SAUSAGE Life 322

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which thinks that tangerine is the new orange

READER: Are you back from holiday yet?

MYSELF: No, the French air traffic controllers are on strike.

READER: Not again. What are they demanding this time?

MYSELF: They want white gloves, like magicians, more stylish trousers and a one-day-week. I’m glad in a way, because it means I finally get to visit a real French bullring.

READER: French Bullfighting? Non! Is there such a thing?

MYSELF: Mais oui. It’s exactly the same as the Spanish version, except they use a cow instead of a bull and when the tormented creature eventually gets angry enough to have a go, le matador, with a neat side-step, a flourish of his tricolour cape and a triumphant cry of au lait! whacks it over the head with a baguette and milks it.

READER: French. It’s like a whole different language.

MYSELF: Exactement. And of course to the unsuspecting British holidaymaker, the phrase I’m so hungry I could eat a horse may result in an entirely unexpected outcome.

WARRIORS RELEGATION WOES – BALACLAVA’S VERDICT
Nobby Balaclava, Hastings & St Leonards FC’s midfield enforcer has spoken about his part in the tragic 8-0 playoff defeat to Herstmonceaux Cannibals which resulted in the club’s relegation to the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South).
“Yes, I’m gutted. I’m not making excuses but the sun was in my eyes and I had a problem with my boots which were the wrong size and kept chafing,” he told us from the Turkish Delight Men’s Hairdresser & Nail Bar which he co-owns with local rapper MC Squaird, “and the referee kept giving me a funny look every time I got the ball, which put me off. The new manager is very strict and wouldn’t let me wear my lucky astrological mood ring, so I didn’t even know what mood I was in. Our Bosnian centre forward Glaxo Zog’s 93rd minute goal was good even though the referee said it wasn’t, which meant we would have won easily if we’d scored another eight. Our trainer made us go for a run in the morning and it was raining, which aggravated Craig Cattermole’s asthma. Someone from the Herstmonceaux catering staff put laxatives in our pre-match tea and we all had to clench our buttocks, which prevented us from running very fast. The match ball was too round and kept rolling towards our goal. Also The Cannibals cynical game plan was to deliberately kick it to each other and not give it to us. The worst thing was they all wore maroon shirts which is normally our colour, so some of the lads kept accidentally passing the ball to them by mistake. To cap it all, Tim Smegma our goalkeeper has a phobia about scorpions and their German centre forward had one in a matchbox which he kept opening in front of him when the referee wasn’t looking.”

New feature
FAMOUS PEOPLE OF UPPER DICKER
Celebrating the personalities that put the Sussex town on the map

WINSTON CHURCHILL the great statesman and wartime prime minister smoked big cigars from Cuba, very probably imported into England through the port of Dover, which is just along the coast from Hastings and very near Upper Dicker.

BOBBY DAVRO, the blue-rinse piano icon, once got an amusing postcard
featuring the Upper Dicker Museum of Hosiery from his aunty Margaret, who enjoyed regular holidays in the Sussex town, despite a lifelong allergy to peanuts.

RAMSEY MACDONALD, the former Labour Party leader, was not in any
way related to Ronald McDonald the lardy-faced buffoon who represents the unacceptable face of McDonald’s, the multinational junk food chain which now has a drive-thru branch in Upper Dicker. McDonald’s stocks a narrow range of food-style refreshment and employs cheap Chinese toys and tooth-destroying sugary beverages to lure unsuspecting children, as well as juvenile gambling opportunities to distract their gullible parents.

BOBBY CHARLTON the heroic World Cup-winning footballer was offered the
chance of a trial with Upper Dicker Macaroons FC whilst still a schoolboy. He turned it down in favour of Manchester United.

RUPERT MURDOCH famous press baron and social commentator, was born
in Australia, and has never actually visited Upper Dicker in his life. His Grandfather Popiladou Aristosthines, a professional wrestler from Cyprus, performed as The Upper Dicker Strangler, a name he spotted in a Victorian newspaper lining a trunk, which he later adopted by deed poll.

HANS AND LOTTE HASSE the ground breaking underwater explorers were
washed up on a beach 20 miles from Upper Dicker in 1954, after the sophisticated navigation equipment on their miniature submarine became clogged up with condoms off the coast of Venezuela.

EDWARD VII the English Monarch whose last words were allegedly Bugger
Bognor, a phrase which refers to a small coastal town not dissimilar to Upper Dicker except for its marine proximity and preponderance of fish.

ELVIS PRESLEY the world famous elastic-hipped rock ‘n roll pioneer was recently spotted at the Upper Dicker branch of Poundstretchers buying a 6 pack of highlighter pens and a snap-on mobile phone cover, over 40 years after his alleged “death” on his gold plated toilet.

ERROL FLYNN (the athlete not the famous Hollywood film star), was born and bred in Upper Dicker. A legendary sprinter with the Upper Dicker Harriers, Flynn’s 100-metre record for tall men between 1947 and 1953 seemed unassailable until he slipped on a sausage skin during an Olympic qualifier and was forced to become a painter & decorator. He overcame a chronic drug and alcohol addiction to lead the town council from 1956 until 1958, when he famously sold the Upper Dicker Suspension Bridge to a Texas gambler and was forced to resign. A broken man, Flynn emigrated to Australia and tragically, in 1961, he committed suicide by making faces at a Great White Shark in Boffin Bay.

Sausage Life!

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Photo credit: Alice’s Dad (circa 2000)

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JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who’s father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover’s ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

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