimeo.com/user129836501https://vimeo.com/user129836501

JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

https://vimeo.com/user129836501

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CAUTION
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